張志梅

（廣東省廣州市海珠區(qū)教育發(fā)展研究院）

2023 年6 月廣州市高二英語八區(qū)聯(lián)考屬于水平二測試，考試范圍為選擇性必修一（第2、3、4、5 單元）、選擇性必修二（第1、2、3、4 單元）。按照《課標》水平二對寫作的要求：能概述所讀語篇的主要內(nèi)容或續(xù)寫語篇，在試題中包含了讀后續(xù)寫的考查。筆者對本次質(zhì)量監(jiān)測學生的讀后續(xù)寫答題情況進行分析，探討運用“TEAMS”框架有針對性地講評指導策略。

一、試題分析與師生作文

閱讀下面材料，根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開頭語續(xù)寫兩段，使之構(gòu)成一篇完整的短文。

Many years ago, a little boy named Antonio lived in Italy with his grandfather, who was a stone cutter.He liked to go with his grandfather to the stone yard.While his grandfather was busy cutting the stone blocks, Antonio would play among the chips.Sometimes he would make a small statue out of soft clay; sometimes, he would try to cut a statue from a piece of rock.Antonio showed so much skill that his grandfather was delighted.“The boy will be a sculptor someday.”

There lived in the same town a rich man called Count.Sometimes Count would have a grand dinner,and his rich friends from other towns would come to visit him.Then Antonio’s grandfather would go up to Count’s house to help with the work in the kitchen,for he was a fine cook as well as a good stone cutter.

One day, Antonio went with his grandfather to Count’s great house.Some people from the city were coming, and there was to be a grand feast.The boy could not cook and was not old enough to wait on the table.But he could wash the pans and kettles, and as he was smart and quick, he could help in many other ways.

All went well until it was time to spread the table for dinner.Suddenly, there was a crash in the dining room, and a man rushed into the kitchen with some pieces of marble (大理石) in his hands.He was pale and shaking with fright.

“What shall I do? What shall I do?” he cried.“I have broken the statue that was to stand at the centre of the table.I cannot make the table look pretty without the statue.What will Count say?” And now all the other servants were in trouble.Count would be very angry.

Paragraph 1：

Then little Antonio went up to the man who had caused the trouble.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph 2：

When the guests came in for dinner, the first thing they saw was the yellow lion cut out of butter.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

原文屬于《課標》“人與自我”及“人與社會”的主題語境。故事以人物為線索展開，小男孩Antonio 是雕刻匠人的孫子，有雕刻的天賦且從小耳濡目染，練就了很好的雕刻技能。一次爺孫兩人在富人Count 家做臨時幫工時，仆人不小心打碎一個很重要的裝飾餐桌的雕塑品，眼看宴席即將開始，仆人非常驚慌無助。此時，Antonio 挺身而出，用黃油雕刻了一頭獅子，將其替換打碎的雕塑品，幫助仆人渡過難關(guān)。

一段濃縮機實質(zhì)上起到水力分級作用，應該盡可能多地將大于0.045 mm粒級沉淀下來，并保證底流中小于0.045 mm粒級產(chǎn)率小于40%，為沉降過濾式離心脫水機創(chuàng)造必要的工藝條件。該設備的入料、底流、溢流的粒度組成見表2，以此計算出各粒級在底流中的分配率，并繪制出分配曲線(見圖2)，該廠的一段濃縮機工藝指標見表3。

老師范文：

Then little Antonio went up to the man who had caused the trouble.“If you had another statue, could you arrange the table?” he asked.“Certainly,”said the man.On the kitchen table, there lay a large square lump of butter.With a kitchen knife in his hand, Antonio began to cut and carve this butter.With each stroke under his skilled hands, he gently sliced into the butter, creating precise lines and shapes.Finally, a crouching lion stood proudly before him.All the servants crowded around to see it.“How beautiful!”they cried.

When the guests came in for dinner, the first thing they saw was the yellow lion cut out of butter.“What a stunning statue!”they exclaimed.Curious,Count asked the head servant where he had found such an amazing statue.“It was carved by a little boy just an hour ago,”the servant said with trepidation.Instead of getting angry, Count said happily, “The new statue is better than the old one.Now let me meet the great sculptor!”His grandfather smiled，“The boy will be an excellent sculptor someday.”

學生習作：

Then little Antonio went up to the man who had caused the trouble.“I have an idea.”Antonio said to the man.“You? But you are just a little boy.” The man didn’t trust little Antonio.Antonio just found a block of butter and started to cut it without saying a word.His grandfather just smiled and looked at his grandson.He knew Antonio could make it.After a while, the butter turned into a yellow lion.The other servants couldn’t believe it was made by a little boy.The man who caused the trouble laughed and shook hands with little Antonio with gratitude.Then, they put the yellow lion at the centre of the table.

When the guests came in for dinner, the first thing they saw was the yellow lion cut out of butter.They were all surprised by the special statue.When Count came in, he also noticed the lion.He picked up and asked,“Who cut this amazing statue with butter?” All the servants looked at little Antonio, “It’s me, I cut the statue.” Count was surprised by this little boy.He also said to Antonio’s grandfather, “You have a grandson as good as you.” His grandfather laughed happily and Antonio laughed, too.

