◎施勤敏 浙江省德清高級中學

英語寫作

概要寫作及習作點評

◎施勤敏 浙江省德清高級中學

特約主持：趙伐

題型分析

概要寫作是一種要求學生在讀懂文章的基礎上用自己的語言歸納出文章主旨大意的書面表達形式，涉及“閱讀+寫作”兩種技能的運用，因此對學生的閱讀理解、概括歸納和書面表達等能力都提出了很高要求。浙江省新高考英語試題這一題型要求考生將350詞的英語原文縮略成60詞左右的概要，雖然寫作的詞數較150詞的續(xù)寫少許多，但難度并不亞于續(xù)寫題型?？忌诟乓獙懽髦腥〉幂^理想的分數，必須做到以下幾點：第一，需要通過閱讀，準確把握不同體裁文章的主旨大意；第二，需要把握文章的內部邏輯關系，區(qū)分主要觀點和用以支撐的細節(jié)信息；第三，需要用自己的語言，精準、連貫地寫出主旨大意。

學生習作分析

1 .題目要求

閱讀下面短文，根據其內容寫一篇60詞左右的內容概要：

Cyberspace(網絡空間)has given rise to a new social change where people make friends from across the world,but know little about their next-door neighbors.This worries critics(批評家).

Take Bob for example.He thinks his neighbor doesn’t know anything about gardening,but his instant messaging friend Gr33nThum does.Besides, Gr33nThum doesn’t do that annoying sound when he talks.Those people like Bob have long been criticized for their lack of necessary social skills.Critics think people almost forget how to naturally communicate with their neighbors,creating a social network of strangers.

However,a report entitled“The Strength of Internet Ties”provides a different opinion.Sociologists are suggesting that the Internet helps develop social networks and make use of them when it matters most.

Friends often move.As kids,our friends’parents move away.As adults, we move away to college or for work.Communicative tools have made losing touch the result of laziness,not distance.“The larger and the more diverse（多樣）a person’s network,the more important e-mail is,”argues Jeffrey Boase, who co-authored the report.“You can’t make phone calls or personal visits to all your friends very often,but you can keep in touch with them regularly with the help of the Internet.That turns out to be very important.”

In addition to expanding and strengthening the social ties people keep in the offline world,Internet and e-mail provide a social and informational support group that helps people make difficult decisions and face challenges.“Internet use provides online users a path to resources,such as access to people who may have the right information to help deal with family health problems or find a new job,”says John Horrigan,author of the report.“The Internet creates a new basis for community.Rather than relying on a single community for social support,people often must actively seek out a variety of appropriate people and resources for different situations,”says co-author Barry Wellman.

2.考題分析

原文是一篇層次分明的議論文，由五個段落組成。文章的結構為：引論（第一段），本論（第二段）和論據（三、四兩段）。但文中有不少長難句，要梳理出每段的要點并用精練的語言加以概括，還是有一定難度的。

命題教師也給出了一個概要的樣本：

Some critics worry that cyberspace will rob the Internet users of necessary social skills.（要點1）However,a report suggests that the Internet can be of benefits to social networks.（要點2）It can serve as a tool to help people stay in regular touch with friends.（要點3）Besides,it supplies people with social and informational resources when they are faced with difficult situations.（要點4）

3.習作點評

學生習作1（得分3分）

Cyberspace has given rise to a new social change where people make friends from across the world,but know little about their next door neighbors. Cyberspace are large and more diverse a person’s network.It has more important e-mail is.So I think cyberspace are very good for our life.（50詞）

點評1

顯而易見，這個考生的英語閱讀能力和寫作能力都是很弱的。文中除照抄原文的第一句話和第一個要點與原文意思接近外，其他沒有點到任何一個要點。第二、三兩句話也是從原文中的句子“‘The larger and the more diverse a person’s network,the more important e-mail is’,argues Jeffrey Boase.”改寫的，且存在語法錯誤。只有最后一個簡短的句子是考生自己的話。根據評分標準，這篇概要寫作在原文理解和語言質量方面都存在很大問題，且所使用的50個詞中大部分為原文的句子?？梢?，對于英語基礎差的考生，摘抄拼湊原文的內容并不能提高得分，扎扎實實地從閱讀入手，讀懂讀透原文是提高概要寫作能力的第一步。

