阿米爾·薩利姆

Its a long endless road. I dont know where is it taking me but I am running along with it. I am not running because I want to but because I have to. Its been a long run and I am worn out， still I have to run.

This is New York. The city of high-rises， proud and loud， big and brash. I arrived here a few days ago， as an illegal immigrant. There was no legal way out， I am sorry for that. I desperately wanted to come here; I wanted my dreams to come true. I brought my dreams with me into another dream… New York. It was my dream.

After arriving here I had nowhere to go. I looked around in complete bemusement and concluded that I was a misfit here. But soon this notion died away as I looked up in the sky. The clouds… yes. The clouds， they were the same as I left them in my country. They are same everywhere. Thats why I was no foreigner to them， they were my clouds.

So it was no problem now， wherever the clouds were， the place was mine. I started wandering in the streets. While roving around， somewhere in the middle of the Big Apple， in abandoned streets， I could see the flipside of the dazzling picture of the metropolis. It was all dark; it was all full of drug-addicts and unofficially declared insignificant old people waiting for no one but the angel of bereavement.

I didnt dream my dream to be like this so I left the place. I went to Downtown and that was the first mistake I made. I was too busy flying in Manhattan with my delusions that I forgot Interpol. They were after me ever since I landed here; after all I was a prohibited migrant.

For a split second I thought I should let them know why I had to come here， so that they would let me subsist here. I wanted to tell them that I am here just to make some money， the legal way. I wanted to earn a lot of money and then I would go back to my roots. Ill go back to where money matters. Where men matter only when theyve got money. If I get the money， Ill matter too. But of course they wouldnt pay attention. Why should they let me take their riches？ Its their country.

I was walking offhandedly in a busy street when I felt someone staring at me. I looked at him and he started looking somewhere else. Interpol. I slipped into the crowd and vanished. That was the second mistake I made. I made them suspicious of me. But I was frightened; I didnt know what to do. For next two days I went on hiding. And then I made the final mistake. I met a fellow countryman of mine rather he met me. He told me he could get me a job. I was running low on cash so I quickly said yes… and then slowly said no. He wanted me to deal in drugs. I couldnt do that. I wanted to earn money the legal way. I told him and said no. He vanished.

When I turned around， I saw the same Interpol man looking at me， standing in the corner of the street. Before I could take my first step， he disappeared behind the wall and then I didnt take my first step. I just stood there. It wasnt good. They must have thought I have joined them. But they dont know it. They must be thinking I am one of them， they are thinking wrong. Thats what happened to me all my life and now they. I must tell them I am not what they think I am.

“You there， come out and talk to me， God damn you， I am standing here. You wanna know who I am， all right you come here and I tell you who I am. Come out if you have the heart to listen， Ill tell you how it feels to say no to money. You cowards， what you know how it feels to say no to your dreams. You dont have a dream， you lifeless creatures. And if you dont have one， then why you take them away from others. Tell me， I am standing here， you rats…”

There was no one listening.

Night has fallen. It never gets dark in night in New York. There are lights everywhere. I am standing in the middle of a bridge， looking at the skyscrapers. Looking at those tall structures seems like millions of fireflies are stuck into those buildings. They are all illuminated and so is the river water. There are dark clouds in the sky and it may rain any time. Its all so beautiful， so peaceful， and so dreamy. We are all together， my clouds， my dreams and I. Life looks perfect. But not seeing a problem doesnt mean not having a problem.

On my left， on the corner of the bridge， there is someone to shatter my dreams. He is the same one and this time he is not alone. He knew it was not that easy to snatch away my dreams alone. They are coming to me， but this time I am not willing to talk. They want to send me back. I dont want to go back without money， I want to matter.

So I run. I run to the other corner of the bridge. They run after me. I dont look back at them and keep on running. Its a God damned long bridge. So many times I watched in movies， policemen chasing the hero and the hero jumps over the bridge and escapes. But this is not a movie and even if it were… I am not a hero. So I keep on running. I cross the bridge and run along the road. I keep on running and they keep on chasing me. I turned into so many streets， tried to dodge them but they were quick. They have been following me for quite some time now.

It has started raining. I have no problem running in rain. I have done that before， dont you remember. That time I was running for her love and this time I am running for my life.