二、問題診斷與改進策略

本次讀后續(xù)寫的評分標準與全國卷評分標準保持一致。包括：與所給短文及段落開頭語的銜接程度；內(nèi)容的豐富性及與所給內(nèi)容的邏輯銜接程度;語法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯的豐富性和準確性;上下文行文的連貫性。閱卷數(shù)據(jù)顯示：全區(qū)考生3 144 人，全體均分14.4，得分率為57.6%，最高分為24 分，有44人0分，零分率占1.4%, 標準差4.2，難度0.58。從平均分和難度系數(shù)看，全卷難度 0.65，讀后續(xù)寫難度0.58，是所有能力板塊中通過率最低的，說明讀后續(xù)寫是學生最需要提高的題型。存在的主要問題如下：

1.語篇(銜接不緊湊、邏輯不連貫)

（1）續(xù)寫未能與給出的首句連接，如：第一段首句講Antonio went up to the man who had caused the trouble, 但部分考生緊接著的續(xù)寫卻是Antonio 與Count 進行對話互動；

（2）對第二段首句關(guān)鍵詞butter 單詞意思不理解，導致第一段情節(jié)與第二段不一致，具體表現(xiàn)為在第一段中，出現(xiàn)Antonio 使用marble 進行雕刻而不是使用butter，又或mix the marble with butter 等。

2.內(nèi)容(情節(jié)單薄、不符合主題)

（1）部分考生缺乏生活常識，邏輯不嚴謹，沒注意當時時間緊，Antonio 年紀小，力氣弱，而石頭堅硬，不可能在短時間內(nèi)使用石頭將雕刻完成，更不可能用石頭雕出多個作品，如：Antonio came with some small statues made up of the marble.

（2）缺乏文化背景知識，角色言行失當，如寫到Antonio 坐在宴席上回答Count 的問題。

3.語言(詞匯和語法使用的準確性低、豐富性不足)

（1）拼寫錯誤，如：comforted 寫成comfored,create 寫成creat, breaking 寫成broking, delightedly寫成delightly, afraid 寫成afriad, perfect 寫成prefect,nodded 寫成nudded/noded, praising 寫成prising,voice 寫成voise, solve 寫成slove, calm 寫成clam,solved 寫成soluted 等；

（2）不規(guī)則動詞錯誤，如： hided (hide),hitted (hit), standed (stand), cutted (cut), though/through/throught (think), shaked (shake), broked(break), heared (hear), replyed (reply),以及將broken和known 當成過去式等。

（3）各種語法錯誤，如：主謂一致錯誤、時態(tài)錯誤、雙謂語、中式思維等。 如：

They didn’t know what Antonio are doing.（主謂一致與時態(tài)錯誤）

The man didn’t think a little boy who the grandson of a stone cutter could help him.(中式思維)

針對以上問題，采用以下改進策略：針對語法詞匯的準確性問題，要求老師指出錯誤所在，學生先自改后與同伴互改，做到拼寫和語法正確；寫作時間安排也是影響本次考生寫作產(chǎn)出的一個重要因素，很多學生都反映時間不夠，所以，在寫作時間分配上也要對學生加強指導；針對語篇銜接和內(nèi)容豐富性問題，建議嘗試運用“TEAMS”框架進行講評。

三、“TEAMS”框架在讀后續(xù)寫講評課中的運用

下文以聯(lián)考讀后續(xù)寫試題為例，運用“TEAMS”框架，讓學生修改出與原文銜接合理、語意連貫、邏輯相符又有文采的續(xù)文。

T 是指Theme 主題或Transitional sentence 銜接句；

E 是指Emotion /Environment 心理描寫/環(huán)境描寫；

A 是指Action 動作(鏈)和Appearance 外貌神態(tài)描寫；

M 是指Monologue/Dialogue 獨白/對話；

S 是指Style 語言風格。

其中，Action 是助推情節(jié)所必要的，Emotion、Environment、Appearance、Monologue、 Dialogue、Style 的寫作順序和次數(shù)可根據(jù)故事情節(jié)需要適當調(diào)整。

Step 1 讀懂原文“TEAMS”

續(xù)表

Step 2 學習范文“TEAMS”

Step 3 評價“TEAMS”， 提升習作

續(xù)表

四、結(jié)語

《課標》提出要突出學生在評價中的主體地位，關(guān)注學生的全面發(fā)展和進步。作為評價過程的主要參與者，學生應在教師的指導下，學習使用適當?shù)脑u價方法和可行的評價工具，積極參與評價，發(fā)現(xiàn)和分析學習中的具體問題。應提倡學生開展自評和互評，加強學生之間、師生之間評價信息的互動交流，促進自我監(jiān)督式的學習，并在相互評價中不斷反思，取長補短，總結(jié)經(jīng)驗，調(diào)控學習，把教學評價變成主體參與、自我反思、相互激勵、共同發(fā)展的過程和手段（教育部，2020）。評價反饋是讀后續(xù)寫的關(guān)鍵環(huán)節(jié), 運用“TEAMS”框架，可以指導學生在讀懂語篇的基礎上，緊扣主題意義合理續(xù)寫，通過自評和互評提升寫作效果，這一過程有助于學生融合語言知識和文化知識，提高創(chuàng)造性地表達思想和情感的高階思維能力，實現(xiàn)深度學習和核心素養(yǎng)發(fā)展的目的。