李奕群

【問題導讀】

學生在進行讀后續(xù)寫的過程中，勢必會進行動作的描寫。縱觀學生習作，筆者發(fā)現(xiàn)學生在進行動作描寫時經(jīng)常會出現(xiàn)以下幾個問題：1. 動詞使用籠統(tǒng)，缺乏動作連貫。2. 使用單個動態(tài)動作或靜態(tài)動作。3. 描述漫無目的，失去描寫功能。

新課標對學生的語言技能中的表達性技能提出了要求，而高考的讀后續(xù)寫題恰恰需要學生展現(xiàn)描述能力。在讀后續(xù)寫中，使得人物“動”起來的一個重要方面就是動作鏈的細節(jié)描寫。

【名師導學】

動作描寫是情節(jié)推進的重要工具，好比故事的“跳動的心臟”。將一個動作分解成一步步的過程，就形成了連貫的“慢鏡頭描寫”，這就是動作鏈。動作鏈有以下功能：1. 調(diào)整節(jié)奏，烘托氛圍。2. 凸顯焦點，襯托性格。動作鏈常用的有兩種形式：1. 動作一， 動作二 and 動作三。例如：“Then she straightened up the kitchen， lit the lamp andmended the fire.”。2. 動作一， 動作二， and/then 動作三， 分詞。例如：“The womandropped the clothes， looked at Mr Morel， then went on with her work， saying nothing.”。

【案例導引】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個完整的故事。

The other shoe

Shoes are made for walking.

But Aamir， a homeless Indian boy， doubted it. Wandering at the noisy railway plat?form， he found one of his flip?flops （人字拖鞋） broken again. He hurried to a corner， satdown and tried to fix it， his bare foot pressing awkwardly against the ground. How?ever， it was beyond repair.

He gave up and looked around aimlessly， staring at peoples shoes. Suddenly， hiseyes were drawn to two boyish legs wearing flawlessly white socks and equally perfectblack leather shoes， which were glittering in the mid?day sun. It was a boy of his age. Hecouldnt treasure his possession too much， obviously， because every ten seconds， hestopped， bent down and carefully wiped a dust or two from his shoes. His father wasconstantly glancing over and urging him，“ Hurry up！ The train is coming！”

Aamirs eyes followed the father and son， but mostly the leather shoes， as if enchanted（被施了魔法的）. Imagining himself wearing them， the comfort from the good leather，jaw?dropping look on his friends faces， he couldnt help cracking a big smile.

The bell of the train drew him back. The fancy?shoe boy and his father were about toget aboard. They tried to crowd into the doorway. However， the instant the boy entered thecompartment （車廂）， one of his shoes fell off and before he could pick it up， the train beganto pull away.

The shoe was now lying alone on the platform. Aamirs eyes lit up with excitement.Like an arrow， he shot for the shoe and then picked it up， holding it with both handsas if holding the Queens crown. After a few seconds of hesitating and looking fromthe shoe to the train and back， he began racing—with only one good shoe， hisflip?flop.

He held the leather shoe up， trying to pass it to the boy through the window， who wasdesperately reaching out his hand as well. However， it was never close enough.

注意：續(xù)寫詞數(shù)應為150左右

Paragraph 1：

That left Aamir no choice but to throw the shoe onto the train.

Paragraph 2：

But when he raised his head， Aamir saw the other shoe thrown out of the window.

一、故事梳理

這篇文章是以第三人稱的視角講述Aamir ——一個無家可歸的印度男孩與一雙精美鞋子的故事。這個故事開篇以“Shoes are made for walking.”引發(fā)我們的思考。文章以鞋子這個意向貫穿全文，表達的是一種人文關(guān)懷：一只鞋再精美也沒法走路，還不如把另外一只鞋也留下送給有需要的人。我們可以用“5W原則”來分析文章結(jié)構(gòu)和內(nèi)容：

二、語言分析

通過觀察我們發(fā)現(xiàn)原文使用了大量動作鏈的描寫，這些動作鏈的描寫讓動作細節(jié)更加具體、生動。比如：

1. He hurried to a corner， sat down and tried to fix it， his bare foot pressing awkwardlyagainst the ground（. Para. 2）

他急忙走到一個角落里，坐下來，試圖修好它，他光著的那只腳笨拙地踩在地上。

2. He gave up and looked around aimlessly， staring at peoples shoes（. Para. 3）

他放棄了，漫無目的地環(huán)顧四周，盯著人們的鞋子。

3. He couldnt treasure his possession too much， obviously， because every ten sec?onds， he stopped， bent down and carefully wiped a dust or two from his shoes（. Para. 3）

顯然，他很珍惜自己的東西，因為每隔十秒鐘，他就會停下來，彎下腰，小心仔細地擦掉鞋子上的一兩粒灰塵。

4. Like an arrow， he shot for the shoe and then picked it up， holding it with both handsas if holding the Queens crown（. Para. 6）