May be thats why I dont want to run any more， I am running for myself. It makes no difference to no one if I dont run but just me. All right then， I am going to stop. Ill talk to them. I slow down. They turn into this street. I am about to stop when I hear a gun shot. It would have been nothing if I hadnt fallen down. They have shot me in my leg. I turn around and try to get up. They shoot again， this time on my chest near the heart. I fall down again.

It is dark in New York. I cant see the clouds in the dark but I know they are up there looking at me. It seems they are shedding their tears on my pain. They dont have to cry for me. But I think they care about me， after all they are my clouds. Due to pain， tears come out of my eyes and so my dreams. They were since long in my heart. My heart kept them with love but it cant hold them any more because it is too hurt now. My heart cared about everyone， it just couldnt take care of itself.

I am feeling like a total loser. I have nothing left with me but pain. I am leaving the clouds and all my dreams here. Before closing my eyes forever， I look down to my heart， its my dreams; I look up in the sky， its my clouds; and then I look around… its your world.

這是一條漫漫長路。我不知道它會(huì)將我引向何處，只是沿著它一直奔跑。我奔跑，不是因?yàn)橄胍@樣，而是不得不跑。我已經(jīng)跑了很久，跑得筋疲力盡，可我還得拼命奔跑。

這里是紐約，一座高樓林立、妄自尊大、繁雜喧鬧、傲慢無禮的大都市。幾天前，我，一個(gè)非法移民，來到了這里。沒有經(jīng)由合法渠道，對此我很抱歉。我想實(shí)現(xiàn)我的夢想，所以不顧一切來到這里。我?guī)е业膲粝胱哌M(jìn)了另一個(gè)夢……紐約。這是我曾經(jīng)的夢想之地。

到了這里，我無處安身。環(huán)顧四周，我茫然一片，并得出一個(gè)結(jié)論：這里的一切與我格格不入。然而，當(dāng)我抬頭仰望天空，這一念頭很快就消失了。噢，云彩……是的，那天上的云彩和我離開家鄉(xiāng)時(shí)并沒有什么兩樣。無論走到哪里，都是同一片云天。對于它們，我并不陌生，它們是我的云彩。

想到這兒，我的心一下子釋然了。有云彩的地方，就是我的世界。我開始在街頭閑逛。在這座“大蘋果城”市中心某處荒廢的街道上游蕩時(shí)，我能看到這令人眼花繚亂的大都會(huì)的另一面。那里一片漆黑，到處都是吸毒者，還有多數(shù)人心中都覺得無足輕重的老人們——等待他們的只有死神。

我沒想到我的夢想之地是這番光景，于是我離開了此地。我來到繁華的鬧市區(qū)，這是我犯下的第一個(gè)錯(cuò)誤。我?guī)е孟朐诼D區(qū)疲于奔波，卻忘記了國際刑警。自從我踏上這片土地，他們就盯上了我。畢竟，我是一個(gè)非法移民。

有那么一瞬間，我想我應(yīng)該讓他們知道我為什么一定要來這里，這樣他們才會(huì)讓我在這里待下去。我要告訴他們，我在這兒只是想掙些錢，合法地掙錢。我想掙很多很多錢，之后就回我的祖國。我會(huì)回到那個(gè)金錢萬能的地方。在那里，有了錢才會(huì)出人頭地。如果我有了錢，我也會(huì)出人頭地。不過，他們當(dāng)然不會(huì)管這些。他們憑什么讓我拿走他們的財(cái)富呢？這里是他們的國度。

我在一條熙熙攘攘的大街上漫無目的地走著，突然感覺有人在盯著我。我看他時(shí)，他把目光轉(zhuǎn)向別的地方。噢，國際刑警！我溜進(jìn)了人群，從他的視野里消失了。這是我犯下的第二個(gè)錯(cuò)誤。我讓他們懷疑上我了?？晌矣悬c(diǎn)兒害怕，不知道如何是好。隨后兩天，我一直東躲西藏。后來，我犯下了最后一個(gè)錯(cuò)誤。我碰到了一個(gè)同胞，確切地說，是他碰到了我。他告訴我，他可以給我找份工作。此時(shí)我身上的錢已所剩無幾，所以立刻就答應(yīng)了……但隨后又婉轉(zhuǎn)地回絕了。他要我從事毒品交易。我可不能干這個(gè)，我想通過合法的方式去掙錢。我拒絕了他，他轉(zhuǎn)眼就消失了。