學生習作2（得分7分）

Cyberspace makes a new social change,it has bad hand and great hand. Someone thinks the internet makes people lack of necessary social skills. However,some people think first the internet helps develop social networks. Secondly,the internet makes people more convenient.Finally,the internet creates a new basis for community.Therefore,the internet is fantastic in some hands.In other hands,it maybe bad.（65詞）

點評2

與上一篇習作比較，這個考生的閱讀理解能力要好一些，基本讀懂了原文，能找到文中的部分要點和一些關鍵詞，如“l(fā)ack of necessary social skills”“help develop social networks”，并有意識地使用了一些連貫詞，如“However”“secondly”“finally”“therefore”。但顯然，這個考生的詞匯量、語言表達和概括能力是欠缺的，比如全篇反復用到的“hand”一詞，雖然可能對高中教學中經常提到的“on one hand”和“on the other hand”有些印象，但文中的運用都是錯誤的。第一句“bad hand and great hand”應該是“disadvantages and advantages”的意思，最后兩句的“hands”換成“aspects”較好?？梢娍忌~匯量十分匱乏。雖然考生能找到關鍵詞“l(fā)ack of necessary social skills”，但其改寫的句子“Someone thinks internet makes people lack of necessary social skills.”不夠地道，用“make”這樣的句式比較生硬，改為“Some people believe internet is the cause of...”或者“result in...”等表達方式或許更妥。考生在用原文詞匯拼湊要點時，還出現(xiàn)了許多詞匯和語法上的錯誤，影響了意義的表達。

學生習作3（得分13分）

Cyberspace changed our life and we always make friends on the Internet. Some critics worried that we will lose the necessary social skill.However,a report had a different opinion.They thought that we can keep in touch with all your friends regularly on the internet.And it also helps us to deal with difficult challenges.The Internet creates a new basis for community,people can find suitable people and resources.（70詞）

點評3

這篇習作包含了大部分要點，涵蓋了第一段的引論和第三、四兩段的論據，但最重要的立論只用了“However,a report had a different opinions”，沒有點明要點。習作的語言質量比上兩篇要好一點，詞匯和句子錯誤不多。但仍可以看出語言運用能力和概括能力有待進一步提高，比如習作中第一和第二兩句“Cyberspace changed our life and we always make friends onthe Internet.Some critics worried that we will lose the necessary social skill.”都是對要點一的闡述，不夠精練到位，合成一句“Some critics worry that we will lose the necessary social skill since we always make friends on the internet.”會更好。習作中很多句子還是對原文的詞塊的簡單重組，行文不夠連貫和緊湊。如“They thought that we can keep in touch with all your friends regularly on the internet.”套用原文詞塊時忘記改變人稱，出現(xiàn)了we和you的混亂，建議改成“Thanks to the internet,we can keep in touch with all our friends regularly.”。“The Internet creates a new basis for community”一句更是完全照搬原文，可以省略。

學生習作4（得分18分）

Cyberspace leads to changes of society,which makes critics set out to worry.They hold a belief that nowadays people even lose the ability of natural communicating.Nevertheless,there is a report indicating an opposite view against critics that the Internet contributes to develop social networks.They point out that instead of distance,it is the laziness that result in people’s losing touch.Also,they attach great importance to the Internet in communication. Additionally,the online worlds lay a solid foundation for community,giving people a hand to make decision and face challenges.（94詞）

