by Kevin Farrell

I was at 1）Fort Drum in upstate New York last year when it really hit me. I dont know if it was because I was getting ready to go to war and was nervous， or because I watched the sun rise every morning at first formation， and that always reminded me of Kathryn. Either way， all I knew for certain was that I was still in love with her， and I had to get her back into my life.

For a long time I had this crazy idea that I could change the world if I just worked hard enough. The 2）downside of having that idea is that it took me away from home for long periods of time.

Kathryn was always at home waiting for me. All told I was away for an entire year of the two and a half years we dated.

I met Kathryn when I was 22 and she was 18. The short version of our story sounds great： Her house caught fire and I was in the fire department.

去年，當(dāng)思念真真切切地涌上心頭的時(shí)候，我是在紐約上州的德拉姆堡。我不清楚那是因?yàn)槲艺郎?zhǔn)備投身戰(zhàn)事而心緒不安，還是因?yàn)槲颐刻煸缟铣醮渭?duì)時(shí)都看到日出，而這常常會(huì)讓我想起凱瑟琳。無(wú)論是哪種原因，我能夠肯定的是我依然愛(ài)著她，并且我必須把她拉回到我的生命中。

長(zhǎng)期以來(lái)，我一直有這種瘋狂的想法，認(rèn)為自己只要夠努力就能改變世界。懷有這種想法的壞處就是會(huì)讓我長(zhǎng)期離家在外。

凱瑟琳總是呆在家里等我。在我們交往的兩年半時(shí)間里，有整整一年我是完全不在家的。

當(dāng)我遇到凱瑟琳的時(shí)候，我22歲，她18歲。我們的故事簡(jiǎn)單說(shuō)來(lái)很美妙：她的房子著火了，而我就在消防局工作。

When I got back from basic training a couple of years ago， I felt different， as if I was doing things with my life and Kathryn wasnt. I wanted something more， something bigger， and it didnt seem that she did， so I broke up with her. She was crushed， but she didnt try very hard to change my mind.

A few months later， in December， something bigger did happen. My 3）National Guard unit was selected for a 2012 deployment to Afghanistan. Suddenly our monthly 4）drills got more intense， and our annual two weeks of training that summer made me think over what was good in my life.

I called Kathryn and told her I was still in love with her and I was a fool to have let her go. She said she had a new boyfriend and was happy with him and didnt want me back.

Even though Kathryn said she didnt want me back， she entertained the texts I sent saying I loved her.

One day while she was in the shower， her boyfriend went through her phone and saw the texts， and their relationship ended shortly after. Two weeks later our new relationship started.

幾年前，當(dāng)我結(jié)束基本訓(xùn)練回家時(shí)，我的感覺(jué)有所不同，就像是我是以生命成就大事，而凱瑟琳卻不然。我想干更多、更大的事，但她看起來(lái)卻并非如此，于是我向她提出分手。她崩潰了，但沒(méi)有做太多的努力來(lái)改變我的想法。

幾個(gè)月后，到了12月，果然有大事發(fā)生。我所在的國(guó)民警衛(wèi)隊(duì)小組被選中參加奔赴阿富汗的2012年部署。突然間，我們每月的訓(xùn)練變得更加緊張起來(lái)，而那個(gè)夏天我們每年一度的為期兩周的訓(xùn)練讓我思考自己的人生什么才是美好的。

我給凱瑟琳打電話，跟她說(shuō)我依然愛(ài)她，我是個(gè)蠢蛋，竟然讓她離開(kāi)我。她說(shuō)她已經(jīng)有了新男友，和他處得很愉快，并不想與我復(fù)合。

盡管凱瑟琳口中說(shuō)她不想和我復(fù)合，但是她卻留著我發(fā)的示愛(ài)短信。

有一天，當(dāng)她在洗澡的時(shí)候，她的男友查閱她的手機(jī)，并且發(fā)現(xiàn)了那些短信，他們的關(guān)系很快就結(jié)束了。兩周后，我們的戀愛(ài)關(guān)系又重新開(kāi)始了。

It was a lot different from the first time. Instead of going to school， Kathryn had a fulltime fashion job in New York City.

Reminders of her ex-boyfriend were all over： the stuffed animal on her bed， the iPhone he bought her. I tried to ignore the image of her with someone else， and I tried even harder to make our new relationship like our old one. I tried， but I didnt do so well.

這次與最初的時(shí)候有很大的不同。凱瑟琳已經(jīng)沒(méi)有上學(xué)了，她在紐約有一份全職的時(shí)尚界工作。

讓人想起她前男友的東西到處都是：她床上的毛絨動(dòng)物、他買(mǎi)給她的蘋(píng)果手機(jī)。我嘗試忽略她與其他人的照片，我也費(fèi)盡心思讓我們的新關(guān)系回復(fù)到以前一樣。我盡力了，但效果并不好。

Our evenings together mainly consisted of us eating takeout and her falling asleep on the couch as we watched reruns of Project Runway.

我們一起度過(guò)的晚上多數(shù)是我們一起吃外賣(mài)，而她就在我們看《天橋驕子》的重播時(shí)，在沙發(fā)上睡著了。

Light from the television filled the dark room and flickered on us like a fire but gave no warmth. The space between us on the couch spoke more about our relationship than we did to each other.

After two months of this， we were eating dinner one evening when I brought up 5）the elephant in the room： “What are we going to do when I deploy？”

“I dont know，” she replied， quietly.

“Do you still want to date while Im gone？”

She looked down at her plate. “Not really.”

“So then what are we doing？”

Again， quietly， she said， “I dont know.”

