文/Nathan Harris 譯 /光煒 繪 /馬豆子

The Reds
就算長痘又何妨

文/Nathan Harris 譯 /光煒 繪 /馬豆子

At some point in the past year I developed a habit of avoiding mirrors. It was gradual①gradual 英 ［'ɡr?d???l］ 美 ［'ɡr?d?u?l］ adj. 逐漸的；平緩的and subconscious②subconscious英 ［s?b'k?n??s］ 美 ［，s?b'kɑn??s］ adj. 潛意識的；下意識的 n. 潛在意識；下意識心理活動， but eventually it rooted itself in my mind. Ultimately， I had an encounter with my reflection while washing my hands in a restaurant bath room. It became apparent then what had driven me away from looking at myself... I had The Reds.

Some might refer to The Reds as pimples③pimple 英 ［'p?mp（?）l］ 美 ［'p?mpl］ n. 疙瘩；［醫(yī)］ 丘疹；面皰or acne④acne英 ［'?kn?］ 美 ［'?kni］ n. ［皮膚］ 痤瘡，［皮膚］ 粉刺， but mine were not your everyone pimples； what I was dealing with here were erupting lumps⑤lump英 ［l?mp］ 美 ［l?mp］ n. 塊，塊狀；腫塊；瘤；很多；笨人vt. 混在一起；使成塊狀；忍耐；笨重地移動 vi. 結塊 adj. 成團的；總共的 adv. 很；非常of flesh.Flaming red， no less. While other kids were popping zits after a week， I was， nursing mine to"calm down a bit"， as my mother put it. The chance of them actually disappearing was almost laughable； my only hope was that they might just "take it down a notch⑥notch英 ［n?t?］ 美 ［nɑt?］ n. 刻痕，凹口；等級；峽谷 vt. 贏得；用刻痕計算；在……上刻凹痕" and level out to where my forehead skin usually rests.

Looking at myself in the restroom mirror only confirmed what I should have accepted long ago. My brothers had already taken up the duty of attacking me with comments such as" Ooh，I see Mt.Kilimanjaro is peaking mighty high up there on your forehead".How funny. Soon enough my forehead hosted what appeared to be the world's highest mountains：Everest，Kanchenjunga⑦Kanchenjunga英 ［，ka:nt??n'd?a:?ɡ?］ n. 干城章嘉峰（喜馬拉雅東山脈之一峰）， McKinly. Each had spot on my face to call its own， Somewhere deep down， I felt as if l had a vested interest in each and everyone of them. If I was going to endure comments about how I should wash my face and quit eating greasy⑧greasy英 ［'ɡri?s?； -z?］ 美 ［'ɡrisi］ adj. 油膩的；含脂肪多的；諂媚的foods（which， l might note， does not stop acne）， at least I could become a bit more intimate with the temporary guests on my forehead.

I found myself staring at each pimple in the morning， mentally recording its growth and even applauding⑨applaud 英 ［?'pl??d］ 美 ［?'pl?d］ vt. 贊同；稱贊；向……喝彩 vi. 喝彩；鼓掌歡迎its development. I applauded more， of course，if it decreased its size in some rare but laudable⑩laudable英 ［'l??d?b（?）l］ 美 ［'l?d?bl］ adj. 值得贊賞的act.Either way， friends and strangers were always willing to lend their tips and support. It was as if the citizens of my town had become overnight experts on dermatology??dermatology 英 ［，d??m?'t?l?d??］ 美 ［，d?m?'tɑl?d?i］ n. 皮膚醫(yī)學，［皮膚］ 皮膚病學?coy英 ［k??］ 美 ［k??］ adj. 靦腆的；忸怩作態(tài)的；怕羞的 vi. 忸怩作態(tài) vt. 愛撫?welt英 ［welt］ 美 ［w?lt］ n. 貼邊，［服裝］ 沿條；鞭痕；毆打 vt. 加沿條于……；使……留下鞭痕；對……進行毆打. They spoke in a coy??dermatology 英 ［，d??m?'t?l?d??］ 美 ［，d?m?'tɑl?d?i］ n. 皮膚醫(yī)學，［皮膚］ 皮膚病學?coy英 ［k??］ 美 ［k??］ adj. 靦腆的；忸怩作態(tài)的；怕羞的 vi. 忸怩作態(tài) vt. 愛撫?welt英 ［welt］ 美 ［w?lt］ n. 貼邊，［服裝］ 沿條；鞭痕；毆打 vt. 加沿條于……；使……留下鞭痕；對……進行毆打and indirect manner as if to avoid hurting feelings or sounding cruel："What do you know about witch hazel？ I hear it does wonders for skin. Not that I'm saying you should use it， just telling you what I heard."

