Jeff+Charlebois

這個世界上到處都是懶人。有人懶得徹底，生活得一塌糊涂。有人卻身懶心不懶，想盡辦法進行各種發(fā)明和創(chuàng)新，讓自己從無聊的重復性工作中抽身出來，以便能有更多的時間繼續(xù)懶惰。所以，一批批讓人們的生活變得更加輕松的新式工具和發(fā)明應運而生：電話、遙控器、汽車、洗衣機、刷碗機、掃地機器人……從古至今，懶人們對社會貢獻的創(chuàng)新點子可遠遠不止這些，下面就讓我們來見識一下懶人們的不凡之舉。

Americans are lazy. And you know what？ Id like to argue that laziness is a good thing. Laziness gets us going. It breeds innovation. After all， what do people want？ They want something that can make their lives simpler. People will always buy that widget1） or gizmo2） that makes their day easier. So the forward-thinking lazy man will set his laziness aside for a few months to come up with something that promises to help people become lazier. Why？ Because life is all about greed and money. And not only are greed and money good， so is good， old-fashioned laziness.

There was a time when people used to have to walk places. （I know， crazy， isnt it？） At that time， there was no other choice. Eventually， however， folks got tired of walking， got lazy and jumped on the back of a horse. Unfortunately， they came to find out that this horse was a bear to take care of. It needed a barn to stay in， which meant someone had to build it one. Someone had to feed the horse， brush it， and generally look after it. The whole undertaking was a pain. So some lazy slob， who was no doubt tired of walking or smelling horse manure， invented the engine. A car was born.

Basic communication began with smoke signals but I have to imagine it would be pretty tiresome building a fire every time you wanted to invite someone over for dinner. Thankfully， someone invented papyrus3） so that people could make up formal invites. Then， because it would take monks several weeks to make copies of those invites， along came Gutenberg4） with a press that could crank out ten invites in a day. This allowed monks everywhere the ability to return to not talking to each other and humming.

Delivering the invites probably took months， thanks to the Pony Express5）， which meant that dinner was usually spoiled by the time folks received their dinner invitations. But then， along came Alexander Bell （who no doubt found opening an envelope burdensome and time consuming） to invent the telephone. This device allowed people to personally invite someone over for dinner. Sure， its always a pain getting up off the couch to answer the phone， but a much bigger problem is coming up with a spur-of-the-moment lie to justify declining the invitation. （No one wants to admit to being too lazy to attend.）

And so we have the answering machine. This device allowed the excuse of being out of town to become fashionable. Enter cell phones， allowing people to be reached at all times， a development that has made ducking invitations even more difficult than ever.

And what about our kids？ Without question， children are an integral part of the American nuclear family. But their primary function is to engender laziness—to help the parents out on the tedious household chores. As soon as a child is able to walk， its legal to make the little runt6） a household slave. Why should you have to take out the trash when theres a kid around？ The bright idea to assign chores to children was the secret reason behind the population boom. I suspect people were just plain tired of having to do the dishes and wash their clothes， and they figured kids were easy to boss7） around and fun to spank8）. Let kids handle the stuff that adults hate to do. Brilliant！

（Note： This plan has ultimately backfired9） because many children have now become lazier than their parents.）

Yes， my friend， laziness breeds innovation. Throughout history， almost everything ever invented was born from slothfulness： the steam engine， the choo-choo train， the riding lawnmower10）， the computer. Each of these things was concocted11） for one reason： to give us more time to rest. （Sleep is a beautiful thing.）

Many baby boomers12） remember the grueling13） days of having to sit through numerous commercials on TV. Ugh. （These were the olden days in which there were only three networks—and you had to play with rabbit ears to get them.） Luckily， some MIT genius， who was probably tired of having to put down his Twinkies and get up to switch over to Star Trek， came up with the greatest invention in the world： the remote control. This device revolutionized television watching and the slug14） was born. No more having to get up off the couch （groan） and change channels. No more sending your kid to do it for you. Now it was possible to just sit in one place and push a button to allow the world to unfold in front of you.

But commercials serve their own role in the promotion of laziness. Not a night goes by that several “as seen on TV” ads dont pop up on the screen， each hawking The Garden Weasel， Wonder Hangers， The Neckline Slimmer， Smart Mop， or that crazy little Ped Egg15）. In such advertisements， hyper16）， coked-up pitchmen17） swear they have items that will make our lives easier. （The only catch？ Most of these miracle items last about a week.） No need to run to the farmers market when you can have giant blueberries in your own backyard！ Toss Mr. Steamy18） in the dryer and never do any painstaking ironing！ And how about the breakthrough technology of The Flowbee19）？ Instead of having to waste energy by squeezing a pair of scissors together， now you can simply cut and vacuum your hair！ No more dandruff20）. Spill something？ All those time-consuming trips to grab paper towels are things of the past when you buy a ShamWow21）！

But for my money22）， the one item that epitomizes just how lazy Americans have become is The Clapper23）， a device that has finally made our one form of exercise—getting up and turning off a light—obsolete. Im telling you， youve got to think lazy to be rich！

Thank God for lazy people. If you want to be wealthy， take an hour or two out of your daily television watching and invent something that will help people become lazier.

