by Shona Sibary

Until the age of five， I was blissfully[幸福地] unaware of how my looks—or lack of them—would affect my life. Of course， starting school changed all that and brought with it the dawning[開始] realisation that I wasnt pretty like a lot of the other girls in my class.

Id been born with a birthmark[胎記] rendering[致使] me blind in my right eye and while that had been surgically[如外科手術(shù)般地] removed， it still took years for my eye to open properly （I still have a squint[斜眼]）. And as if this wasnt enough， my front teeth were prominent[突出的] and crooked[歪的]， which immediately earned me the nickname Bugs Bunny注1. Its a wonder my mother hadnt shoved[亂塞] me at the midwife[助產(chǎn)士] and done a runner.

Thirty-five years on， not that much has changed. I may have learned not to care so deeply， but I can see—out of one eye at least—how having a face that is“different” （which is just another word for ugly） has held me back in many areas of my life.

五歲之前，我幸福地沒有意識到自己的長相——或長相缺陷——會影響我的生活。當(dāng)然，上學(xué)后一切都改變了，這讓我開始意識到，自己長得不如班上其他女孩漂亮。

我出生時就有一個胎記，讓我右眼失明，盡管做手術(shù)切除了它，我的眼睛過了好幾年才能正常睜開（我現(xiàn)在仍然有點斜眼）。好像這還不夠似的，我的門牙突出，歪歪扭扭的，立馬就為我贏得了“兔八哥”的綽號。我的母親沒有把我塞給助產(chǎn)士，然后一跑了之，真是個奇跡。

三十五年過去了，（我的臉）還是沒有太大改變。我也許已經(jīng)學(xué)會了不那么在意，但我可以看到——至少用一只眼睛——頂著一張“與眾不同”（這只是丑陋的代名詞罷了）的臉，如何讓我在生活的方方面面?zhèn)涫艹钢狻?/p>

I may not have been endowed with[被賦予] the looks of a young Brigitte Bardot注2， but at least I am not stupid. And its been clear to me for years that being plain[相貌平平的] is one of lifes unspoken handicaps[障礙].

Having gorgeous[華麗的] parents didnt help. My father was a model in the Sixties， posing in a sheepskin coat to advertise a well-known cigarette brand. My mother， with her violet[紫羅蘭色的] blue eyes and thick dark hair， looked like a cross[混合體] between a young Elizabeth Taylor注3 and Vivien Leigh注4.

Ill never forget having lunch at the home of my eccentric[古怪的] great aunt when she put down her fork， appraised[評估] me across the table and said： “Well， you clearly havent inherited[繼承] your mothers looks. I hope， for your sake， youve got a strong personality.”

I felt crushed， of course. I sensed， even at that age， that being pretty gave you advantages I didnt have. Friends， for a start.

Schoolgirls can be horribly cruel and will seek out weaknesses in others—no matter how shallow[膚淺的]—to gain control in the playground. Needless to say， the ones with long blonde hair and straight teeth were the most popular， ruthlessly[無情地] excluding the geeky[令人討厭的] girls like me.

Later， I headed off to university hoping to snog[吻] any boy who would oblige[施恩惠于] in the dark recesses[深處] of the student bar. In fact， the only guys even vaguely[模糊地] interested in talking to me were bespectacled[戴眼鏡的] chemistry undergrads[本科生] or gay.

After a year， feeling out of place and lonely， I dropped out and joined a local newspaper as a trainee[實習(xí)生]. It was there that I had my first serious romance， but not with a fellow trainee or reporter. At the age of 19， I moved in with a 43-year-old divorced farmer—and his cow， Gertrude. He ended up chucking[丟棄] all my stuff in the mud outside his front door. I moved to London to embark on[從事] a career as a journalist.

It was there， just a year later， that I met my husband， Keith， on a trade publication. He was in the sales department， had a motorbike and a glamorous[迷人的] past living in Paris. He was such a normal looking 20-something guy that I had to keep checking he was interested in me and not the blonde girl with big boobs[胸脯] sitting at the desk behind me.

But， indeed， he was， and for the first time in my life I felt attractive—because he made me feel that way. He told me repeatedly how he loved the way I looked—and still does. It has taken me 18 years and four children to believe him， and even now I think he just must be one of those rare men who are more interested in inner beauty.

Ive finally learned to accept that I am not—and never will be—a “l(fā)ooker[美人]”. But this is fine. I am what I am and nothing—apart from a fortune spent on plastic surgery[整形手術(shù)]—is going to change this for me.

But when I see how doors open， literally[字面上的] and metaphorically[隱喻地]， for friends who are less facially challenged， I feel like that five-year-old in the playground all over again， burning with indignation[憤怒] that the other girls wont let me play with them because I have buck teeth[齙牙] and short brown hair.

