趙伐

尊敬的趙老師：

您好！

我是杭州某中學(xué)314班的學(xué)生，這是我寫的兩篇英語作文，請您指導(dǎo)，謝謝！

李? ?琛

一、應(yīng)用文寫作之書信

【寫作任務(wù)】

假定你是李華，你校下周將舉辦英語歌唱大賽，現(xiàn)急需一名英語主持人。請你給交換生Jack寫封信，鼓勵他來擔(dān)任大賽的英語主持人。內(nèi)容如下：（1）寫信目的;（2）大賽時間、地點;（3）他的優(yōu)勢。

注意：（1）詞數(shù)80左右;（2）可以適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以使行文連貫。

【原文】

Dear Jack，

Im writing to tell you that a hoster⑴is needed for next weeks English Singing Award⑵， and I believe youll be the most qualified people⑶to do the job.

The award（2）， which held⑷on Monday⑸at music hall⑹， requires hosters having⑺ a good command in English and a sense of humour. As you hosted⑻an award⑵before， you must earn⑼plenty of?relevant experiences. I believe that all audience⑽will be absorbed in⑾your elegant manner and witty words. So dont feel hesitate⑿ to apply for it.

Yours

Li Hua

【趙教授批注】

⑴ hoster是拼錯的詞， 正確寫法是host。改為an English host（英語主持人），這樣更符合題目中的要求。

⑵ award的意思是“授獎，獎勵”，應(yīng)改為competition（比賽），用contest也可以。

⑶ people指多人，改為person。

⑷ 改為is to be held，指尚未發(fā)生的事，且需用被動式。

⑸ 用next Monday更準(zhǔn)確，on可以省略。

⑹ music hall前應(yīng)加上定冠詞the。

⑺ 改為requires hosts to have。hosters錯寫，正確的為hosts。require的正確搭配是require sb. to do sth.。

⑻ 與before連用，應(yīng)改為have hosted。

⑼ 改為must have earned，表示對已經(jīng)發(fā)生的事的肯定推測。

⑽ 改為all the audience。

⑾ be absorbed in的意思是“全神貫注地做某事”，而這里的意思是“被吸引”，改為be fascinated by。

⑿ hesitate是動詞，直接用在dont之后，feel是多余的。

趙教授點評：

這封信涵蓋了三個要點：寫信的目的、大賽的時間和地點、Jack的優(yōu)勢。但語言表達上的問題較多。

1.用詞錯誤或不準(zhǔn)確，如hoster、award、people、absorb in。建議在記英語單詞時，記英語的釋義，而非漢語的意思。

2.詞塊掌握得不夠好，如動詞詞塊require sb. to do sth.， is to be held， dont hesitate to do sth.;名詞詞塊the music hall， all the audience。建議平時多注意名詞詞塊的構(gòu)成和動詞詞塊的搭配。

3.時態(tài)、語態(tài)、語氣的掌握有待加強，如is to be held， as you have hosted...before， you must have earned。建議加強對不定式的被動形式、完成時態(tài)、情態(tài)動詞+have done的理解和掌握。

二、讀后續(xù)寫

【寫作任務(wù)】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個完整的故事。

One snowy day， the winds grew stronger and the snow turned into a blinding snowstorm. A farmer was making sure his geese which he kept near the fishpond were warm enough to survive the cold. Satisfied， he went inside his house and sat down to relax before the fire for the evening. Before long he heard a loud knock， something hitting against the window. He looked outside but could not see anything. So he went outside for a better view. In the field near his house he saw， of all the strangest things， a group of swans.

They were apparently flying to look for a warmer area down south， but they had been caught in the snowstorm. The storm had become too blinding and violent for the swans to fly or see their way. They were trapped on his farm， with no food or shelter， unable to do more than wave their wings and fly in aimless circles. He had sympathy for them and wanted to help them.

He thought to himself， the barn would be a great place for them to stay. It was warm and safe; surely they could spend the night and wait out the storm. So he opened the barn doors for them. He waited， watching them， hoping they would notice the open barn and go inside.

However， they did not notice the barn or realize what it could mean for them. He moved closer toward them to get their attention， but they just moved away from him out of fear. Starting to get frustrated， he went over and tried to drive them toward the barn. They panicked and scattered into every direction except toward the barn. Nothing he did could get them to go into the barn where there was warmth， safety， and shelter.