As for me， Im off to make my dinner. I dont know if I have the strength to cut up any vegetables tonight. Where the hell is my Slap Chop Food Chopper？ Oh， and could someone please invent something that writes articles？

美國人都很懶。你明白嗎？我想說明的是：懶惰是件好事。懶惰使我們進步。懶惰催生創(chuàng)新。說到底，人們需要什么？他們需要可以使生活變得更加簡便的東西。人們總是喜歡買一些小工具、小發(fā)明，以使日子過得更加輕松。于是，有著超前思維的懶人就騰出幾個月的懶惰時間，發(fā)明出一些有望使人們變得更加懶惰的東西。為什么呢？因為人生在世，無非就是貪婪和金錢。而且，不光貪婪和金錢是好東西，老掉牙的懶惰也是好東西。

從前，人們不得不靠兩條腿四處走動。（我知道，這聽起來也蠻拼的，對吧？）那時候，不這樣也沒別的辦法呀。不過，人們最終還是厭倦了走路，變得懶惰起來，于是就騎在了馬背上。遺憾的是，人們漸漸發(fā)現(xiàn)，這馬照料起來也挺費事的。有了馬就需要馬廄，這就意味著你必須給它建造一所。還要有人來喂馬，給馬梳毛，并進行一些日常的照料工作。這樣照料來照料去也夠折騰人的。于是，某個懶人—他毫無疑問厭倦了行走或者說受不了馬糞的臭味—就發(fā)明了發(fā)動機。于是汽車就誕生了。

人類最基本的通訊手段始于煙火信號，但依據(jù)我的想象，如果你每次邀請朋友過來共進晚餐都要點把火，也真是夠麻煩的。謝天謝地，有人發(fā)明了紙莎草紙，這樣一來，人們就可以書寫正式的邀請了。接著，由于僧侶們往往要花費幾周的時間才能制作出幾份這樣的邀請（編注：13世紀中期的歐洲，通常僧侶和牧師都是受過教育的，能讀能寫，所以像制作請?zhí)惖墓ぷ骶徒挥伤麄儊硗瓿桑?，于是，古騰堡的活版印刷就問世了，一天可以制作出十封邀請信。這就使得世界各地的僧侶們可以繼續(xù)吟誦經文而無需彼此交談了。

由于當時采用的是驛馬快信制，傳遞這些邀請函可能會花費幾個月的時間，這就意味著等人們收到宴會邀請函時，飯菜通常都餿了。于是，亞歷山大·貝爾出現(xiàn)了（毫無疑問，他發(fā)現(xiàn)打開信函太麻煩、太費時間），他發(fā)明了電話。電話讓人們可以親自邀請某人前來共進晚餐。毋庸諱言，從沙發(fā)上起身接電話始終是件痛苦的事，但更大的問題是如何當場靈機一動想出一個謊言來拒絕邀請。（沒人愿意承認自己太懶，懶得出席晚宴。）

于是，我們就有了電話留言機。電話留言機使得出門在外成為一個流行的借口。接下來手機應運而生，手機使得人們隨時都能被聯(lián)系到，這個進步使得躲避邀請比以往任何時候都更加困難。

那么我們的孩子們呢？毫無疑問，兒童是美國核心家庭不可分割的一部分。但兒童的主要功能是助長懶惰—使父母從無聊的家務活中解脫出來。孩子只要一學會走路，父母就可以合法地將這個小不點變成家務奴隸。家里有小孩，你又何須親自動手倒垃圾呢？將家務分配給孩子做，這想法真是聰明絕頂，這才是人口激增背后的秘密原因。我猜想人們只是徹底厭倦了刷盤子、洗衣服，他們覺得孩子容易使喚，打起他們的屁股來也很好玩。讓孩子去做成人們痛恨的事情。真是太聰明了！

（注意：這一招數(shù)的終極結果是搬起石頭砸自己的腳，因為如今許多孩子已變得比他們的父母還要懶惰。）

的確，朋友們，懶惰乃創(chuàng)新之母。從古至今，幾乎所有的發(fā)明創(chuàng)造都誕生于懶惰：蒸汽機、火車、騎乘式割草機、電腦。所有這些東西都是因一個原因而問世：給我們更多的休息時間。（睡覺是件美妙的事情。）