I recently went on holiday with an old school friend to celebrate our joint[共同的] 40th birthdays. She is single， blonde and very attractive. Throughout our trip， men were holding doors open for her （and then letting them swing in my face）； carrying her bag， but ignoring mine； and falling over themselves[特別賣力做（某事）] to buy her drinks and apply her sun lotion[防曬霜].

I have to admit I felt enraged[觸怒] at being invisible[看不見的] and blatantly[公然地] ignored. Its a harsh fact of life， but at least I wont have to go through the agony[痛苦] of losing my looks because they were never there in the first place.

Research shows that others see you as 20% more attractive than you think you are. Thats because， when you look in the mirror， youre simply judging yourself on looks. All you can see is your reflection—but none of the personality.

“Theres so much more to beauty than looks alone，” says Dr. Luftman. “A great figure， shiny hair and lovely skin may turn heads and get you noticed， but beauty is also about the way you move， speak and express yourself. Its about good health， warmth， spontaneity[自然舉動] and charisma[魅力].” This is probably just another way of saying that if， like me， youve pulled the short straw[命運不幸者] in the pretty stakes[風(fēng)險]， you should work on your personality.

As upsetting as coming to terms with my looks has been， I have learned there are a few advantages.

One of the first jobs I got， straight out of Journalism College， was as PA注5 to Bob Wheaton， the editor of BBC Breakfast News and， at the time， Jill Dandos partner. While I congratulated myself on landing a role hundreds of other people had gone for and secretly put it down to my killer news instinct and honed[磨礪] research skills， someone in the newsroom one day dropped the bombshell[炸彈] that Jill paid close attention to Bobs female editorial assistants—and as far as she was concerned， the less attractive they were the better.

Other good points？ I dont have conversations with the tops of mens heads as they drool at[流口水] my chest and， needless to say， Ive never had to suffer the indignity[侮辱] of being dismissed[解職] as “just a pretty face”.

On the contrary[相反]， people usually take me seriously and assume a level of intelligence because youd have to be really unlucky to look like me and not have something else going for you.

Though I feel incredibly lucky in countless ways—my husband doesnt wince[退縮] when he looks at me and my children tell me Im pretty （clearly an attempt to procure[獲得] chocolate）—I do sometimes wish I knew how it felt to have a face that could launch a thousand ships or， at the very least， inspire the postman to wink at me in the morning.

After all， deep down， isnt being pretty what every woman secretly wants to be？

我或許沒有被賦予年輕版碧姬·芭鐸的美貌，但至少我不傻。多年來，我很清楚，長相平平是生活中一個無以明說的羈絆。

即使父母英俊漂亮也無濟于事。我的父親是60年代的模特，穿著羊皮大衣為一個著名香煙品牌做廣告。我的母親有著藍紫色的眼睛和濃密的深色頭發(fā)，看起來就像是年輕時伊麗莎白·泰勒和費雯·麗的混合體。

我永遠不會忘記在我那古怪的漂亮姨媽家吃午餐時，她放下叉子，隔著餐桌打量著我，說：“嗯，你顯然沒有繼承你母親的美貌。我希望，為了你自己著想，你得有個堅強的個性?！?/p>

我當(dāng)然覺得快要崩潰了。我感覺，即使在那個年齡，長得漂亮也會給你帶來一些我不具備的優(yōu)勢。首先從交朋友開始。女生們殘酷得可怕。她們會盯著別人找弱點——無論多么膚淺——以獲得游戲場上的控制權(quán)。不用說，金發(fā)飄逸、牙齒整齊的女生最受歡迎，像我這樣討人厭的女孩則被無情地踢出圈外。

后來，我上了大學(xué)，希望能邂逅某個男孩，邀我到學(xué)生酒吧的黑暗角落一坐。事實上，有點興趣和我說話的家伙寥寥無幾，都是些戴著眼鏡的化學(xué)系本科生或同性戀。

過了一年，我感到格格不入，十分孤獨，就輟學(xué)加入了當(dāng)?shù)匾患覉笊绠?dāng)實習(xí)生。在那里，我有了第一次真正的愛情，但并不是和報社的實習(xí)生或記者。

那年我19歲，和一個43歲的離異農(nóng)民同居——還有他的奶牛，格特魯?shù)?。他最后還是把我所有的東西扔到了他前門外的泥濘中。我搬到倫敦，走上了記者的職業(yè)之路。

