劉繼華

尊敬的劉老師：

您好！

我是象山某中學(xué)的學(xué)生，我寫(xiě)的這篇英語(yǔ)作文，不知是否可以請(qǐng)您批改指導(dǎo)？謝謝！

王可伊

【寫(xiě)作任務(wù)】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進(jìn)行續(xù)寫(xiě)，使之構(gòu)成一個(gè)完整的故事。

The Water of Life⑴

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season. We had not seen rain in almost a month. The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk. The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth. It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through. Every day， my husband and his brothers would go about the tiring process of trying to get water to the farm. If we didn’t see some rain soon， we would lose everything.

It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes. I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my six-year old son， Billy， walking toward the woods. He wasn’t walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back. He was obviously walking with a great effort trying to be as still as possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods， he came running out again toward the house. I went back to make sandwiches， thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed.

Moments later， however， he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods. This activity went on for over an hour： walking carefully to the woods， and then running back to the house. Finally， my curiosity got the best of me. I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey.

He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked， very careful not to spill the water he held. Maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands. I sneaked closer as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face but he did not try to avoid them. He had a much greater purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him， I saw an amazing sight. A mother deer with a huge pair of deer horns appeared in front of him， with a baby fawn （幼鹿） lying on the dry ground. I almost screamed to get him away.

注意：⑴所續(xù)寫(xiě)短文的詞數(shù)應(yīng)為150左右;⑵至少使用5個(gè)短文中標(biāo)有下畫(huà)線的關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ);⑶續(xù)寫(xiě)部分分為兩段，每段的開(kāi)頭語(yǔ)已為你寫(xiě)好;⑷續(xù)寫(xiě)完成后，請(qǐng)用下畫(huà)線標(biāo)出你所使用的關(guān)鍵詞語(yǔ)。

【原文】

Paragraph 1：

Howevesr， Billy walked right up to them. I felt a clutch at my heart for it’d been too late to summon him back if the fierce creature with enormous horns⑵ gave him sudden attack⑶. To my amazement， however⑷， nothing miserable ⑸happened. With the water in his cupped⑹ hands， Billy knelt down slowly and inched his palms towards the corner of the baby fawn’s mouth， and with caution let the water drip into it⑺. While all of it happened⑻， the mother deer stood beside⑼， with tears glittering in her clear and gentle eyes.

【趙教授批注】

⑴ 原文細(xì)致生動(dòng)，非常漂亮，只是有一個(gè)bug：頭上長(zhǎng)那么一對(duì)大角的，應(yīng)該是公鹿（除非是馴鹿reindeer），不是a mother deer。不過(guò)，這個(gè)常識(shí)性錯(cuò)誤，是原文作者或者命題的問(wèn)題，你按原文寫(xiě)來(lái)，可以不究。但我們也應(yīng)從他人的錯(cuò)誤中吸取教訓(xùn)。

⑵ 應(yīng)有定冠詞the，因前面已提到過(guò)。如不加，則等同于一種描繪，不能說(shuō)錯(cuò)，但以加為好。

⑶ 應(yīng)有不定冠詞a。

⑷ 這個(gè)however如果移至句子開(kāi)頭，文氣會(huì)更順暢，因?yàn)閠o my amazement是新信息，與上句之間的銜接不緊密，而however這種連接性副詞本身的職責(zé)就是銜接。

⑸ 事情發(fā)生過(guò)后才能判斷是否miserable，這里尚未發(fā)生，用該詞不妥，可改為terrible。

⑹ 從實(shí)際情況看，由于鹿嘴的構(gòu)造，很難讓水滴進(jìn)鹿嘴。更為可行的是把水捧到鹿嘴邊，鹿會(huì)伸出舌頭來(lái)舔水喝。

⑺語(yǔ)法上沒(méi)有錯(cuò)，但這樣的語(yǔ)言挺繞的，不夠干凈。其實(shí)，all the while三個(gè)詞就好了。

⑻現(xiàn)代英語(yǔ)中，beside一般都是介詞，后面要加賓語(yǔ)的?？梢杂胋eside them或者by the side。

【原文】

Paragraph 2：

I witnessed the most beautiful heart working hard to save a life. I rooted myself behind a tree to avoid being spotted by Billy， and（10） without being disturbed， he carried on（11） his rescuing plan in the woods. After what seemed like a century（12）， he paused， sitting（13） upon the ground near the fawn and stroking its fur（14）. I was too touched by the scene to become aware（15） that it was darkening and clouds（16）were gathering above the woods. After months’（17） drought， it finally rained. Thrilled shouting and crying coming in the distance（18）， I felt the rain， mixed with my tears， streaming down my cheeks.

【趙教授批注】

（9）這個(gè)句子用and連接了兩個(gè)分句，意義上當(dāng)然沒(méi)有問(wèn)題，但從意義中心來(lái)看，兩個(gè)分句所述不同，最好能分開(kāi)兩句寫(xiě)，也就是改為：I rooted...by Billy. Without being disturbed...in the woods.