嬰兒潮時期誕生的那代人許多都還記得那些難熬的日子：不得不忍受一個又一個的電視廣告。我呸?。ㄟb想當年，僅有三家電視網(wǎng)絡可供選擇—你還要常常擺弄兔耳朵似的電視天線才能收到。）幸運的是，麻省理工學院的某個天才創(chuàng)造了世界上最偉大的發(fā)明：電視遙控器！或許是因為他討厭放下夾心面包頻頻站起來將電視調到演《星際迷航》的頻道吧。遙控器的發(fā)明使得看電視的行為發(fā)生了革命性變化，電視懶人從此誕生。再也不需要從沙發(fā)上頻頻起身（抱怨著）換臺了。再也不需要打發(fā)孩子替你動手了?，F(xiàn)在你完全可以坐在一個地方，只需按一下按鈕，整個世界就會展現(xiàn)在你的眼前。

但廣告本身也在為懶惰的發(fā)揚光大推波助瀾。每天晚上，電視屏幕上都會出現(xiàn)若干“電視購物”廣告，推銷“花園鼬鼠”園藝工具、神奇衣架、脖頸按摩器、智能拖把或者小巧怪異的磨腳蛋（譯注：一種去除腳部死皮的蛋形磨腳器）等。在廣告中，那些亢奮得跟吸食了可卡因似的推銷員們信誓旦旦地說他們的產品將會使我們的生活變得更加方便。（唯一的問題？這些神奇的產品大多只能使用一周左右。）在自家后院里就可以種植超大藍莓了，你再也不需要跑到農產品市場去了！把蒸汽干衣球扔到烘干機里，你再也不需要費力去熨燙衣服了！還有真空理發(fā)器那突破性的技術怎么樣？你再也無需浪費精力使用剪刀了，你可以輕松剪掉頭發(fā)，并把碎頭發(fā)清理干凈！從此再也沒有頭皮屑。把液體弄灑了？只要你擁有吸水魔巾，費時費力跑去拿紙巾的日子就將一去不返！

但在我看來，有一件物品體現(xiàn)了美國人到底變得多么懶惰，那就是聲控開關。這一裝置使我們的一種運動方式—起身關燈—終于成為過去。我告訴你，要想富，你就必須擁有懶人思維！

感謝上帝給了我們那么多懶人。你想發(fā)財嗎？那就從每天看電視的時間里抽出一兩個小時，發(fā)明一種可以讓人們變得更加懶惰的東西。

至于我，我要趕緊做晚飯去。我不知道自己今晚有沒有力氣用菜刀切菜。我的拍拍刀食品切碎機到底放哪兒去了呢？哦，還有，有沒有誰能發(fā)明出寫作機器呢？

1. widget [?w?d??t] n. 小機械；小裝置；（公司的某種）小產品

2. gizmo [?ɡ?zm??] n. 小發(fā)明；小裝置，機械裝置

3. papyrus [p??pa?r?s] n. 紙莎草紙

4. Gutenberg：即約翰內斯·古騰堡（Johannes Gutenberg， 1400～1468），德國發(fā)明家，是西方活字印刷術的發(fā)明人，他的發(fā)明推動了西方科學和社會的迅速發(fā)展。

5. Pony Express：驛馬快信制，又譯快馬郵遞或小馬快遞，是美國近代一項利用快馬接力，在加利福尼亞州和密蘇里州間傳遞郵件的系統(tǒng)。

6. runt [r?nt] n. 幼仔；（發(fā)育不全的）矮小動物（或植物、人等）

7. boss [b?s] vt. 對……發(fā)號施令；把……差來遣去

8. spank [sp??k] vt. （用手）打（小孩）的屁股

9. backfire [b?k?fa??（r）] vi. （計劃）產生適得其反的結果

10. lawnmower [?l??n?m???（r）] n. [建]割草機

11. concoct [k?n?k?kt] vt. 調制；調合

12. baby boomers：（尤指1945至1965年間英國和美國）生育高峰期出生的人

13. grueling [?ɡru??l??] adj. 折磨人的；讓人受不了的

14. slug [sl?ɡ] n. 懶散的人

15. 文中此處指各類新發(fā)明的產品。

16. hyper [?ha?p?（r）] adj. 亢奮的

17. pitchman [?p?t?m?n] n. 商品宣傳者，廣告員

18. Mr. Steamy：一款蒸汽干衣球，產品介紹宣稱使用這款產品，衣服不需熨燙，自然平整。

19. The Flowbee：一款剪頭發(fā)用的產品，集真空吸管和電動剪刀為一體。優(yōu)點是不掉頭發(fā)渣，頭發(fā)渣全都被吸到吸塵器里了。

20. dandruff [?d?ndr?f] n. 頭皮屑

21. ShamWow：一款抹布，產品介紹宣稱其吸水性特別好。

22. for my money：據(jù)我看來，依照我的意見

23. The Clapper：一款聲控電動開關，可用于控制兩個電動裝置，具體控制哪一個裝置取決于用戶拍手兩次還是三次。