就在那里，僅僅一年后，我遇到了我的丈夫基思，他為一家貿(mào)易出版社工作。他在銷售部門任職，有一輛摩托車，曾有一段迷人的巴黎生活經(jīng)歷。他是這樣一個長相普通、二十幾歲的小伙子，讓我不得不一再確定，他感興趣的是我，而不是坐在我身后辦公桌的那個有著大胸脯的金發(fā)女孩。

但是，他確實對我感興趣，有生以來我第一次覺得自己有吸引力——因為他讓我有這樣的感覺。他一再告訴我他是多么喜歡我的模樣——現(xiàn)在仍是這樣。經(jīng)過十八年，生了四個孩子后我才相信他。即使是現(xiàn)在，我還是認為他一定是那些對內(nèi)在美更感興趣的稀有男人中的一個。

我終于學(xué)會了接受自己不是——永遠也不會是——一個“美人”的事實。但這也不錯。我就是我，沒有什么——除了花大筆錢財做整形手術(shù)——可以改變我。

但當(dāng)我看到大門是如何有意無意地為那些長相不俗的朋友敞開時，我就覺得自己又成為了那個站在操場上的五歲女孩，怒火中燒——就因為我的齙牙和棕色短發(fā)，其他女孩就不讓我和她們一起玩。

最近我和一個老同學(xué)去度假，慶祝我們倆的四十歲生日。她是一個金發(fā)碧眼、非常迷人的單身女子。在整個旅程中，男人們?yōu)樗_門（然后任由門在我面前晃悠地關(guān)上）；為她提包，對我的包卻視而不見；煞費苦心為她買飲料、搽防曬霜。

我不得不承認，我被他們對我視而不見和公然無視的態(tài)度所激怒。這是生活中的一個殘酷事實，但至少我不用忍受容顏漸失的痛苦，因為它們根本就沒存在過。

研究表明，在別人眼中，你的吸引力比你自己認為的高20%。這是因為，當(dāng)你在照鏡子時，你只是批判自己的長相。你能看到的僅僅是自己的映像——一點也沒注意自己的個性。

“美麗遠不只是美貌，還有更多，”魯夫曼博士說?！耙粋€有著光澤頭發(fā)和可愛膚色的美人也許一回頭就能引起你的注意，但美麗還包括你活動、說話和自我表達的方式。美麗與身體健康、待人熱情、處事自然和人格魅力有關(guān)?！边@可能只是另一種表達方式，也就是說如果你和我一樣，無論如何都與美貌無緣，那么你就應(yīng)該在個性上下工夫。

盡管我的長相令我備受困擾，但我也因此得到一些好處。

我走出新聞學(xué)院后得到的第一份工作，就是當(dāng)鮑勃·惠頓的私人助理，他是英國廣播公司（BBC）早間新聞的編輯，當(dāng)時正和吉爾·丹多搭檔。正當(dāng)我慶幸自己得到了一個數(shù)百人爭搶的職位，并暗下決心要在這個崗位上拿出我的殺手锏——新聞直覺和歷經(jīng)磨礪的研究技能時，有一天，新聞編輯部的某個人突然扔下一枚重磅炸彈，吉爾對鮑勃的女編輯助理們密切關(guān)注著——對她來說，長得越丑越好。

其他好處？我不用和我的頂頭上司們交談，因為他們不會垂涎欲滴地盯著我的胸口看。更不用說，我從沒有遭受過因為“只是個花瓶”而被解雇的侮辱。

相反，人們通常很認真地對待我，認為我智力超群，因為你要是長得和我一樣，又沒有自己獨特的東西，那就真是太不走運了。

雖然我在無數(shù)方面感到無比幸運——我的丈夫看著我的時候目不轉(zhuǎn)睛，我的孩子們說我漂亮（顯然是想要巧克力）——但我有時候確實想知道要是我有一張讓千帆奮進，或至少能讓郵差在早上對我眨眼的臉會是什么感覺。

畢竟，在內(nèi)心深處，每個女人不都希望擁有一張漂亮的臉蛋嗎？

注1：兔八哥，又譯“賓尼兔”，英文意思是“瘋狂的兔子”，是在《兔八哥》動畫系列里出現(xiàn)的一個卡通人物。

注2：碧姬·芭鐸（1934—）法國電影女明星，以美貌和性感著稱。

注3：伊麗莎白·泰勒（1932—2011），美國著名影星，兩次問鼎奧斯卡最佳女主角獎，有“好萊塢常青樹”和“世界頭號美人”之稱，尤其以一雙漂亮的藍紫色眼睛聞名于世。

注4：費雯·麗（1913—1967），英國著名女演員，以驚人的美貌和精湛的演技聞名于世，因成功飾演《亂世佳人》中的郝思嘉一角而問鼎奧斯卡最佳女主角獎。