What they didn't understand was that The Reds are like some sort of advanced tuberculosis，resistant to drugs， able to change and thrive in any environment. The Reds don't just react to skin. care products—They act. If I ever did find an effective face wash，I soon realized that focusing on my forehead only caused a new flare-up on my cheek. Focus on scraping the face wash on my cheek， and the corner of my lip would bulge with a red welt??dermatology 英 ［，d??m?'t?l?d??］ 美 ［，d?m?'tɑl?d?i］ n. 皮膚醫(yī)學，［皮膚］ 皮膚病學?coy英 ［k??］ 美 ［k??］ adj. 靦腆的；忸怩作態(tài)的；怕羞的 vi. 忸怩作態(tài) vt. 愛撫?welt英 ［welt］ 美 ［w?lt］ n. 貼邊，［服裝］ 沿條；鞭痕；毆打 vt. 加沿條于……；使……留下鞭痕；對……進行毆打， bigger than any l'd ever seen. When I thought I had my whole face covered， bumps formed beneath my eyebrows. The Reds were innovative agents of change， willing to go wherever a temporarily potent face wash forced them to go.

Sometimes I though t about

my dad's situation.Before l was born， he developed skin cancer， which was successfully removed during a long， drawn—out surgery. Unfortunately，the procedure left him with a massive scar across his cheek，of course. I never paid any attention to it， living with him and all， but in large crowds， he drew stares. A conversation with someone and you would soon notice that person listening to him while subconsciously itching or rubbing the side of their face， a constant reminder as to where their mind really was in the exchange on a smaller scale， I noticed the same traits in people I encountered. While we started out speaking eye to eye， we ended up speaking eye to forehead， their gaze getting higher and higher.

Mentioning it only made things that much more awkward. It left me feeling less than human， knowing that my body—my face—was more important than who I was altogether.

But like many teen-centered issues， The Reds would eventually disappear. From Mt. Kilimanjaro on， each mountain toppled over. Some would leave scars from my constant scratching and squeezing， while others departed in a quieter manner， as if they had never erupted in the first place. Either way， I gradually settled with the embarrassment and grief l carried in my own face. The Reds or not， I decided I wouldn't let them keep me from enjoying the life I wanted to lead.

I think back to a trip to Universal Studios with my dad. We sat at a table finishing lunch before we headed toward another line for a ride. He ate casually， but between bites it

seemed as if I were the only one aware of the visitors who happened to walk by and make note of his cheek.I leaned in to Dad and expressed my concern，"I really wish they wouldn't stare like that. What's their problem？" He barely glanced up from his food as he issued his response." Who cares？ l know I don't， that much is certain. Let'em stare. Learned that lesson a long time ago."

Such simple wisdom hit me deep in my heart of hearts. He wasn't about to let anyone influence how he felt at the given moment.He's got a scar…and it doesn't even matter. not to him at Ieast. Maybe to the people walking by it did， but to him？ Not a chance. When we finished eating， we proceeded to have the time of our lives. Be it my forehead or his cheek， some would gawk others would gape，but I can say with the utmost sincerity that we were the last to notice， and the last to care.

從去年的某個時候開始，我逐漸養(yǎng)成了不愿照鏡子的習慣。這個習慣起初是無意識慢慢形成的，但最終在我的腦海里扎了根。

終于有一天，當我在一家餐廳的洗手間洗手時，我無意中看到了鏡中的自己。令我一直無法直視自己的原因這下子清楚了——我長了大紅包。

有的人也許會把這些大紅包叫作粉刺或痤瘡，不過，我長的這些包可跟你們一般人長的不一樣。我要對付的是突然大批冒出的腫塊，而且它們居然是鮮紅色的。當別的孩子一周后就能把膿包擠掉時，我的包在我的精心照顧之下只是變得——用我媽媽的話說——“平靜了一些”。想讓它們真正消失幾乎是個笑話，我唯一的希望是它們可以剛好“稍加收斂一下”，平復到我的額頭皮膚本來的高度。

看著洗手間鏡子里的自己，只

是證實了我早就該承認的事實。我的兄弟們早已將打擊我視為己任，比如他們會評論說：“噢，我看見乞力馬扎羅山在你的腦門上冒得好高好高啊。”真好笑。沒用多久，我的腦門上看起來就好像是世界最高峰都來安家了一樣，有珠穆朗瑪峰、干城章嘉峰、麥金利峰。每座高峰都在我的臉上有自己名下的一個包。在我心底的某個角落，我覺得自己似乎跟這些包中的每一個都息息相關。對于我該怎么洗臉以及戒掉油膩食品這類的意見（我要指出，這么做并不能預防痘痘），如果我打算去忍受，那對腦門上的這些臨時訪客我至少可以表現(xiàn)得更親近一點。

