文/Kasey Edwards 譯/鋮鋮 繪/也圓

當(dāng)媽媽覺(jué)得自己胖，請(qǐng)對(duì)她說(shuō)你很美

文/Kasey Edwards 譯/鋮鋮 繪/也圓

When Your Mother Says She's Fat

Dear Mum，

I was seven when I discovered that you were fat， ugly and horrible.

One night， we were dressed up for a party and you said to me， "Look at you， so thin，beautiful and lovely. And look at me， fat， ugly and horrible."

At first I didn't understand what you meant.

"You're not fat，" I said earnestly①earnestly 英 ［'??n?stl?］ adv. 認(rèn)真地；誠(chéng)摯地and innocently②innocently 美 ［'?n?s?ntli］ adv. 純潔地；無(wú)罪地， and you replied， "Yes I am， darling. I've always been fat； even as a child."

With every grimace③grimace 英 ［'ɡr?m?s； ɡr?'me?s］ 美 ［ɡr?'mes］ vi. 扮鬼臉；作怪相；作苦相 n. 鬼臉；怪相；痛苦的表情at your reflection in the mirror， every new wonder diet that was going to change your life， and every guilty spoon of "Oh-I-really-shouldn't"，I learned that women must be thin to be valid and worthy. Girls must go without because their greatest contribution to the world is their physical beauty.

But now that I am older，and a mother myself， I know that blaming you for my body hatred is unhelpful and unfair. I now understand that you too are a product of a long and rich lineage of women who were taught to loathe themselves.

Before Dad left， he provided no balm④balm 英 ［bɑ?m］ 美 ［bɑm］ n. 香油；鎮(zhèn)痛軟膏；香峰草，香樹(shù)膏for your body-image torment either.

That night at dinner I watched you implement Dad's "Energy In， Energy Out: Jesus， Jan， Just Eat Less" weight-loss cure. You served up chow mein for dinner. Everyone else's food was on a dinner plate except yours. You served your chow mein on a tiny bread-and-butter plate.

Silent tears streamed down your face. I said nothing. We all ate our dinner in silence. Nobody comforted you. Nobody told you to stop being ridiculous and get a proper plate. Nobody told you that you were already loved and already good enough. Your achievements and your worth—as a teacher of children with special needs and a devoted⑥devoted 英 ［d?'vot?d］ 美 ［d?'vot?d］ adj. 獻(xiàn)身的；忠誠(chéng)的 v. 獻(xiàn)身于……；致力于……（devote的過(guò)去分詞）mother of three of your own—paled into insignificance when compared with the centimetres you couldn't lose from your waist.

But I was wrong， Mum. Now I understand what it's like to grow up in a society that tells women that their beauty matters most，and at the same time defines a standard of beauty that is perpetually⑦perpetually 美 ［p?'p?t???li］ adv. 永恒地，持久地out of reach. I also know the pain of 9）internalising these messages. We have become our own jailors⑧jailor 英 ［'d?e?l?］ n. 獄卒；看守監(jiān)獄的人and we 10）inflict our own punishments for failing to measure up. No one is as cruel to us as we are to ourselves.

But this madness has to stop，Mum. It stops with you， it stops with me and it stops now. We deserve better—better than to have our days brought to ruin by thoughts of our "bad bodies，" wishing we were otherwise.

Let us honour and respect our bodies for what they do instead of despising them for how they appear. We can focus on living healthy and active lives，letting our weight fall where it may， while consigning⑨consign 英 ［k?n'sa?n］ 美 ［k?n'sa?n］ vt. 交付；托運(yùn)；寄存；把……委托給our body hatred⑩hatred 英 ［'he?tr?d］ 美 ［'hetr?d］ n. 憎恨；怨恨；敵意to the past where it belongs. When I looked at that photo of you in the white bathing suit all those years ago，my innocent young eyes saw the truth. I saw unconditional love，beauty and wisdom. I saw my Mum.

