by E. ONeill

Last August when I went to 2）Upstate New York to see my mother， I believed it would be the last time she would recognize me. I hadnt seen her since February of 2010， when the man I had known as “3）Dad” my entire life passed. Moms disease had noticeably progressed in the two and a half years since I had seen her.

While I had been phoning several times a week， being present to witness the progression of Alzheimers is painful. She had her husband of almost two decades， Pete， to tend to her. They lived alone and had a very active life. I secretly questioned where he found the patience to handle the 4）repetitiveness， coupled with what appeared to be permanent exhaustion， as she required extensive napping. That was none of my business as I respected their union and privacy.

2010年2月，那個(gè)我人生中所知的“父親”去世了，那時(shí)候我見過母親。去年8月我再去紐約上州探望母親，我覺得那應(yīng)當(dāng)是她最后一次認(rèn)出我了。兩年半的時(shí)間沒見面，母親的病情明顯惡化了。

雖然平時(shí)我會每周撥上幾通電話，但這次親眼見證阿爾茨海默癥的惡化是痛苦的。她的丈夫皮特，照料了她近二十年。他們就兩個(gè)人過著充實(shí)的日子。母親總是一副疲態(tài)，老得小睡片刻，我還曾經(jīng)悄悄問過皮特，他哪來的耐性應(yīng)對這種刻板的生活節(jié)奏。當(dāng)然，這些都于我無關(guān)，我尊重他們的結(jié)合與隱私。

He was a good man， highly capable and I was grateful he was such a good husband to my mother. He still found time to golf and be with his friends， dropping her for a few hours at an Adult Care Center. I hadnt planned on visiting my hometown again. I had put my 5）dysfunctional past behind me， and had written a book， Ellen Who？ Story of a Secret 6）Love Child， about it to help others who had experienced a similarly bizarre history. I had no desire or plans to ever return to my hometown. Those chapters of my life were behind me， or so I thought.

I had sent Pete a plant for his birthday， which was just after Thanksgiving， and found it odd I hadnt heard from him by the end of the day. When I called their home， his sister Kathy， who lived in Michigan， answered. Pete had fallen that morning and broken his hip. She had jumped in her car immediately to make the seven-hour trip to assist. Petes daughter lived one hour east， and both my brother and sister lived right there in town. Apparently， no one was stepping up. I spoke to my mother， who sounded 7）rattled and confused. I hung up and booked my flight.

I arrived a few days later， relieving Kathy to return home. I was stunned at what I saw in my mother. She was confused and unable to cope with direction. I reached out to an Alzheimers hotline that informed me it was common for the rapid progression of the disease when there was a big change， especially if the primary caregiver is no longer present. She was incapable of completing any task on her own. Mid-course she would need to be reminded repeatedly. If I left her for five minutes in her room， she would put her pajamas back on and get into bed. It took two hours to get her up and out of the house. I had raised two children alone since they were toddlers， and that was a walk in the park compared to this. Pete was due to move from the hospital that performed his hip surgery to the 8）rehabilitation center nearby， and I wanted to get her to see him daily. She seemed to be better after seeing him， and resisted when it was time to leave him. He instructed her to follow my directions， which helped in the moment. I took her out to dinner and that proved to be a disaster. It was challenging to get her out of the restaurant. We were barely back at their place when she began the stream of questioning，“Wheres Pete？” I was not prepared for what was referred to as Sundowners Syndrome， which brought out anger and 9）aggression. My mother began to yell at me， accusing me of trying to separate her from her husband. Shed refuse any direction， and scream at me exactly the way she had while I was growing up. I was beside myself. Once I got her to bed for the night， I was able to reach my friend Dorothy in Los Angeles， from my support group. Dorothy had seen and heard everything over her lifetime. She immediately got me on track and after praying that night， the morning brought what must have been a miracle. I was racing against time to get myself ready for the day， the same way I did when my children were little so that Id be ready to be the caregiver.

他是個(gè)好男人，相當(dāng)能干，我也感激他于我母親而言是如此好的丈夫。他將母親寄放在成人護(hù)理中心幾小時(shí)，便仍能尋得時(shí)間與朋友一起打打高爾夫球。我從未打算再回故鄉(xiāng)看看。我以自身不尋常的過往為背景，寫了本書《埃倫·某某？一個(gè)秘密私生子的故事》，以此來幫助那些擁有類似離奇軌跡的人們。我從未有過欲望或者念想回去我的故鄉(xiāng)。我人生的那段經(jīng)歷已成過去了，我以為。

我給皮特郵寄了一株植物作為生日賀禮，那時(shí)感恩節(jié)剛剛過去，奇怪的是直到他生日當(dāng)天結(jié)束我都沒有得到他任何回音。當(dāng)我打電話到他們家里的時(shí)候，他住在密歇根的姐姐凱西接了電話。皮特那天早上跌倒了還摔壞了髖骨。她立馬駕車七個(gè)小時(shí)趕去幫忙。皮特的女兒住在距離一小時(shí)車程的東部，而我的哥哥和妹妹就住在那個(gè)鎮(zhèn)上。很明顯，沒人愿意理會。我跟母親說了幾句，覺得她有點(diǎn)驚恐迷糊。掛上電話，我便訂了航班飛了過去。