She did know. We both knew. She just didnt want to say out loud that she didnt want to wait for me again. I understood. She was 22， beautiful and shouldnt be wasting her life waiting for me. We broke up， but this time she broke up with me.

I tried going on dates， but it never went well. The deployment hung over my head like a 6）guillotine， ready to cut me off from everything I knew and loved. My weekends were spent going out to restaurants and movies with girls I had met online， at bars or through friends. There would be small talk about our lives， the past and the present， but when the future came up， things went downhill.

電視上的光照亮了昏暗的房間，并且在我們身上如火焰般閃動(dòng)，但卻毫無(wú)溫暖。沙發(fā)上我倆間的距離比我們所做的更能說(shuō)明我們之間的關(guān)系。

兩個(gè)月后，一天晚上，我們吃晚餐的時(shí)候，我將這個(gè)大家一直避而不談的問(wèn)題和盤(pán)托出：“我參加部署后，我們?cè)趺崔k？”

“我不知道?！彼届o地回答。

“我走后，你還希望繼續(xù)交往嗎？”

她低著頭看著她的盤(pán)子：“不太想?！?/p>

“那我們現(xiàn)在在干什么？”

又一次，她平靜地說(shuō)：“我不知道。”

她知道的。我們都知道。她只是不想大聲說(shuō)出她不想再等我了。我明白。她22歲，長(zhǎng)得漂亮，不應(yīng)該浪費(fèi)時(shí)間來(lái)等我。我們分手了，但這一次，是她提出分手。

我嘗試和別人約會(huì)，但總難有進(jìn)展。懸在我頭腦中的部署行動(dòng)如同一個(gè)斷頭臺(tái)，隨時(shí)準(zhǔn)備將我與我所知所愛(ài)的一切一刀兩斷。我的周末都花在跟不同的女孩上餐館、看電影上面，這些女孩子都是我在網(wǎng)上認(rèn)識(shí)的、在酒吧結(jié)識(shí)的以及朋友介紹的。我們之間會(huì)略談到我們的生活，過(guò)往和現(xiàn)在，但當(dāng)談到未來(lái)，情況就會(huì)急轉(zhuǎn)直下。

No one wanted to start a relationship under those circumstances， and I wasnt one for 7）flings. After being turned down so many times， I stopped trying.

A month before I left， I decided to send Kathryn an e-mail to see if she wanted to get together for coffee or dinner. After not getting a response for a couple of days， I sent another e-mail asking if she got the first one.

The next day she wrote： “Yes， I got your e-mails， but I honestly dont have anything to say. I dont really see a reason to meet up or talk. Im sorry. Ill always wish you the best of luck though.”

I went to New York City and walked around， hoping to randomly run into her. As my feet hit the sidewalk， I felt like an old rusty anchor dragging along the bottom of a rocky seabed， never catching on anything， never getting a hold of anyone. Strangers streamed past me like rushing water.

The time came for me to leave， and I left. When I got to 8）mobilization training， I figured something out. I realized that everyone belongs somewhere. Beautiful young girls who love fashion belong in New York City， at parties and bars， having fun and meeting boys. 9）Headstrong young men who become soldiers belong on the other side of the planet， at war， shooting and being shot at. We were both where we belonged.

Over here in Afghanistan Im doing one of the hardest things a person can do， and I might not make it home alive. I dont know if Im fighting for freedom， or democracy， or against terrorism. All I know is， I need to get Kathryn back into my life.

But I also know I wont， and thats just the way it is.

沒(méi)人希望在這種情況下開(kāi)始一段戀情，而我也不是愛(ài)短暫風(fēng)流韻事的人。被多次拒絕后，我不再嘗試。

在我離開(kāi)前的一個(gè)月，我決定發(fā)一封郵件給凱瑟琳，問(wèn)她是否愿意一起喝咖啡或者吃晚飯。好幾天都沒(méi)有收到她的回復(fù)后，我又發(fā)了一封郵件問(wèn)她有沒(méi)有收到之前發(fā)給她的那封。

第二天，她寫(xiě)道：“對(duì)，你的郵件我都收到了，但坦白說(shuō)，我無(wú)話可說(shuō)。我們找不到一個(gè)要見(jiàn)面或者聊天的理由。對(duì)不起。不過(guò)，我會(huì)一直祝你好運(yùn)?！?/p>

我跑到紐約市去，在街頭閑逛，希望可以意外地碰到她。但當(dāng)我的雙腳落在人行道上，我就覺(jué)得自己如同一個(gè)生銹的舊船錨，沿著一片巖石滿布的海床的底部拖拽而行，捕不到任何東西，也捉不住任何人。陌生人就如流水般從我身邊奔流而過(guò)。

動(dòng)身的日子到了，我就走了。當(dāng)我開(kāi)始做動(dòng)員訓(xùn)練的時(shí)候，我明白到了一些事情。我明白到每個(gè)人都屬于某個(gè)地方。美麗年輕、熱愛(ài)時(shí)尚的女孩子屬于紐約城，屬于派對(duì)和酒吧，盡情玩樂(lè)，結(jié)識(shí)帥哥。當(dāng)兵的年輕固執(zhí)的男子屬于地球的另一邊，屬于戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)，開(kāi)槍射擊和被瞄準(zhǔn)射擊。我們都在自己所屬的地方。

如今在阿富汗，我做著其中一件平常人最難做的事，我可能不能保命回家。我不清楚自己是為自由、民主還是為反恐而戰(zhàn)。我只知道，我需要把凱瑟琳拉回到我的生命中。

但我也知道我不會(huì)成功，世事就是如此。