他像箭一樣沖向鞋子，然后把它撿起來，雙手捧著它，好像捧著女王的王冠。

5. After a few seconds of hesitating and looking from the shoe to the train and back， hebegan racing—with only one good shoe， his flip?flop（. Para. 6）

經(jīng)過幾秒鐘的猶豫，他看看鞋子又看看火車，再回頭看，然后他開始奔跑——穿著他的那只尚未損壞的人字拖鞋。

三、常用招式

動作鏈的實現(xiàn)途徑可分為以下幾種：

1. 庖丁解牛，按時間順序分解大動作。

場景：Max和Charley終于追趕上了冰激凌車。

動作描寫手段：“追趕上”這個大動作按時間順序分解為“擺動雙臂+拖著身軀+看到車子”。

動作鏈句型：Max and Charley flailed their arms， dragged their feet towards the nextstop， and finally spotted the ice cream truck again.

2. 動靜結(jié)合，按中心動作創(chuàng)建動作面。

場景：Max和Charley終于追趕上了冰激凌車。

動作描寫手段：肢體—頭部/面部

動作鏈句型：Flailing their arms/Clutching their fists into white knots/Teeth clenched，Max and Charley strode forward and finally caught sight of the ice cream truck.

3. 和情感、環(huán)境、心理、語言等結(jié)合，形成動作面。

場景：Max和Charley 終于追趕上了冰激凌車。

動作描寫手段：添加心理活動描寫

動作鏈句型：Burning with excitement， Max and Charley kept running for a long timeand finally saw the ice cream truck again.

參考范文

（加黑部分使用了動作鏈。）

Paragraph 1：

That left Aamir no choice but to throw the shoe onto the train. With his eyes fixed onthe window， Aamir put all his strength in his right hand and made a powerfulthrow. However， he abruptly fell off because of the broken flip?flop. Without a secondthought， he tried again， but the shoe just flew past the window frame and fell on the plat?form like a dead leaf. Seeing this， Aamir stamped his feet， wearing a frustrated look.“Are shoes really made for walking？” Aamir thought with depression. He dropped hishead with eyes staring at the ground， not knowing what to do next.

Paragraph 2：

But when he raised his head， Aamir saw the other shoe thrown out of the window.Miraculously， it landed on the platform several steps away from him. Before he could lookup again and seek out the fancy?shoe boy， the train sped on， vanishing in the distance.What remained in sight was the meandering rail track and the rolling mountains faraway. Twenty years later， when he was launching his new footwear product at apress conference， wearing a pair of shining leather shoes， Aamir started his presentationwith a simple sentence，“ Shoes are made for walking.”

【模擬導練】

閱讀下面短文，根據(jù)所給情節(jié)進行續(xù)寫，使之構(gòu)成一個完整的故事。

The spot of red was what first caught Randy Heisss attention on December 16， 2018.He was hiking the remote land behind his farm in a small town near the US?Mexico border，and there was a balloon lying on the grass. He walked towards it with his dog， thinking heshould pick it up and throw it away.

Thats when he noticed the balloons string was attached to a piece of paper.“Dayami，” it read on one side， in a childs writing. Heiss flipped the paper over. On theback， he saw a numbered list， all in Spanish. His Spanish wasnt very good， but he couldsee it was a gift list before New Year！

Heiss was charmed. He suspected that a child had tried to send a wish list by balloon，something he used to do himself when he was a kid. Nobody had ever returned the lettersHeiss had sent， but he wondered whether he could find the child who had sent this one.

It would be difficult， but Heiss had a few clues. About 20 miles to the southwest， justacross the border， was the city of Nogales， Mexico， with a population of about a quarter mil?lion. Based on the wind direction， he was almost sure that was where it came from. Heissbrought the note home to his wife， who is fluent in Spanish and helped him translate thelist. They determined that Dayami， probably a girl， had asked for a doll， a dollhouse， dollclothes and art supplies.

Heiss then posted his search about finding Dayami on the Internet， attaching photos，hoping some of his friends in Nogales might know the girls family. A few days passed withno results. Heiss worried that time was running out before New Year. On December 19，2018， he decided to send a private message to Radio Xeny， an AM radio station based inNogales. To his surprise， someone from the station called him back right away andpromised him to post his search on the stations website page immediately.

注意：續(xù)寫詞數(shù)應為150左右。

Paragraph 1：

The next morning， Heiss awoke to a message from Radio Xeny.

Paragraph 2：

Dayamis eyes were wide open with wonder

【評價導思】

1. 我的續(xù)寫文章在語言風格上與原文是否協(xié)同一致？

2. 在進行動作描寫時，我使用了哪些句式結(jié)構(gòu)？

3. 為了更好地刻畫動作細節(jié)，哪些地方適合修改成動作鏈？