Mari and Joel Barrera are your quintessential do-gooders. They both work in the public sector， volunteer at a soup kitchen and even picked their church because it was most committed to community service. They also say its a priority to raise their kids to be caring and contributing. Joel Barrera： Talk about your service project， Mila. Mila Barrera：Oh， so Im going to El Salvador this summer.

If she had to say whether her parents cared more about her being good or successful， 15-yearold Mila says itd be close， but shed say good. Her 13-year-old brother， James， doesnt hesitate. Jams Barrera： Successful.

How does he know？ Cause thats what his folks reward him for and nag him about most. Jams： Most of the pressure is on the school side.

For example， his parents let him quit the soup kitchen cause he didnt like it， but he gets no such pass on school work. Mila says she got dinner out when she got a B instead of a C， and grown-ups always light up when kids get into a great school instead of a good one.

Mila： Its like parents always say， like， it doesnt matter. But it does matter. And thats how you grow up—kind of like， oh， like， Harvard. And， like， I mean they want me to be successful.

Mila and James are typical of the more than 10，000 middle and high school students around the nation surveyed by a Harvard researcher. Eighty percent say their parents care more that theyre high achieving and happy than caring and good， even though for years parents have been telling researchers the opposite.

Harvard researcher Rick Weissbourd says parents dont realize how their everyday small acts speak louder than their words.

Rick Weissbourd： Its， you know， letting kids fudge about their community service in college applications， or its not requiring kids to reach out to a friendless kid on the playground. I dont think most parents are aware that these quiet day-to-day messages are， in many cases， drowning out other messages about caring and integrity and fairness.

Weissbourds study does not suggest any decline in kids morality. Indeed， Marvin Berkowitz， professor of character education at University of Missouri at St. Louis， doubts thats the case.

Marvin Berkowitz： There are quotes going back at least three or four thousand years in which adults lament that todays youth are the worst， morally， ever.

But still， Berkowitz says， it is troubling that for so many kids achievement trumps morality.

Berkowitz： Theres a great quote from Teddy Roosevelt in which he said “to educate a person in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.”

So-called character education is trendy in schools these days. Jesse Tang is principal of Central Queens Academy， a public middle school in New York focused on character and community， where students are recognized for things like kindness and teamwork—not just for straight As. But Tangs students who took part in the survey answered the same as the rest—that achievement is most important to their parents and their teachers.

Jesse Tang： It was eye-opening to see that achievement and kindness were so far apart. And so I think in terms of what our school is trying to do to buck certain mindsets or ways of thinking， certainly—we are kind of working against a lot of those influences.

Especially from colleges who may say they value community service. But， Tang says， kids know what really counts. Christoph Guttentag， dean of admissions at Duke University， says it only makes sense that academic institutions care most about grades. And anyway he says its hard to judge a kids kindness from an application. But， Guttentag says， colleges could do a little more to incentivize good character.

Christoph Guttentag： We have work to do in how we talk about what we value and making decisions consistent with what we say. It can have an impact on what students do but maybe not as much as we think.

Harvards Rick Weissbourd agrees. Ultimately it comes down to parents walking the walk and not just talking the talk. A hard thing to do， even for the most committed do-gooders like Mari and Joel Barrera.

Joel： Our main job as parents is to launch them into the world. And its very hard even to stay middle-class. You know， I just want her to be able to make her own way in the world.

The good news， Weissbourd says， is that teaching kids to be more mindful of others will also make them better collaborators at work. So besides being the right thing to do， he says， that might end up making kids more successful as well.

瑪麗和喬·巴雷拉是典型的行善者：他們都在公營(yíng)部門工作，到流動(dòng)廚房當(dāng)志愿者，甚至連選擇現(xiàn)在這家教堂也是因?yàn)樗铝τ谏鐓^(qū)服務(wù)。他們也說，教導(dǎo)自己的孩子關(guān)愛他人、貢獻(xiàn)社會(huì)是首要任務(wù)。

喬·巴雷拉：米拉，說說你的服務(wù)計(jì)劃。

米拉·巴雷拉：噢，今年夏天我會(huì)去薩爾瓦多（編者注：中美洲國(guó)家）。

如果一定要她說出父母更關(guān)心她成為一個(gè)好人還是當(dāng)個(gè)成功人士，15歲的米拉說很接近，但她會(huì)說是當(dāng)個(gè)好人。她13歲的弟弟詹姆斯則毫不猶豫地說——

詹姆斯·巴雷拉：當(dāng)個(gè)成功人士。

他是怎么知道的呢？因?yàn)樗母改釜?jiǎng)勵(lì)和敦促他最多的就是這個(gè)。

詹姆斯：大部分壓力和學(xué)習(xí)方面有關(guān)。

例如，他不喜歡流動(dòng)廚房，父母就允許他不去，但在學(xué)業(yè)方面就不可能有這種待遇了。米拉說她拿到B而不是C的時(shí)候，父母會(huì)帶她出去吃大餐；當(dāng)孩子們考進(jìn)一所優(yōu)秀的學(xué)校而不僅僅只是好學(xué)校時(shí)，大人們總是喜出望外。

