Jerome K.Jerome

《三怪客泛舟記》是英國(guó)作家杰羅姆·K ·杰羅姆創(chuàng)作的一部小說(shuō)，曾被《紳士》雜志評(píng)為“史上最幽默的五十部文學(xué)作品”之一。小說(shuō)主要圍繞三個(gè)怪客和一只狗的一次泛舟之旅展開(kāi)，充滿了夸張和非現(xiàn)實(shí)的情節(jié)：他們掉進(jìn)水里，把東西弄丟，吵架，又笑著和好，互相講故事；他們個(gè)個(gè)有遠(yuǎn)大的抱負(fù)，熱情也很高，可就是到了早上誰(shuí)也起不來(lái)；他們都想當(dāng)偉大的探險(xiǎn)家，可事實(shí)上，只要一下雨，他們還是愿意呆在暖和的火爐邊，坐在舒適的椅子里。整個(gè)故事既有趣又充滿著生活的真善美。

Chapter12 Montmorency and the cat

On Monday morning ，we got up quite early and we went to swim before breakfast. On the way back ，Mont- morency behaved very stupidly.

The only thing that Montmorency and I disagree about is cats.I like cats. Montmorency does not.

When I meet a cat，I say hello to it. Then I bend down and I stroke it gently，behind the ears and along the side of its head.The cat likes this.It puts its tail up and it pushes it ? self against my legs.And there is love and peace.When Mont ? morency meets a cat，everybody knows about it，and a lot of bad words are used.

I do not really blame Montmorency（usually I just hit him，or throw stones at him），because dogs are like that. They hate cats. But that morning，Montmorency wished that he had not argued with a cat.

As we were coming back from the river，a cat ran out from one of the houses，and it began to walk across the road. Montmorency saw the cat，gave a shout of real happiness， and ran after it.

It was a big，black cat.I have never seen a bigger cat. It had lost half its tail and one of its ears，but it looked calm and happy.

Montmorency ran at that cat as fast as he could，but the cat did not hurry. It did not seem to understand that its life was in danger. It walked on quietly until the enemy was near it.Then it turned and sat down in the middle of the road. It looked at Montmorency in a quiet way ，and it seemed to say，

“Yes？ You want me？”

Montmorency is quite a brave dog，but there was some? thing in the way the cat looked at him. It frightened him.He stopped suddenly，and he looked at the cat. They did not speak，of course，but it was easy to imagine their conversa? tion.

THE CAT：Can I do anything for you？

MONTMORENCY：No...no，thanks.

THE CAT：Do please tell me if there is something you want，won t you？

MONTMORENCY（ who moves backwards down the road）：Oh，no. Not at all...certainly...I... I m afraid I ve made a mistake.I thought I knew you...I m sorry.

THE CAT：Not at all.Are you quite sure you don t want anything now？

MONTMORENCY（who continues to move back）：Not at all...thanks...not at all...very kind of you...Good morning.

THE CAT：Good morning.

Then the cat stood up and continued along the road. Montmorency，with his tail between his legs，walked be? hindus. He hoped that nobody would notice him.

Now，if you say“Cats！”to Montmorency，he looks up at you，and his eyes beg you，“No，please！”

After this we did our shopping，went back to the boat， and moved off along the river again.However，at Hamble? don lock，we found that we had no water.So we went to ask?the lock-keeper for some. George spoke for us. He said，“Oh，please，could you give usa little water？”

“Of course，”the old man replied.“Just take what you want and leave the rest.”

“Thank you very much，”George said，and he looked round.“But where is it？”

“It s where it always is，my boy，”the lock－keeper answered.“It s behind you.”

George looked round again.“I can tsee it，”he said.

“Why？ Where are your eyes？”the man said，and he turned George towards the river.

“Oh！”George cried.“But we can t drink the river， you know.”

“No，but you can drink some of it，”the old man re? plied.“That swhat I ve drunk for fifteen years.”

We got some water from another house.