（10） carry on的意思是continue an activity or task，意義上此處沒(méi)有問(wèn)題，但需加介詞with帶賓語(yǔ)。如你想表達(dá)“他做了或做完了這個(gè)計(jì)劃”，則可用carry out（不帶with）。

（11） 在這篇文章里，what seemed like a century其實(shí)并不妥帖。如果是不好的事情，比如危急的事情等，這個(gè)說(shuō)法才合適。這個(gè)地方用after what seemed a very long time更妥帖。

（12） -ing是同時(shí)進(jìn)行的動(dòng)作，那么，此處sitting upon the ground是持續(xù)性動(dòng)作（與sitting down不同），與瞬間動(dòng)作paused同時(shí)進(jìn)行，邏輯上有疙瘩。其實(shí)，這個(gè)句子還不如把三個(gè)動(dòng)作全部用一般過(guò)去時(shí)表示：He paused， sat down on the ground by the fawn and started to stroke its fur. 另外，這里的paused可以刪去，因?yàn)锽illy應(yīng)該是把水喂完了，后面不可能再開(kāi)始喂。

（13） its fur改成his fur更好。

（14）too touched...to become aware非常生硬，改成so touched...that I wasn’t aware...就好了。

（15）aware后其實(shí)帶的是兩個(gè)從句，所以clouds前如能加引導(dǎo)詞that，則語(yǔ)言更為規(guī)范清楚。

（16）原文講“We had not seen rain in almost a month”，此處months’drought不能說(shuō)不可能，但邏輯上可能不夠嚴(yán)密。

（17）你如果想用一個(gè)獨(dú)立主格結(jié)構(gòu)，最好加一個(gè)with，以明確指示這是一個(gè)獨(dú)立主格結(jié)構(gòu)，不讓讀者費(fèi)神（因?yàn)樗c后面的主句關(guān)系不是非常密切）。我個(gè)人意見(jiàn)（當(dāng)然別的老師會(huì)有不同想法）：其實(shí)，這個(gè)獨(dú)立主格結(jié)構(gòu)與后面主句關(guān)系不密切（這些shouting啥的跟I felt rain有什么關(guān)系？沒(méi)有關(guān)系），所以這樣用獨(dú)立主格結(jié)構(gòu)并不好。最后一句也許這樣改會(huì)好些：I heard thrilled shouting and crying in the distance. Rain， mixed with my tears， streamed down my cheeks.

劉教授點(diǎn)評(píng)：

這篇續(xù)寫(xiě)很好，情節(jié)曲折合理，尤其是結(jié)尾下雨的設(shè)計(jì)，令人精神一振，可圈可點(diǎn)。故事人物刻畫(huà)細(xì)致，情感傳達(dá)充分、自然、感人，語(yǔ)言也較為地道，總體通順流暢。有幾點(diǎn)需要注意：

1. 細(xì)處要準(zhǔn)確。如：冠詞的使用。英語(yǔ)是形合語(yǔ)言，其意義受其形式限制。enormous horns是原文中已經(jīng)提到過(guò)的，續(xù)寫(xiě)中使用應(yīng)加定冠詞;sudden attack則是第一次，應(yīng)使用不定冠詞。又如：所選用詞語(yǔ)的意義應(yīng)該貼切，如miserable和after what seemed like a century等詞語(yǔ)的意義。

2. 邏輯要合理。邏輯主要是從情節(jié)與人物刻畫(huà)（性格、動(dòng)作等）等方面講的，但是，所有的任務(wù)都是用語(yǔ)言完成的，因此，邏輯是否合理實(shí)際主要在語(yǔ)言層面上體現(xiàn)。如he paused， sitting...and stroking...以及too touched to become aware...實(shí)際就是邏輯問(wèn)題。上面所講考慮詞語(yǔ)意義貼切實(shí)際上也屬邏輯問(wèn)題。

3. 文氣要自然。如第二段所續(xù)第一句中兩個(gè)分句用and連接，表面上看，似乎語(yǔ)言接在一起了，但由于兩個(gè)分句意義上有間距，用and連接反而不通暢。另如句與句之間的銜接，如To my amazement， however， nothing miserable happened一句，however的位置干擾了連貫性。文氣其實(shí)就是coherence，coherence很多時(shí)候依靠cohesion完成，cohesion使用是否恰當(dāng)，影響著文氣是否通暢。

其實(shí)，上面所講的三點(diǎn)都可以歸入邏輯問(wèn)題（情節(jié)邏輯、意義邏輯），歸根結(jié)底就是語(yǔ)言邏輯問(wèn)題。建議以后讀書(shū)、寫(xiě)作時(shí)多思考what和why這兩個(gè)問(wèn)題——“這是什么？”“為什么這樣用？”“這樣用對(duì)不對(duì)？”“這樣用好不好？”“為什么？”多加練習(xí)，必有驚喜。