我轉(zhuǎn)過身，發(fā)現(xiàn)一直跟蹤我的那位國際刑警站在街角看著我。我還沒來得及邁出第一步，他就躲到墻后不見了，于是我也沒有邁步，只是呆呆地站在那兒。這下可不妙了！他們肯定以為我已經(jīng)參與了毒品交易?？伤麄儾涣私鈱?shí)情。他們肯定以為我是犯罪團(tuán)伙中的一員，他們想錯(cuò)了。我這一輩子總是遭人誤解，你瞧，又來了。我必須告訴他們，我不是他們想象的那種人。

“嗨，你！出來跟我談?wù)劇Ｔ撍赖?，我就站在這兒。你想知道我是誰嗎？好吧，你過來，我會(huì)告訴你我是誰。如果你有心要聽，你就出來，我會(huì)告訴你對金錢說‘不的滋味。你這個(gè)膽小鬼，你知道對夢想說‘不是什么感覺嗎？哦，你根本就沒有夢想，你就是行尸走肉。即便你沒有夢想，又何必要奪走別人的夢想呢。告訴我，我就站在這里，你這個(gè)卑鄙小人……”

然而，沒有人在聽。

夜幕降臨，可紐約是一個(gè)不夜城。這里到處燈火輝煌。我站在橋的中央，望著一幢幢摩天大樓。那些高高的建筑看上去宛如有數(shù)不清的螢火蟲落在上面。它們都閃閃發(fā)亮，河水也被映照得泛著光。天空中出現(xiàn)烏云，隨時(shí)都可能下雨。一切都是那么美麗、安詳，那么令人遐想。我的云彩、我的夢想和我相聚在一起。生活看來是完美的?？墒牵床坏絾栴}并不意味著沒有問題。

在我的左邊，大橋的一角，有人想要粉碎我的夢想。還是那位國際刑警，只是他不再是獨(dú)自一人。他知道，光憑他一人無法趕走我的夢想。他們朝我走來，但這一次我不愿意跟他們談了。他們想把我遣送回國。我不想兩手空空地回去。我想出人頭地。

所以我跑了。我跑向橋的另一角，他們在后面追我。我頭也不回地一個(gè)勁兒往前跑。該死的長橋。我在電影里看過無數(shù)次警察追逐男主角的情節(jié)：男主角縱身跳下橋，最終逃脫?？蛇@不是電影，即使是……我也不是男主角。所以，我不停地奔跑。我穿過大橋，順著道路跑。我不停地跑，他們不停地追。我在大街小巷里穿行，試圖甩掉他們，可他們快步如飛。他們跟蹤我已經(jīng)有一段時(shí)間了。

天上開始下起雨來。在雨中奔跑，我可是不在話下。記得嗎，我曾在雨中奔跑過。只是那一次我是為了贏得她的愛，這一次我卻是為了逃命。

也許，這就是我不想再跑下去的原因，我是在為自己而跑。如果我不跑，除了我，對其他任何人都沒有影響。那好吧，我就停下來吧。我會(huì)跟他們談?wù)?。我放慢了腳步。他們拐進(jìn)了這條街。我正要停下腳步，就聽見一聲槍響。要不是我倒下了，不會(huì)有什么事。他們射中了我的腿。我轉(zhuǎn)身想要站起來。他們又開了一槍，這次射入了胸膛，差點(diǎn)兒擊中我的心臟。我又一次倒下了。

紐約暗了下來。我看不到黑夜里的云彩，可我知道它們在天上看著我。它們似乎在為我的痛苦而流淚。其實(shí)，它們不必為我哭泣。但我想，它們是關(guān)心我的，畢竟它們是我的云彩。因?yàn)樘弁?，我的眼淚奪眶而出，我的夢想也隨之消失了。它們在我的心里存留了那么久，我的心曾經(jīng)用愛撫慰它們，可現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)無力將它們挽留，因?yàn)閭锰盍?。我的心關(guān)愛每一個(gè)人，就是沒能關(guān)愛自己。

我覺得自己是個(gè)徹頭徹尾的失敗者。如今，除了痛苦，我一無所有。我把云彩和所有的夢想留在了這里。在永遠(yuǎn)閉上眼睛之前，我低頭看了看我的心，那里有我的夢想;我再抬頭看了看天空，那里有我的云彩;然后，我又看了看四周……那是你們的世界。? ? ? □