After we had got our water ， we went on towards Wargrave，but before we got there，we stopped for lunch.

We were sitting in a field near the river，and we were just going to start eating. Harris was preparing the food， and George and I were waiting with our plates.

“Have you got a spoon？”Harris asked.“I need a spoon.”

The basket was behind us ，and George and I both turned to get a spoon. It took about five seconds.When we looked back again，Harris and the food had gone.It was an open field，and there were no trees.There was nowhere to hide. He had not fallen in the river，because we were be? tween him and the water.

George and I looked round.Then we looked at each other.Harris had gone—disappeared！ Sadly，we looked?again at the place where Harris and the food had been.And then，to our horror，we saw Harriss head — and only his head — in the grass.The face was very red and very angry.

George was the first to speak.

“Say something！”he cried.“Are you alive or dead？ Where is the rest of you？”

“Oh，dont be so stupid！”Harriss head said.“Its your fault.You made me sit there.You did it to annoy me！ Here，take the food！”

And from the middle of the grass the food appeared， and then Harris came out，dirty and wet.

Harris had not known that he had been sitting on the edge of a hole.The grass had hidden it.Then，suddenly，he had fallen backwards into it.He said he had not known what was happening to him.He thought，at first，that it was the end of the world.

Harris still believes that George and I planned it.

12.“元帥”和貓

星期一早晨，我們起得很早，早飯前在河里游了一下泳。就在回來(lái)的路上，“元帥”干了一件天大的蠢事。

我和“元帥”只在一個(gè)問(wèn)題上存在分歧，那就是對(duì)貓的看法：我喜歡貓，而“元帥”卻不。

我每次遇到貓，總會(huì)親切地招呼它，俯下身輕輕撫摸它，摸摸它的耳后和腦袋旁邊。貓呢，喜歡的就是這一套，它會(huì)豎起尾巴，把身體在我的腿上蹭蹭，充滿了溫柔和恬靜的感覺(jué)?？墒侨绻霸獛洝庇鲆?jiàn)貓，那準(zhǔn)會(huì)攪得四鄰不安，直招別人的罵。

我倒并不責(zé)怪“元帥”（通常不過(guò)敲它一下，或者用石子扔它），因?yàn)楣返谋拘跃褪沁@樣，它們就是恨貓。但那天早上，它卻寧可自己沒(méi)有去招惹那只貓。

我們從河邊回來(lái)時(shí)，一只貓從某間屋子里躥出來(lái)，橫著過(guò)馬路。“元帥”一看見(jiàn)貓，無(wú)比幸福地發(fā)出一聲歡呼，就追了下去。

那是一只又大又黑的貓。我從來(lái)沒(méi)有見(jiàn)過(guò)這么大的貓，雖然掉了半只尾巴和一只耳朵，看上去還是一副泰然自若，滿不在乎的樣子。

“元帥”使足了勁去追那只貓，可貓卻不慌不忙，若無(wú)其事的，似乎沒(méi)有意識(shí)到生命已受到威脅。它仍然不動(dòng)聲色地走著，直到敵人走近了才轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)身，坐在馬路中間，冷靜、地看著“元帥”，好像在說(shuō)：

“怎么，你找我嗎？”

“元帥”向來(lái)是條勇猛頑強(qiáng)的狗，可那只黑貓凜然看他的眼神卻使這條英勇非凡的狗嚇得矮了半截。它突然站住，瞪著眼看著黑貓。當(dāng)然雙方一言不發(fā)，但很容易想象它們倆的談話內(nèi)容。

黑貓：“我能為您效勞嗎？”

“元帥”：“沒(méi)……沒(méi)什么事，謝謝?！?/p>

黑貓：“您有什么要求，就請(qǐng)?zhí)孤实卣f(shuō)，好嗎？”

“元帥”（身子沿著馬路退后幾步）：“不，一點(diǎn)也沒(méi)有。我……恐怕……是個(gè)誤會(huì)。我還以為認(rèn)識(shí)您的……對(duì)不起?！?/p>

