劉昱榆

2016年10月浙江高考首次嘗試讀后續(xù)寫，拉開了寫作題的新局面。這不僅僅給學生，同時也給老師以一個巨大的考驗。那么如何寫好一篇續(xù)寫，如何“打動”評卷老師便成了一個新的難題。

首先我們要了解讀后續(xù)寫具體的評分標準。閱卷時評卷老師需要考慮以下幾點：

（1）與原文以及給出的兩個段首句的銜接程度;

（2）內容的豐富性與故事的合理性;

（3）應用語法結構和詞匯的準確性和豐富性;

（4）上下文的連貫性。

下面以一道原創(chuàng)題為例，探討如何使用兩個技巧來增強內容的豐富性與故事的合理性。

閱讀下面材料， 根據(jù)其內容和所給段落開頭語續(xù)寫兩段， 使之構成一篇完整的短文。

Terry Erickson was a tall boy; 13， starting to fill out with muscle but still a little awkward. He was on the edge of being a good athlete， though very slowly and that bothered him. But what bothered him even more was when his fathers eyes went away. Sometimes during a meal his fathers fork would stop halfway to his mouth， just stop， and there would be a long pause while his eyes went away， far away. After several minutes his mother would reach over and take the fork and put it gently down on his plate， and they would go back to eating–or try to go back to eating–normally.

They knew what caused it. When it first started， Terry had asked his mother in private what it was， what was causing the strange behaviour.“Its from the war，”his mother had said， “The doctor at the veterans（退伍軍人） hospital call it the Vietnam syndrome（綜合征）.”

“Will it go away？”“They dont know. Sometimes it goes away， sometimes it doesnt. They are trying to help him.”He stopped pushing it. But it bothered him whenever it happened. His father had trouble， and he knew almost nothing of the war. There just didnt seem to be anything that could help him.

His father was sitting in the kitchen at the table. It had taken some courage， more than Terry thought he could find. Terry got a soda out of the refrigerator and popped it open. As an afterthought， he handed it to his father and got another for himself. Then he sat at the table. His father smiled.“You look serious.” Terry tightened his back and took a sip of soda.“I was wondering if we could talk about something. Dad. Vietnam.”He looked at the table， then out the window. Now his fathers eyes were gone again as Terrys heart sank. Terry pushed his soda back and forth， looking down， frightened at what was happening.

注意：

1. 續(xù)寫詞數(shù)應為150左右：

2. 請按如下格式在答題卡的相應位置作答。

His dad took a deep breath， trying to look for a hidden box.

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Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it.

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什么是高潮？Herrick（1902）曾定義記敘文中的高潮（climax），也可稱之為轉折點（turning point），為故事中最緊張以及最扣人心弦的點，在這個時間節(jié)點故事中的主人公做出了一些決定并轉變了故事的局面。

了解何為高潮后，我們就應著手思考如何營造故事中的高潮。本文主要出現(xiàn)了三個主要人物，Terry以及他的父母親，由給出的兩個段首句可以看出這個故事主要圍繞著Terry與他父親之間展開。Terry的父親是一位退伍軍人，在日常生活中他時常出現(xiàn)長時間呆滯的狀態(tài)，引起了Terry對父親過去生活的好奇，并由此展開續(xù)寫。

技巧一：增加外部沖突。

Bell（2014）曾提到“沒有沖突就沒有喜劇”，“沖突”強調的是事物的“對立性”，也是推動故事情節(jié)發(fā)展的主要動力。根據(jù)戲劇理論，敘事作品的沖突包含了三種：人與人之間的沖突，人物自身的內心沖突，或人與社會或自然環(huán)境的沖突。無論是哪一種沖突，都可以通過營造人物觀點差異，行為對立，或競爭需要等來表現(xiàn)。以2020年7月浙江高考讀后續(xù)寫為例，這篇文章的“對立性”體現(xiàn)在“我”和北極熊兩個角色，通過兩個“人物”的沖突推進故事發(fā)展?；氐竭@道原創(chuàng)題，研讀文本并分析語言后，故事外部的沖突可以著重于兩個方面：

1. 自然與人物（越南戰(zhàn)爭與父親）;

2. 人物與人物（Terry與父親）。

首先，我們要從文本中的細節(jié)去挖掘人物對于事件的看法。從文本的結尾“I was wondering if we could talk about something. Dad. Vietnam.”He looked at the table， then out the window.”猜測故事走向，可考慮自然與人物的沖突——父親與戰(zhàn)爭現(xiàn)場之間的沖突。例如，描述父親對戰(zhàn)爭的厭惡，父親對生命流逝的感傷等等。

續(xù)寫不僅僅只有一個可能性，角色與角色的沖突同樣也能將文章推向高潮。由文末的“Terry pushed his soda back and forth， looking down， frightened at what was happening.”這句話可以判斷出，Terry是鼓起勇氣問起父親慘痛的經(jīng)歷。在首段中，Terry對越南戰(zhàn)爭的不了解以及父親對戰(zhàn)爭的恐懼，同樣可以通過對話推動情節(jié)的發(fā)展。我們來分析一下所給兩個段落的首句：

His dad took a deep breath， trying to look for some photos from a hidden box.