注意：（1）所續(xù)寫短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右;（2）應(yīng)使用5個以上短文中標(biāo)有下畫線的關(guān)鍵詞語;（3）續(xù)寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好;（4）續(xù)寫完成后，請用下畫線標(biāo)出你所使用的關(guān)鍵詞語。

【原文】

Paragraph 1：

Feeling totally frustrated， he asked himself， “Why dont they follow me？” After another failed try， he suddenly found out the reason. It must be the fearness drove swans scattered from him⑴. “What should I do？” the farmer murmured with his eyebrows frowned⑵. No swan fly⑶aimlessly now. They standed⑷side by side to defind the fieceful snowstorm⑸. The only way he could save these poor birds was led them to barn⑹， but how could he acted⑺like a real swan to persuade them trust him⑻. He looked around， tried to find something helpful and his eyes fell on the fishpond.

Paragraph 2：

Suddenly， a good idea occurred in his mind. Stepping towards the fishpond swiftly， he saw the geese slept⑼near the shelter warm and safely⑽. The farmer loosed⑾the geese， led it⑿into the barn and tied it near the gate. The sound of geese pierced the snowy sky and few⒀minutes later， several swans stepped into the barn and soon realized it would be a better place to wait⒁. Within five minutes， all swans⒂stayed into⒃this shelter， which opened⒄ by a warmhearted angel in this terrible day.

【趙教授批注】

⑴ 這句話有語法錯誤，強調(diào)句的句式應(yīng)是：It must be sth. that does sth. 另外，fear本來就是名詞，不必加名詞后綴-ness;此外，drove swans scattered from him中的scattered是多余的，改為drove the swans away from him;注意：swans前面要加定冠詞，因為前面已出現(xiàn)過swans了。整句改為：It must be the fear that drove the swans away from him.

⑵ frown為不及物動詞，-ed形式含被動之意，改為：with his eyebrows frowning。這句話也可改為：the farmer murmured，his eyebrows frowning. 或the farmer murmured，frowning his eyebrows。

⑶ 改用fly的過去式flew。

⑷ 改為stood。

⑸ 改為defend themselves from the fierce snowstorm。

⑹ 改為to lead them to the barn。

⑺ 改為act。

⑻ 改為win their trust。

⑼ slept改為sleep。see的正確搭配是：see sb. do sth.。

⑽ 改為 warm and safe，用逗號隔開。形容詞詞組放在句后，作為狀語表示狀態(tài)。

⑾ 改為set free。

⑿ 這里的geese是復(fù)數(shù)，應(yīng)該是一群鵝，改為them或one of them。

⒀ 改為a few，few的意思是“幾乎沒有”。

⒁ 這部分可調(diào)整為：realized that here was a better place to wait。

⒂ 改為 all the other swans。

⒃ stayed into屬中文式的表達，改為went into。

⒄ 改為was opened。

趙教授點評：

從情節(jié)上講，這篇故事續(xù)寫得很好，農(nóng)夫用鵝引導(dǎo)天鵝進入谷倉的做法合情合理。文章使用了5個以上短文中標(biāo)有下畫線的關(guān)鍵詞語。

從語言上講，表達也比較通順，意思清楚，但存在一些拼寫、語法和用法的錯誤，尤其是漢語式的表達，具體如下：

1.有的表達受漢語思維的影響，如：It must be the fearness drove swans scattered from him， defend the fieceful snowstorm， persuade them trust him， loosed the geese， led it into the barn， all swans stayed into等。建議：1）多聽地道的英語朗讀材料，培養(yǎng)語感;2）平時閱讀時多關(guān)注動詞及其搭配的使用;3）寫作時糾正先想好漢語句子再翻譯成英語的思維習(xí)慣，直接用英語思維，特別是使用動詞及其短語來造句。

2.不及物動詞、時態(tài)、語態(tài)的掌握有待加強，如不及物動詞frown的使用;fly， stand， act的過去式;open的被動形式的使用等。建議平時閱讀時多關(guān)注動詞的使用，如時態(tài)、語態(tài)等。

3.形容詞及形容詞詞組的使用存在問題，如形容詞的正確拼寫fieceful （fierce）， 形容詞詞組用作表狀態(tài)的狀語warm and safely （warm and safe）。