黑貓：“沒(méi)關(guān)系。您當(dāng)真沒(méi)什么要求嗎？”

“元帥”（還往后退著）：“沒(méi)……沒(méi)有。什么也沒(méi)有……謝謝……沒(méi)有……您真太好了，再見(jiàn)?！?/p>

黑貓：“再見(jiàn)?！?/p>

于是黑貓站起來(lái)，繼續(xù)沿著馬路往前走。“元帥”尾巴夾在兩腿之間，躲在我們身后，盼著別人都沒(méi)有注意到它。

直到今天，只要你對(duì)“元帥”一提“貓！”它就會(huì)仰頭望著你，可憐巴巴的樣子好像在說(shuō)：“請(qǐng)別……”

這番歷險(xiǎn)之后，我們?nèi)ベI東西，買完?yáng)|西又上了船，起航。不久到了漢布爾登水閘才發(fā)現(xiàn)水喝光了。我們到水閘看守人那里要些水，喬治是我們的發(fā)言人。他說(shuō)：“請(qǐng)您幫個(gè)忙，給我們一點(diǎn)水，好嗎？”

“當(dāng)然可以，”老漢答道，“要多少拿多少，剩下的還放在那兒就行了?！?/p>

“太謝謝您啦，”喬治向兩邊看了看，“可您的水在哪兒？”

“總在那個(gè)老地方嘛，我的孩子，”看閘人說(shuō)，“就在你背后?！?/p>

喬治又看看四周：“我還是看不見(jiàn)?。　彼f(shuō)。

“怎么，你的眼睛長(zhǎng)哪兒去了？”老漢說(shuō)著把喬治的身子轉(zhuǎn)向河面。

“哦！”喬治喊了一聲，“可您知道，我們總不能把河水都喝了呀！”

“是啊，可是你可以喝一點(diǎn)啊！”老人回答，“我喝這水喝了十五年了?！?/p>

最后，還是從另外一家討來(lái)點(diǎn)水。

水有了，我們又駛向沃格雷夫。還沒(méi)有到那里，我們就停船吃午餐。

坐在水邊的草地上，大家準(zhǔn)備吃午餐。哈里斯正在做飯，喬治和我拿著盤(pán)子等著。

“你們誰(shuí)有一把勺子？”哈里斯問(wèn)，“我要個(gè)勺子?！?/p>

籃子就放在我們身后，喬治和我轉(zhuǎn)身去拿勺子?？偣膊坏轿迕腌?，我們回身一看，哈里斯和吃的東西都不見(jiàn)了。那是一片空蕩蕩的草地，周圍沒(méi)有一棵樹(shù)，沒(méi)有地方可以躲藏。他也不可能掉進(jìn)河里，因?yàn)槲覀冏谒秃铀g。

喬治和我四周看了看，又相對(duì)瞠目而視。哈里斯不見(jiàn)了！——失蹤了！我們傷心地轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)頭看

看剛才哈里斯和午飯還在的地方。不看還罷，這一看嚇得我們魂飛天外！——我們看見(jiàn)哈里斯的頭——只有一個(gè)腦袋在草地上，臉脹得通紅，十分生氣的樣子。

喬治首先恢復(fù)神態(tài)，說(shuō)了話：

“快說(shuō)！”他喊道，“你到底活著，還是死了，你的身體哪兒去了？”

“呸！別裝傻了，”哈里斯的腦袋開(kāi)口說(shuō)，“還不是你們搞的鬼，逼我坐在這里，不讓我有好日子過(guò)！快，拿著飯！”

草地中間出來(lái)了午飯，隨后哈里斯也爬了出來(lái)，渾身上下又臟又濕。

哈里斯沒(méi)有意識(shí)到剛才坐在一個(gè)洞口上。草掩蓋了洞口，他突然就向后掉了下去。他說(shuō)起初也想不明白到底怎么回事，只道是世界末日來(lái)臨了！

哈里斯至今仍然以為是喬治和我搞的陰謀。