我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己會在早上端詳每一個痘痘，并在心里記下它們的生長狀況，甚至為它們的長勢叫好。當然，如果它們難得變小了一點（這令人稱道），我會更加大聲叫好。不管怎樣，朋友們和陌生人都總是樂意為我提供他們的小竅門，送上他們的支持。仿佛我們鎮(zhèn)上的居民一夜之間就都搖身一變成了皮膚專家。他們忸怩而婉轉地對我說（好像是為了避免傷害我的感情或避免讓自己顯得太冷酷似的）：“你對金縷梅酊劑了解不？我聽說它對皮膚問題有奇效。我可不是說你應該用它，只是告訴你我聽說的哈?！?/p>

他們不明白的是，這些大紅包就像是某種晚期結核病一樣，具有抗藥性，能夠變化并可以在任何環(huán)境下茁壯成長。對于護膚產(chǎn)品，這些大紅包不只是做出反應，它們會采取行動。即使我真的找到了一種管用的洗面乳，我也很快就會發(fā)現(xiàn)，把精力全部放在腦門上只會導致我的臉上突然泛起一片新的紅包。我忙著用洗面乳使勁去洗臉，可嘴角上又會腫起一個大到前所未見的紅疙瘩。當我以為自己已經(jīng)把臉上的每個地方都照顧到了時，我的眉毛下邊又鼓起了一堆腫包。這些大紅包富于創(chuàng)新、靈活善變，愿意前往暫時見效的洗面乳將它們驅往的任何地方。

有時我會想到爸爸的情況。他在我出生之前得了皮膚癌，經(jīng)過一次極其漫長的手術，病灶被成功切除了。遺憾的是，那次手術在他臉上留下了一道大大的傷疤。當然，由于我們一直生活在一起以及諸如此類的事情，我從來不會留意他的傷疤，但是在人多的地方，他總會引來旁人的目光。當他跟別人說話時，你很快就會發(fā)現(xiàn)，對方一邊在聽他講話，一邊在下意識地去撓撓或是蹭蹭自己的臉，這個動作時刻提醒著你他們的心思在談話過程中其實在哪里。我在我遇到的那些人身上也發(fā)現(xiàn)了同樣的特征，雖然表現(xiàn)得沒有那么明顯。談話伊始，我們還能看著彼此的眼睛，可是他們的目光漸漸上移，聊到最后，眼睛就盯在我的腦門上了。

提及這一點只會讓場面變得越發(fā)尷尬。發(fā)現(xiàn)我的身體——我的臉——比我整個人還要重要，這讓我感覺自己低人一等。

不過，和許多主要發(fā)生在青少年身上的問題一樣，大紅包最終也會退去。從“乞力馬扎羅山”包開始，每座“峰”包都倒下了。有一些包會因為我經(jīng)常撓、經(jīng)常擠而留下疤痕，另一些在離去時則更加悄無聲息，仿佛它們從來就沒有出來過一樣。不管怎樣，我漸漸地與我的臉帶給我的尷尬和難過達成了和解。不管是大紅包還是別的什么，我決意不讓它們阻擋我去享受自己想要過的那種生活。

我想起了跟爸爸一起去環(huán)球影城游玩的那次經(jīng)歷。在前去排隊等候玩下一處游樂設施前，我們坐在一張餐桌旁吃午飯。他漫不經(jīng)心地吃著，但在這期間，仿佛只有我注意到了當那些游客恰好從我們身邊經(jīng)過時，他們會留意爸爸的臉頰。我朝爸爸探過身去，表達了我的關心：“我真希望他們別那么盯著你看。他們是不是有毛病??？”爸爸幾乎都沒有將視線從他的食物上提高一點兒，就發(fā)出了自己的回應：“誰在乎呢？反正我知道我不在乎。讓他們盯著去吧。我早就把這種事兒想明白了?！?/p>

如此樸素的智慧令我的內(nèi)心深感震撼。他不打算讓任何人影響到他在某一時刻的心情。他有道疤……但那根本無關緊要，至少對他而言是這樣的。也許對那些從他身旁經(jīng)過的人來說這件事很重要，可對他而言呢？完全沒有這種可能。吃完飯后，我們繼續(xù)盡情享受時光。無論是我的腦門還是他的臉頰，有的人會呆頭呆腦地盯著看，有的人會目瞪口呆地注視著，不過我可以以最真誠的態(tài)度說，我們自己根本沒注意，也根本不在意。