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我的文學(xué)人物生涯

2013-04-29 00:44:03bySimonKuper譯/葛千華
新東方英語 2013年6期
關(guān)鍵詞:西蒙豆豆小孩

by Simon Kuper 譯/葛千華

我是個(gè)低調(diào)的人,既不追名也不逐利。雖然我寫過幾本書,接受過電視臺的采訪,擁有一群數(shù)目不太驚人的微博“粉絲”,甚至還曾成為文學(xué)作品中的人物,但我始終保持淡定的心態(tài)。不過,當(dāng)我成為妻子書中的主人公,而且這本書還因我的精彩“戲份”而一路暢銷時(shí),我平靜的內(nèi)心開始起了波瀾……

After the publishers read the manuscript of my wifes book, they had one request: “Expand the husband character. Hes hilarious2).” My wife was surprised but she complied, and as a result her French Children Dont Throw Food3) became a bestseller in the UK and is now bopping an unsuspecting American public over the head as Bringing Up Bébé. Many reviewers have described it as a guide to French parenting. In fact, its something more interesting than that: its a portrait of me.

I had been immortalised in literature before—Paddy Agnew4) sets up his book on Italian football with a pompous5) remark by me, which he then rebuts6) at great length7)—but only now have I joined the select group of people who are better known as literary characters. I will forever be bracketed8) with the minor 19th-century critic Leigh Hunt, who is remembered only as the model for the ridiculous Skimpole in Dickenss Bleak House9).

This is a more common fate than you might think. I was once contacted by an economist who introduced himself as the model for a character in a Zadie Smith10) novel. Based on the couple of novelists I know, I have developed a theory of the novel that says that writers just write down what happened to them, and sometimes change somebodys name. But now that I have been turned into a major literary character myself, I dont want to be one. My wifes portrayal of me may be factually correct, but facts cannot capture such a subtle and complex figure. The “Simon” in the book lacks the appeal of the actual me.

“As far as I can tell,” she writes, “Simon has never visited a museum … Since the boys were born, Simons incompetence is less charming. I no longer find it adorably mystifying11) when he breaks the second hands on all his watches … He cant drive a car, blow up a balloon or fold clothes without using his teeth … Hed be hard-pressed12) to know which end of a sleeping bag to crawl into. In the wild hed survive about fifteen minutes [etcetera].”

I can see that all this is mildly amusing, and true at a crudely factual level, but I am sure my friends do not think of me in these terms. Indeed, they speak of me in tones of admiration.

And when she writes, “He almost never actually laughs, even when Im attempting a joke,” I must object. In fact, while reading my bons mots13) in her book I laughed out loud several times. I pointed out to her afterwards that on the evidence of her own work she was married to a very funny man. She replied that if a writer spends 10 years collecting one persons jokes, shes likely to end up with eight decent ones.

In truth, close reading of French Children Dont Throw Food does reveal my gift for laughing with others. Heres my wifes account of a discussion between me and our daughter Bean (not her real name, or not precisely):

“When you were born, I thought you were a monkey,” he tells Bean playfully one morning.

“Well, when you were born, I thought you were a caca,” she replies. Simon laughs so hard at this; hes practically in tears. It seems Ive just never hit on his preferred category of humour: scatological14) surrealism.

Or as experts call it: “English surrealism.” Its true: from the start I have raised my daughter to be the rightful heir of the late British comedian Peter Cook15).

There is one thing I will say for my wifes book. On Monday it will be exactly 10 years since I came to France, and I still havent begun to understand this baffling country. Reading French Children Dont Throw Food, I discovered to my dismay that my wife does. When I used to take French language classes here, the teachers always assured the class that the best way to integrate in France was to join the “école horizontale,” i.e. to shack up with16) a French person, preferably a language teacher. In Britain, the preferred method of integration is to set immigrants tests with questions such as, “What is the national day of Wales?” It now turns out that there is a better way: write a book about the adopted country. Here is the solution to the integration issue.