Love， Kasey xx

親愛(ài)的媽媽：

當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)您又肥又丑又難看的時(shí)候，我七歲。

那天，我們?yōu)橐粋€(gè)派對(duì)盛裝打扮，您對(duì)我說(shuō)：“看看你，多苗條啊，漂亮又可愛(ài)?？纯次?，又肥又丑又難看。”起初，我不明白您的話。

“您不肥，”我真心誠(chéng)摯地說(shuō)，但您卻說(shuō)：“我很肥，寶貝。我一直都很肥，就算是小時(shí)候也很肥?！?/p>

每一次您照鏡子時(shí)的痛苦表情，每一種新的將要改變您人生的神奇節(jié)食方法，每一勺說(shuō)著“噢，我真的不應(yīng)該（吃）”并且滿帶罪惡感吃下的飯菜，我都明白到女性必須要纖瘦，那才是合情合理，有價(jià)值的。女孩子們必須習(xí)以為常，因?yàn)樗齻儗?duì)這個(gè)世界最大的貢獻(xiàn)就是體態(tài)美。

但如今，我年紀(jì)大了些，自己也當(dāng)上了媽媽，我意識(shí)到將我自己對(duì)身體的不滿歸咎于您是毫無(wú)幫助，也是不公平的。我現(xiàn)在明白，漫長(zhǎng)世代以來(lái)，無(wú)數(shù)女性一直被灌輸著自嫌自厭的概念，而您也只是其中一個(gè)產(chǎn)物。

在爸爸離家之前，他也沒(méi)有對(duì)您的體形之苦口下留情。

那天吃晚飯的時(shí)候，我看到您實(shí)踐起爸爸的減肥療法來(lái)了。您做了炒面作為晚飯。除了您，其他人的飯菜都盛在一個(gè)晚餐盤(pán)子上。您自己的那份炒面盛在一個(gè)很小的面包黃油碟子上。

無(wú)聲的淚從您的臉上流了下來(lái)。我沒(méi)有說(shuō)話。我們所有人都無(wú)聲地吃著自己的飯。沒(méi)有人安慰您。沒(méi)有人跟您說(shuō)，別這么荒謬了，去換碟正經(jīng)的飯菜吧。沒(méi)有人告訴您，您已經(jīng)很受人愛(ài)戴，已經(jīng)做得夠好的了。您的成就，您的價(jià)值——作為一位教育特殊兒童的老師和一個(gè)全心全意照顧三個(gè)子女的媽媽，這些與您無(wú)法從腰間減去的那幾厘米相比，顯得蒼白失色，毫無(wú)意義。

但我錯(cuò)了，媽媽。現(xiàn)在我明白到，成長(zhǎng)在這樣一個(gè)社會(huì)是怎樣一番滋味，這個(gè)社會(huì)灌輸給女性的觀念是，她們的美才是最重要的，并且同時(shí)制定出一個(gè)幾乎讓人無(wú)法企及的“美”的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。我也知道這些信息牢套于心的痛苦。我們將自己投入到囹圄之中，我們懲罰自己達(dá)不到標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。我們對(duì)待自己的殘忍程度，無(wú)人能及。

但這種瘋狂必須停止，媽媽。從您身上停止，從我身上停止，從現(xiàn)今起停止。我們值得擁有更好的生活——我們認(rèn)為自己“體態(tài)不堪”，渴望有所不同，這種想法把我們的生活給毀了，我們應(yīng)該過(guò)得更好。

讓我們?yōu)樯眢w的“真我本色”致以尊重和敬意，而不是因?yàn)樗鼈兊男螒B(tài)對(duì)其肆意輕視。我們可以關(guān)注于過(guò)上健康而活躍的生活，讓體重順其自然地降下來(lái)，而把我們對(duì)身體的仇恨交托給逝去的過(guò)往。多年前，當(dāng)我看著您穿著白色泳衣時(shí)的照片，我那雙天真無(wú)邪的眼睛看出了真諦。我看到了無(wú)條件的愛(ài)、美和智慧。我看到了我的媽媽。

愛(ài)您的，凱西（親親您）