點評4

這篇習作較上面三篇顯然要好很多，學生對原文的理解準確，四個要點都已覆蓋，且習作幾乎完全用自己的語言重新組織了幾個要點，行文流暢，詞匯和結構比較豐富，如連貫詞用到了“nevertheless”“also”“additionally”,句子結構運用了定語從句（Cyberspace leads to changes of society,which makes critics set out to worry.）、同位語從句（there is a report indicating an opposite view against critics that the Internet contributes to develop social networks.），強調句（it is the laziness that result in people’s losing touch.），非謂語（giving people a hand to make decision and face challenges.）等復雜的結構。雖然文中也出現(xiàn)了兩處語言錯誤，如：contributes todevelop social networks（to是介詞，應為developing）和it is the laziness that result in people’s losing touch（laziness是單數，從句謂語應改為results in），但都是因為嘗試較復雜的結構和較高級的詞匯造成的，且不影響意義的表達。然而這篇習作最大的問題是概括不夠言簡意賅，語言不夠精練，包含了一些可以省略的細節(jié)。如第一、二兩句“Cyberspace leads to changes of society,which makes critics set out to worry.They hold a belief that nowadays people even lose the ability of natural communicating.”建議可以提煉成一句“Critics worry that people even lose the ability of natural communication due to the changes of society brought by cyberspace.”。又如習作中“They point out that instead of distance,it is the laziness that result in people’s losing touch.”這個細節(jié)可以刪去，直接闡明“the internet helps people stay in regular touch with friends”就可以了。概要寫作的詞數范圍為40-80，過多或過少都要酌情扣兩分。

學生習作5（得分23分）

Critics have long been worried that the Internet may deprive people of necessary social skills,bringing about a great social change.However,a report recently published provided a different opinion.It says that the Internet makes distance no longer a setback for communication and thus expands and strengthens the social ties in the real world.Besides,it is stated that the Internet provides a social and informational support group that helps people make decisions.（74詞）

點評5

這篇習作在呈現(xiàn)的五篇習作中顯然是能脫穎而出的，考生不僅對原文理解精準，而且概括到位，語言精練，行文流暢，體現(xiàn)出較高的英語運用能力。全文在原創(chuàng)的情況下沒有出現(xiàn)詞匯或結構錯誤，且自如運用高級詞匯和復雜結構，如篇首“Critics have long been worried that the Internet may deprive people of necessary social skills,bringing about a great social change.”這一句。能在對原文準確解讀的基礎上，巧妙精練地加以總結，如對要點三的闡明“It says that the Internet makes distance no longer a setback for communication and thus expands and strengthens the social ties in the real world.”一句。可惜的是，對于要點二，立論的闡明還不夠到位，應進一步表述a different opinion的內容。但瑕不掩瑜，這仍然是一篇佳作。

閱卷有感

以上五篇習作都來自筆者閱卷時收集的學生習作。閱卷中發(fā)現(xiàn)，概要寫作優(yōu)秀的習作比率不高。英語基礎較好的學生在考場實戰(zhàn)中難寫出佳作，對于英語基礎弱的考生來說要拿到較好的分數則更是不易。歸根結底，要提高學生概要寫作的能力還得從平時的教學中抓起，針對英語水平不同的學生，各有重點地進行訓練。

概要寫作得分10分以下的學生，基本是由于詞匯量和語言結構知識的欠缺。難以讀懂原文，更談不上有質量的語言輸出了。針對這樣的考生，只能從最基礎的詞匯語法抓起，先提高閱讀理解能力，才能邁出概要寫作的第一步。

針對概要寫作得分10～18分的學生，在平時訓練中要提出更高的要求，在讀透原文的基礎上快速把握主旨大意，理清文章脈絡，分清主次信息，準確取舍。并且以閱讀帶動寫作，訓練用自己的語言流暢連貫地表達信息。增加輸出詞匯的儲備，鼓勵多運用復雜的語言結構。

概要寫作得分在18分以上的學生往往已具備較好的語言能力，但仍要堅持對思維能力的訓練，更精準地鎖定要點，加強高級詞匯和語言結構的積累和靈活運用，力爭言簡意賅，準確到位地概括原文。

最后仍要強調，習作的顏值一直是不可忽視的一點。端正整潔的書寫是寫作態(tài)度的體現(xiàn)，也是給閱卷教師留下良好初印象的訣竅。

本欄目責任編輯：陸姹妮