張玲

老媽發(fā)飆了！快來聽聽老媽的傾訴，變得乖一點(diǎn)吧。要不然，去哪兒找那么好的老媽呢？

Dear Kids，

Remember me？ I'm the tired， angry martyr1） you malign2） and ignore every day. I'm the harridan3） who nags4） and bitches5） at you 24/7. I'm the one with the bad temper who swears and despairs in equal measure. I'm the tragic one who hasn't managed a good night's sleep since the day you were born. Yeah， it's me. I just wanted you to know that I'm taking a break. I'm giving myself a big time-out； sending myself to camp， going away for a while. Before I do， though， there are a few things you need to know.

I have left a hamper6） in each of your bedrooms. It is for your laundry. Neither I nor Dad will be doing your laundry any more. None of it. You're old enough to do your own. If you don't know how to use the machine， use those enquiring， independent minds I have endeavored to nurture and learn！

I will not be concerning myself with your diets. I will not be thinking of your nutrition， or of who likes what. I will not be buying， preparing， cooking or doing anything with food for you. I will not be baking cakes， scones7）， flapjacks8） or making grilled cheese， tuna melts9） or anything else for when you walk in the door. I will not spend one moment on ensuring you have enough protein or fiber. I will not concern myself with making any family dinners where you can unwind10）， connect， laugh or ponder11） the events of your day. This should make you happy. You can put your elbows wherever you like， talk loudly with your mouths full and cover everything in ketchup or maple syrup12）.

You may clean up after yourselves13）. I will not be putting hairbrushes or gel14） back in the drawer. I will not be picking up your pajamas from the bath mat. I will not be cleaning up your toothpaste spit from the sink every morning. I will not be opening your windows to air out15） your bedrooms or making your environment pleasurable in any way. I will not be making sure you have gym clothes ready. I will not be putting your breakfast bowls in the dishwasher， nor wiping up the milk you spilt. I will not be doing your abandoned chores because I won't be taking pity on you. I will not be dying/braiding your hair， taking you for haircuts or getting you prescriptions for your skin. I will not be taking you to the doctor/chiropractor16）.

Arrange your own rides everywhere. I will not be planning any trips for you or driving you anywhere. I will not be coordinating with any other parents to get you to or from any of your activities， despite how much hard-earned and scarce money we have paid for you to do them.

Do your homework or don't. I won't be checking if you have any， if you've done it， helping you with it or signing any papers. I won't be reminding you of projects or procuring17） your supplies. I won't be contacting any teachers with excuses for why you're late/haven't done homework/can't attend. I will not be taking any interest in your education whatsoever. Your future， for now at least， is in your hands. Not mine.

Lastly， look carefully elsewhere for a soft place to land. Advice， empathy， support， sympathy， encouragement， solace18） and kindness will not be supplied. I will not be listening to your problems with your friends. I will not be a sounding board19） for your issues. I will not be listening to your tales， jokes， trials or tribulations20） nor will I be helping you to find solutions to your myriad21） difficulties. I will not be providing hugs， massages， foot rubs22） or any form of physical comfort to let you know you're loved， accepted or cherished. I won't be paying you compliments or telling you how smart/handsome/pretty/cute or funny you are. I won't be bolstering23） your fragile， burgeoning24） egos in any way.

While I'm away I want you to play a game. It's called "Pretend You're Me". Metaphorically25） wear my shoes. Walk in them for a little bit. Do what I do for five minutes. See what I see and try to feel what I feel. She or he that finishes exhausted， sad， stressed， milked， over-burdened and exploited is the winner！

Love，

Mum

親愛的孩子們：

還記得我嗎？我是那個(gè)又累又氣的受氣包，你們每天說我壞話，還不理我。我是那個(gè)一周七天、一天24小時(shí)嘮叨、埋怨你們的悍婦。我是那個(gè)壞脾氣的家伙，詛咒發(fā)誓和絕望無助一樣的多。我是那個(gè)悲催可憐的家伙，自打你們出生就再也沒能睡上一晚的好覺。是的，這個(gè)人就是我。我只是想讓你們知道，我要休息一下了。我要給自己放一個(gè)大長(zhǎng)假，送自己去露營(yíng)，離開一段時(shí)間。但是，在我離開前，有幾件事兒你們得知道。

我在你們每個(gè)人的臥室里都放了一個(gè)洗衣籃，用來裝你們的待洗衣物。我和你們的爸爸都不會(huì)再幫你們洗衣服了，一件也不洗。你們已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大，可以自己洗了。如果你們不知道怎么用洗衣機(jī)，就動(dòng)動(dòng)我一直竭力培養(yǎng)你們的那愛探究和獨(dú)立思考的腦瓜，自己去學(xué)！