從take a deep breath這個人物動作推斷出父親是極其不愿意提起過往的事情。

Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it.

fear一詞再次強調了父親的感受，同時本句話也表現(xiàn)出了Terry逐漸開始明白父親的感受以及他的病因。

技巧二：加強內部斗爭。

內部斗爭其實指的是上文提到的人物角色的心理活動或心理斗爭，若要將此部分發(fā)揮極致，首要的是要了解人物的性格特點和情感變化。當考生抓住了人物情感變化的主線時，文章后續(xù)的情節(jié)走向也就會十分清晰明了。

故事原文中兩個主要人物的情感性格線索如下表所示：

Terry：

Terrys father：

由上表可見，一位是關心父親卻又膽怯的兒子，一位是恐懼過往卻又深愛兒子的父親?？梢砸龑Э忌浞掷脙蓚€人物心理活動的矛盾來營造故事的高潮，例如兒子是如何從不解到理解父親，父親又是如何從害怕到勇敢面對過去等。

表達兒子明白真相后情緒低落的描述有：

（1）The last word went like a bullet to Terrys heart.

（2）Terry felt so sad that he found himself crying subconsciously， unable to hold back his tears.

（3）He felt that the blood in his body running rapidly because of the terrible photos.

表達父親在兒子的安撫下勇敢面對過去的描述有：

（1）Hearing his encouraging words， Terrys father smiled with tears.

（2）Terrys innocent eyes hit the deepest of his heart.

（3）His eyes twinkled with endless hope every time he remembered this talk with Terry.

參考范文：

His father took a deep breath， trying to look for a hidden box. Inside the box were a piles of pictures about his worst memory. Terry could notice his dads hand trembling and reaching one of the faded photos. Meanwhile， Fathers nightmare came back vividly， which reminded him of the warzone， the chaos and the screaming. However， he took one out and said，“This is my best friend but he died of an unexpected explosion.”His description was beyond imagination. Terry felt so terrified and sad that he found himself crying subconsciously， unable to hold back his tears. Never has he expected how cruel the war was.

Terry felt the fear， so he reached for his fathers hand and held it. It was Terrys father who decided to break the silence， “I didnt talk about it because it wasnt anything fun.”Terry nodded his head， gazing through his dads broken soul.“Thanks， dad， for telling everything. I want you to know that from now on， mum and I will support you along the journey.”Terry wiped his tears， attempting to squeeze a smile. Hearing his sons encouraging words， the fathers face lit up. They both know it would be a long recovery but the fathers eyes twinkled with endless hope every time he remembered this talk with Terry.

點評：

第一，情節(jié)設置較為合理，細節(jié)豐富，與原文以及給出的句子銜接緊密。首段續(xù)寫中描述了父親給兒子描述戰(zhàn)爭的情形，用了心理活動和人物動作分別體現(xiàn)了戰(zhàn)爭的殘酷。比如“nightmare”一詞就精準具體地表現(xiàn)了戰(zhàn)爭在人們心中的形象。同時父親的動作也十分生動形象，不是用了簡單的“take a photo”，而是用“trembling and reaching”來豐富父親的動作細節(jié)。第二段，Terry的“看”這個動作也并未使用“l(fā)ook”這樣的上義詞，而是使用了“gaze through”突出表現(xiàn)了Terry對父親的一種理解和同情。同理，靈活運用了wipe， squeeze， lit up， twinkle等詞，這為文章增添不少色彩。然而篇章有限，對于戰(zhàn)爭的描述一帶而過，難以使讀者產(chǎn)生共鳴。

第二，從語言層面上看，本篇續(xù)寫句型多樣并恰到好處，運用大量詞塊。比如首段開頭使用了倒裝句“Inside the box were a piles of pictures about his worst memory”;還有定語從句“Fathers nightmare came back vividly， which reminded him of the warzone， the chaos and the screaming.”;在首段結尾再次使用了一個Never引導的部分倒裝“Never has he expected how cruel the war was.”除了句型，非謂語動詞的大量使用也使得句子銜接自然，毫不累贅。

這篇文章對于情節(jié)描述較合理，首段通過主要營造人物內心活動的沖突，尤其著重描寫了父親對戰(zhàn)爭的回憶;第二段通過語言描寫體現(xiàn)了人物角色之間解決“對立性”的過程。故事有起伏，有個完整的結尾，正能量的走向都升華了整篇續(xù)寫，這也是當下學生需要努力的方向。

責任編輯 蔣小青