幾天后我到了父母家，便讓凱西回家休息去了?？吹侥赣H當(dāng)時(shí)的狀態(tài)，我很震驚。她很糊涂，還不能辨別方向。我撥通了阿爾茨海默癥咨詢熱線，得知當(dāng)巨變發(fā)生時(shí)病情急速惡化是很正常的，尤其是當(dāng)主要的看護(hù)人不再出現(xiàn)時(shí)。她不能獨(dú)自完成任何一項(xiàng)活動。到了中期，母親需要旁人反復(fù)提醒。如果我把她留在自己的房間五分鐘，她可能會又再穿上自己的睡衣上床睡覺。那就得花上兩個(gè)小時(shí)的時(shí)間扶她下床再帶她走出家門。我曾獨(dú)自帶大過兩個(gè)蹣跚學(xué)步的孩子，與照料母親相比那已經(jīng)算是在公園散步了。皮特離開接受髖骨手術(shù)的醫(yī)院移至附近的復(fù)健中心后，我想每天帶母親去看他。當(dāng)她看到皮特后就看起來好多了，要離開皮特時(shí)總是萬般不愿。皮特會叫她聽從我的話，在當(dāng)時(shí)那一會兒是有用的。我?guī)鋈コ酝聿?，事?shí)證明那是場災(zāi)難。把她帶離餐廳是件極具挑戰(zhàn)的事。都還沒踏入家門，母親就開始那如泉涌般的詢問：“皮特在哪兒？”對于她帶怨怒攻擊行為的“日沒綜合癥”，我毫無防備。我母親開始對著我吼叫，指責(zé)我試圖讓她與丈夫分開。她不聽從我的任何指示，并以我年幼時(shí)她慣用的方式對著我大喊大叫。我自己也狂躁不已。晚上哄母親睡著了，我才有機(jī)會去見見在洛杉磯后援團(tuán)的朋友——桃樂斯。桃樂斯的一生見聞了許多事情。她立馬幫助我走上了正軌且在那晚祈禱過后，隔天清晨便迎來算得上奇跡的東西。我爭分奪秒地為一天做好準(zhǔn)備，正如我的孩子年幼時(shí)那樣，我得準(zhǔn)備好成為看護(hù)人。

Her face was all bright-eyed as she exclaimed，“I am so happy you decided to pay a visit！” Her demeanor was loving and kind. From that moment on， I saw this woman before me as a vulnerable person who needed me. She needed reassurance， love and consistency during this time while her world was being turned upside down. I could do this， and I would. I would love her in the way she was incapable of loving me all those years back. I saw an innocence in her eyes that was 10）void of the lies that our relationship was based upon. Id love her unconditionally， and be the daughter she deserved. We visited Pete daily， and decorated their place during the holidays in preparation for his return home. 11）Physical therapy came in， as did his friends. They spent time with Mom as I researched assisted living homes. I worked with Pete to make the right decision， and moved them 12）seamlessly into their new place within a matter of days. I made sure to have the new living room painted the same color yellow as the one they were leaving. It worked， and Mom adjusted 13）instantly to their new home.

Pete was 14）embarrassed he hadnt taken this step sooner. He was a strong， proud， independent man， and I was honored he entrusted me to manage everything for him. Both of my children flew in without hesitation for Christmas， and saw the deep love that had grown between mother and me. I smiled when I entered the new apartment where I had carefully hung every picture. I visited daily， just to hear my mother say， “What do you think of our new place， isnt it lovely？”， as if I was there for the first time. Every day was a 15）rerun in Moms world， and she was free of worry or concern.

I returned to California filled with what I wasnt aware was missing. A deeper healing had taken place within me through this opportunity to be of service to my mother and Pete that gave me great relief and comfort. After my favorite holiday had passed me by， forgiveness was the gift that ultimately came to me this past Christmas.

母親驚呼“你來看我，我太高興了！”，她說著，簡直兩眼放光，一舉一動充滿和善愛意。從那一刻起，我將自己眼前的這個(gè)女人視為一個(gè)需要我的脆弱的人。在她的世界正一片混亂的此時(shí)，她需要安全感、愛和穩(wěn)定。我能做到，并且我也愿意這么做。這些年以來縱使她不能愛我，我也愿意愛她。我在她眼中看到天真無邪，因此我們的關(guān)系便建立在沒有一絲謊言的真誠的基礎(chǔ)上。我將會無條件地愛她，做一個(gè)她理應(yīng)擁有的女兒。我們每天都會去探望皮特，并在休息日里為了他的歸來裝修他們的住所，以做好準(zhǔn)備。皮特去做物理治療，他的朋友們也過來了。在我研究如何改裝房子配合居家康復(fù)時(shí)，他們便替我照看母親。我會同皮特一起作出正確的決定，就在大約幾天的時(shí)間里，他們就遷入了新住所。我確保將新客廳漆成了和他們之前客廳相同的黃色。這很奏效，母親當(dāng)下就適應(yīng)他們的新家了。

皮特很窘自己沒有早點(diǎn)兒這么做。他是一個(gè)強(qiáng)壯、驕傲、獨(dú)立的男人，我很榮幸被他委托去為他處理所有的事。我的兩個(gè)孩子毫不猶豫地飛來過圣誕節(jié)，并看到了我與母親之間深深的愛。當(dāng)我步入我小心翼翼地掛上每一張照片的新公寓時(shí)，我笑了。我每天都去拜訪，就為了聽到母親說：“你覺得我們的新家怎么樣？可愛吧？”，就好像是我第一次造訪那里一樣。每一天在母親的世界里都是一次重映，她遠(yuǎn)離了煩惱和擔(dān)心。

回到加州，我內(nèi)心那曾不以為然的空虛被填滿了，通過為母親和皮特效勞的機(jī)會，我心中的傷痛被更好地治愈了，那機(jī)會給了我極大的放松和寬慰。在我衷愛的假期結(jié)束之后，在去年的圣誕節(jié)，寬容是最后來到我身邊的禮物。