我不會(huì)再操心你們的飲食。我不會(huì)再考慮你們的營(yíng)養(yǎng)，或誰喜歡吃什么。我不會(huì)去買食物，準(zhǔn)備食物，烹飪食物，或?yàn)槟銈冏鋈魏魏褪澄镉嘘P(guān)的事情。當(dāng)你們走進(jìn)家門時(shí)，不會(huì)再看到我在烤蛋糕、司康、煎餅，或在做烤奶酪、金槍魚三明治或其他任何東西。我不會(huì)再花哪怕一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)時(shí)間去確保你們攝入了足夠的蛋白質(zhì)和纖維。我再也不用操心做什么家庭晚餐，讓你們能夠在這時(shí)放松心情、溝通交流、開懷大笑或思考這一天里發(fā)生的事情。這應(yīng)該會(huì)讓你們開心吧。你們可以想把胳膊肘放哪兒就放哪兒，可以滿嘴是飯也大聲說話，可以吃什么東西都抹上番茄醬或楓糖了。

你們可能還要給自己清理善后。我不會(huì)再幫你們把梳子或發(fā)膠放回抽屜。我不會(huì)再把你們的睡衣褲從浴室的地墊上撿起來。我不會(huì)每天早晨清理洗臉池里你們吐的牙膏沫。我不會(huì)幫你們開窗，給你們的臥室通風(fēng)或以任何方式讓你們的環(huán)境變得舒適宜人。我不會(huì)再保證你們的健身服都準(zhǔn)備好了。我不會(huì)把你們?cè)绮陀眠^的碗放進(jìn)洗碗機(jī)，或擦掉你們?yōu)⒊龅呐Ｄ獭Ｎ也粫?huì)再做那些你們不愿做的雜事，因?yàn)槲也粫?huì)再同情你們。我不會(huì)幫你們?nèi)绢^發(fā)或編辮子，不會(huì)帶你們?nèi)ダ戆l(fā)或找醫(yī)生給你們開治皮膚病的藥。我不會(huì)再帶你們?nèi)タ瘁t(yī)生或做理療。

不管去哪兒你們都要自己安排行程。我不會(huì)再幫你們計(jì)劃任何旅行，也不會(huì)開車帶你們?nèi)ト魏蔚胤健Ｎ也粫?huì)再和其他任何家長(zhǎng)協(xié)調(diào)你們參加任何一個(gè)活動(dòng)的接送問題，盡管那些活動(dòng)是我和你爸爸已經(jīng)花了辛苦掙來的寶貴金錢讓你們?nèi)⒓拥摹?/p>

你們做不做家庭作業(yè)都行。我不會(huì)再檢查你們是不是有作業(yè)、是不是做了作業(yè)，我也不會(huì)再幫你們做作業(yè)或在你們的卷子上簽字。我不會(huì)提醒你們要完成課題或給你們買相關(guān)用品。我不會(huì)聯(lián)系任何一位老師，為你們解釋你們?yōu)槭裁催t到、沒做家庭作業(yè)、不能去上學(xué)。我不會(huì)再對(duì)你們的教育有任何興趣。你們的未來，至少就目前而言，在你們的手里，而不在我的手里。

最后，去別處仔細(xì)尋找“溫柔鄉(xiāng)”吧。我這里不會(huì)再為你們提供建議、同感、支持、同情、鼓勵(lì)、安慰和慈愛了。我不會(huì)再聽你們傾訴你們和朋友間的問題。我不會(huì)再為你們的問題出謀劃策。我不會(huì)再聽你們講故事、說笑話、傾訴憂傷，更不會(huì)再幫你們想辦法解決那沒完沒了的難題了。我不會(huì)再為你們提供擁抱、按摩、捏腳或其他任何形式的身體上的安慰，好讓你們知道我愛你們、接納你們或愛護(hù)你們。我不會(huì)再夸你們或告訴你們，你們有多聰明、帥氣、漂亮、機(jī)靈或有趣。我不會(huì)再用任何方式增強(qiáng)你們那脆弱的、正在萌芽的自我意識(shí)了。

我離開家的這段時(shí)間里，我希望你們能玩一個(gè)游戲。游戲的名字叫“假裝你們是我”，用比喻的方法說就是“穿上我的鞋子”。穿著我的鞋子走一會(huì)兒，做五分鐘我做的那些事情，從我的角度去看，盡量去體會(huì)我的感受。誰到最后覺得疲憊、傷心、緊張、透支、不堪重負(fù)、被人剝削，誰就是這個(gè)游戲的獲勝者！

愛你們的媽媽