Other readers seem to find my wifes book useful, and the main character hilarious. The book now ranks higher on Amazon than any of mine ever have, even though I check my rankings hourly. No doubt all this is creditable to my wife, although on the other hand I now have 2,673 followers on Twitter, and was once interviewed on the main channel of Finnish TV. In any case, the greatest books are often the least popular in the writers own lifetime.

I have no need of the spotlight. I have given instructions in my will that my emails should be burned, and no biography attempted.

出版社讀完我妻子的書的原稿后,提了一個(gè)要求:“讓‘丈夫這個(gè)角色更豐滿些,他太有意思了?!蔽移拮宇H感意外,但還是照辦了,于是她的新書《法國小孩不亂丟食物》在英國一路暢銷,現(xiàn)在又改頭換面為《撫養(yǎng)法國寶寶》,給了毫不知情的美國公眾當(dāng)頭一棒。不少書評人把這本書說成是法式育兒指南,實(shí)際上這本書可比育兒指南有趣多了:它描寫的就是我。

在這以前,我就已經(jīng)在文學(xué)作品中英名永存了:帕迪·阿格紐以我的一番自大言辭開場,而后用洋洋灑灑的篇幅對之加以駁斥,寫就了一本關(guān)于意大利足球的書??芍钡饺缃?,我妻子這本書出版,我才算躋身精英群體——此群體更為人熟知的名字叫文學(xué)人物。從今以后,我將永遠(yuǎn)被歸為利·亨特的同類,他是19世紀(jì)一位名不見經(jīng)傳的批評家,人們記得他僅僅因?yàn)樗堑腋顾痘臎錾角f》中那個(gè)滑稽的斯金波先生的原型。

這樣的命運(yùn)比你想象中常見。有位經(jīng)濟(jì)學(xué)家在聯(lián)絡(luò)我時(shí)就曾自我介紹說,他是扎迪·史密斯的一部小說中某個(gè)人物的原型。根據(jù)我認(rèn)識的兩三個(gè)小說家的情況,我總結(jié)出寫小說的一個(gè)原理,那就是作家寫的只是發(fā)生在自己身上的事情,有時(shí)會改掉某人的名字。但既然現(xiàn)在我自己也搖身一變成為一位重要的文學(xué)人物,我就不愿淪為其中的一員了。我妻子對我的描述在事實(shí)層面上可能站得住腳,但光憑事實(shí)難以把握我如此微妙和復(fù)雜的人格,書中的“西蒙”也缺乏現(xiàn)實(shí)中的我所具有的魅力。

她寫道:“就我所知,西蒙從未光顧過博物館……自從男孩子們出生,西蒙生活能力低下這一點(diǎn)就不再那么有魅力了。在他弄壞他所有手表的秒針時(shí),我也不再覺得這種行為讓人困惑同時(shí)又非常可愛了……他開不了車,吹不了氣球,不用牙咬住就疊不了衣服……他得費(fèi)好大力氣才能弄明白睡袋要從哪一頭鉆進(jìn)去。他在野外也就能存活大約十五分鐘[等等]?!?/p>

我知道,所有這些多多少少會讓人覺得好笑,在基本的事實(shí)層面上也能成立。但是我敢肯定,我的朋友們不是從這些角度看待我的。實(shí)際上,他們談到我時(shí)都是崇拜的口氣。

她還寫道:“他幾乎從來沒有真正笑過,甚至在我嘗試講笑話時(shí)他都不笑?!睂@一點(diǎn)我必須提出異議。實(shí)際上,在她書中讀到我的珠璣妙語時(shí),我有好幾次放聲大笑。之后我向她指出,她在自己書中列舉的證據(jù)表明,她嫁給了一個(gè)非常有趣的男人。她回答說,如果一個(gè)作家花上十年來收集某人的笑料,她可能最終只能收集到八個(gè)靠譜的笑話。

說實(shí)話,你要是細(xì)細(xì)地讀《法國小孩不亂丟食物》,就會發(fā)現(xiàn)我有與人同樂的天分。這是妻子筆下我和我們的女兒豆豆(不是真名,或者說不完全是真名)之間的談話:

一天早晨,他開玩笑地對豆豆說:“你生下來時(shí),我還以為是只猴子?!?/p>

“哼,你生下來時(shí),我還以為是坨便便?!倍苟够卮鹫f。這次西蒙笑翻了,實(shí)際上把眼淚都笑出來了。看來我以前只是沒有擊中過他最愛的笑點(diǎn):屎尿屁超現(xiàn)實(shí)主義。

這或者像專家們說的那樣——“英格蘭超現(xiàn)實(shí)主義”。真是這樣,我從一開始就是把女兒當(dāng)成已故英國笑星彼得·庫克的繼承者來培養(yǎng)的。

關(guān)于我妻子的書,我還想說一點(diǎn)。到本周一為止,我到法國就整整十年了。時(shí)至今日,我仍未開始理解這個(gè)令人困惑的國家。在讀《法國小孩不亂丟食物》時(shí),我郁悶地發(fā)現(xiàn),我妻子已經(jīng)理解法國了。以前在這里上法語課時(shí),老師總是讓班上的同學(xué)相信,要融入法國,最好的方法是參加“橫向?qū)W校”,也就是找個(gè)法國人同居,最好是教語言的老師。而英國更青睞的促進(jìn)移民融入的方法是讓他們參加考試,回答諸如“威爾士的國慶日是哪一天?”之類的問題?,F(xiàn)在我發(fā)現(xiàn),原來還有更好的辦法:寫一本關(guān)于移居國的書。這就是移民融合問題的解決之道。

有些讀者似乎覺得我妻子的書讓人頗為受益,而且書中的主角讓人樂不可支。這本書在亞馬遜上的排名比我寫過的任意一本書都要高——即使我每個(gè)小時(shí)都會查一次我的排名。毫無疑問,這說明我的妻子成績斐然,雖然從我這方面來說,我現(xiàn)在在微博上有2673名粉絲,還曾經(jīng)接受過芬蘭電視臺主要頻道的采訪。但無論如何,最偉大的作品在作者生活的時(shí)代往往都是最不受歡迎的。

我完全不需要聲名顯赫。我在遺囑里寫明,要?dú)У粑业碾娮余]件,不要想著給我寫傳記。

1. Simon Kuper:西蒙·庫珀(1969~),英國人,體育經(jīng)濟(jì)學(xué)家,歐洲最好的足球記者之一,現(xiàn)為《金融時(shí)報(bào)》(Financial Times)專欄作家。

2. hilarious [h??le?ri?s] adj. 令人捧腹的,喜不自禁的

3. French Children Dont Throw Food:《法國小孩不亂丟食物》,是本文作者的妻子帕梅拉·德魯克曼(Pamela Druckerman)的暢銷書。帕梅拉為多家媒體的專欄作家,曾任《華爾街日報(bào)》(The Wall Street Journal)記者。

4. Paddy Agnew:帕迪·阿格紐(1955~),愛爾蘭足球記者

5. pompous [?p?mp?s] adj. 自命不凡的,華而不實(shí)的

6. rebut [r??b?t] vt. 反駁,擊退

7. at great length:詳細(xì)地,細(xì)致地,洋洋灑灑地

8. bracket [?br?k?t] vt. 把……歸為一類;把……相提并論

9. Bleak House:《荒涼山莊》,狄更斯最長的作品之一,它以錯(cuò)綜復(fù)雜的情節(jié)揭露英國法律制度和司法機(jī)構(gòu)的黑暗。

10. Zadie Smith:扎迪·史密斯(1975~),英國青年一代作家的代表,代表作有《白牙》(White Teeth)等。

11. mystify [?m?st?fa?] vt. 使神秘化;使迷惑

12. hard-pressed [?hɑ?(r)dprest] adj. 很難做到的

13. bon mot [?b?n? ?m??] n. 〈法〉妙語;機(jī)智詼諧的言辭

14. scatological [?sk?t??l?d??k(?)l] adj. 與糞便有關(guān)的

15. Peter Cook:彼得·庫克(1937~1995),英國諷刺作家、喜劇演員

16. shack up with:與……同居

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