米拉：就好像是，父母總說沒關(guān)系，但其實(shí)關(guān)系可大了。那就是你成長(zhǎng)的環(huán)境——有點(diǎn)像，噢，哈佛。我的意思是，他們希望我能出人頭地。

哈佛大學(xué)一名研究員針對(duì)全美一萬多所中學(xué)的學(xué)生做了一項(xiàng)調(diào)查，米拉和詹姆斯就是當(dāng)中的典型例子。80%的人說，相對(duì)有愛心和品行端正，父母更關(guān)心他們是否取得較高成就以及是否快樂——盡管多年來，父母對(duì)研究人員說的正好相反。

哈佛研究員里克·韋斯伯德說，父母沒有意識(shí)到自己每天的細(xì)小行為比話語(yǔ)更有分量。

里克·韋斯伯德：你知道，這些行為包括讓孩子敷衍應(yīng)付大學(xué)申請(qǐng)上寫的社區(qū)服務(wù)，或者不要求孩子對(duì)游樂場(chǎng)那個(gè)孤單的孩子伸出援助之手。我覺得，家長(zhǎng)沒有意識(shí)到每天這些無聲的信息，在很多情況下掩蓋了其他關(guān)于關(guān)愛、正直和公平的信息。

韋斯伯德的研究并沒有顯示孩子們的道德品行有所下降。確實(shí)，（美國(guó)）圣路易斯市密蘇里大學(xué)品德教育教授馬文·伯科威茨對(duì)此說法（孩子們的道德品行有所下降）表示懷疑。

馬文·伯科威茨：早在三四千年前就有人引述說，大人們哀嘆當(dāng)時(shí)年輕人的道德品行是有史以來最糟糕的。

然而，伯科威茨說，這么多孩子認(rèn)為成就勝過品德，確實(shí)令人擔(dān)憂。

伯科威茨：泰迪·羅斯福曾說過一句偉大的名言，他說“教育一個(gè)人的心智而不教好他的品德，將會(huì)為社會(huì)教出一個(gè)禍害”。

近來，所謂的性格教育在校園里很流行。杰西·唐是中央皇后區(qū)學(xué)校的校長(zhǎng)。這所位于紐約的公立中學(xué)側(cè)重性格和團(tuán)隊(duì)精神的培養(yǎng)，學(xué)生會(huì)因善心和團(tuán)隊(duì)合作——而不只是拿到全優(yōu)而受到表?yè)P(yáng)。但在唐的學(xué)生當(dāng)中，參加該項(xiàng)調(diào)查的學(xué)生給出的回答和其他人一樣——對(duì)于家長(zhǎng)和老師而言，成就才是最重要的。

杰西·唐：看到成就和善良差那么遠(yuǎn)，真是令人吃驚。所以我認(rèn)為，我們學(xué)?，F(xiàn)在正在做的，就是試圖扭轉(zhuǎn)某些思維模式或想法，當(dāng)然了，我們相當(dāng)于要和很多那方面的影響背道而行。

尤其是來自那些說他們重視社區(qū)服務(wù)的大學(xué)（的影響）。然而，唐說，孩子們知道什么才是真正重要的。杜克大學(xué)招生辦主任克里斯托夫·古騰塔說，學(xué)術(shù)機(jī)構(gòu)最關(guān)心成績(jī)?cè)俸侠聿贿^?？傊?，他說很難從申請(qǐng)表判斷學(xué)生的善良程度。然而，古騰塔說，大學(xué)可以多做點(diǎn)工作，激勵(lì)學(xué)生培養(yǎng)良好的性格。

克里斯托夫·古騰塔：在討論我們的價(jià)值理念以及做出與我們的想法一致的決策方面，我們還有工作要做。它可以對(duì)學(xué)生的行為有一定影響，但效果不一定如我們所愿。

哈佛的里克·韋斯伯德同意這個(gè)觀點(diǎn)。歸根到底，還是要家長(zhǎng)付諸行動(dòng)，而不能只說不干。即使對(duì)于像瑪麗和喬·巴雷拉這樣樂善好施的人，也不是易事。

喬：作為家長(zhǎng)，我們的主要工作就是為他們步入社會(huì)做好準(zhǔn)備。要他們保持中產(chǎn)階級(jí)的水平都很不容易了。你知道，我只是希望她能在社會(huì)立足。

韋斯伯德說，好消息是，教育孩子多關(guān)心別人也可以讓他們?cè)诠ぷ髦泻蛣e人合作得更好。所以，他說，關(guān)心別人除了是正確的事情，最終還可能讓孩子更加成功。