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誰(shuí)都不可避免地會(huì)有做錯(cuò)事而需要向別人道歉的時(shí)候。然而，道歉不僅僅是一句簡(jiǎn)單的“對(duì)不起”就可以完成的，它其實(shí)是一門(mén)學(xué)問(wèn)與藝術(shù)。讀罷此文，試著捫心自問(wèn)：我真的會(huì)道歉嗎？

A good apology can help you skip over the messiest drama， bringing your relationship back to a happy place faster. "An effective apology doesn't just heal the wound for the other person，" says Guy Winch， psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid. "It'll remove your guilt too." On the flip side1）， a bad apology can ruin a friendship even faster than total silence， meaning： You've got to seize your chance to say "sorry" and get it right.

So how do you make a sincere apology without messing it up？ Experts have actually studied what makes an "I'm sorry" statement fly2） or flop3）. Read the following part to test your sorry skills—then learn how to construct4） your own perfect apology to patch things up5）.

誠(chéng)摯的道歉能幫你避開(kāi)最棘手的鬧劇，使你們的關(guān)系更快地恢復(fù)到和諧的狀態(tài)?！耙粋€(gè)有效的道歉不僅可以治愈對(duì)方的傷口，”《情感急救》一書(shū)的作者、心理學(xué)家蓋伊·溫奇說(shuō)，“它還能消除你的內(nèi)疚感?！狈粗划?dāng)?shù)牡狼副韧耆３殖聊€能更快地毀掉一段友情，這也就意味著：你必須抓住道歉的機(jī)會(huì)，并且要正確道歉。

那你怎樣才能做出誠(chéng)摯的道歉而不把事情搞砸呢？實(shí)際上，專(zhuān)家們已經(jīng)研究過(guò)什么因素會(huì)使一句“對(duì)不起”奏效或是搞砸。閱讀下面的部分來(lái)測(cè)一測(cè)你會(huì)不會(huì)道歉，然后學(xué)習(xí)一下如何構(gòu)思你自己的完美道歉，從而使你們和好如初。

Test Your Sorry Talent 測(cè)一測(cè)你會(huì)不會(huì)道歉

The Apology： You're crazy late for band practice， so you rush up to your conductor6）： "Sorry！ I was planning to be here early， but it's raining， so the train wasn't on time." You want to back up your lateness with facts—he needs to know it's not your fault！

Does it fly or flop？

Flop！ Yup， it's a total fail. "This is about you， when it should be about the person you hurt，" Winch says.

Fix it！ Don't make excuses！ Say what you should have done differently and how your mistake affected the other person： "I know my lateness kept you waiting and probably frustrated you too. Next time， I'll leave earlier."

道歉場(chǎng)景：你參加樂(lè)隊(duì)排練遲到了，而且晚得離譜，于是你沖到你們指揮面前說(shuō)：“對(duì)不起！我本來(lái)打算早點(diǎn)到這兒的，但卻下雨了，所以火車(chē)就沒(méi)能準(zhǔn)點(diǎn)到站?！蹦阆胗檬聦?shí)來(lái)證明自己為什么遲到——他需要知道這不是你的錯(cuò)！

這樣的道歉管不管用？

不管用！沒(méi)錯(cuò)，這樣的道歉完全不行。“它是圍繞著你自己展開(kāi)的，而在這種情形下，道歉應(yīng)圍繞著被你傷害的那一方展開(kāi)。”溫奇說(shuō)。

如何補(bǔ)救？不要找借口！說(shuō)出你原本應(yīng)該如何以另一種方式來(lái)做這件事，以及你的錯(cuò)誤如何影響到了對(duì)方：“我知道因?yàn)槲疫t到讓您久等了，可能還令您十分懊惱。下次我會(huì)再早一點(diǎn)出門(mén)的?！?/p>

The Apology： You're with your crew when you start playing a joke on one of them. Everyone thinks you're hilarious7）—except that friend. Later， you pull him aside and say， "Hey， I'm sorry， but it's no big deal. And c'mon， everyone laughed at the joke—not at you！"

Does it fly or flop？

Flop！ Winch says this apology is only half-baked： "There's a violation of loyalty that you didn't address."

Fix it！ Your friend has to hear that you acknowledge his pain and respect his feelings： "I can imagine that you felt betrayed. I don't want to make you feel that way， and I promise I won't do it again. Will you please forgive me？"

道歉場(chǎng)景：你和一幫朋友在一起，這時(shí)你開(kāi)起了其中一個(gè)朋友的玩笑。每個(gè)人都覺(jué)得你很搞笑，除了被你開(kāi)玩笑的那個(gè)朋友。過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，你把他拉到一邊說(shuō)：“嘿，對(duì)不起啊，不過(guò)這也沒(méi)什么大不了的吧。別生氣了，大家笑的是這個(gè)玩笑，不是笑你啦！”

這樣的道歉管不管用？

不管用！溫奇說(shuō)這樣的道歉是半生不熟的：“你這么做違背了朋友之間的忠誠(chéng)，而你卻沒(méi)有設(shè)法解決這個(gè)問(wèn)題。”

如何補(bǔ)救？你的朋友必須聽(tīng)到你親口承認(rèn)他的痛苦以及你是尊重他的感受的?！拔夷芟胂竽阌幸环N被出賣(mài)了的感覺(jué)。我不想讓你有那種感覺(jué)，我保證我下次不會(huì)再這么做了。請(qǐng)?jiān)徫液脝幔俊?/p>

The Apology： You lost track of time on Friday night. When your dad catches you sneaking in， you say： "I'm sorry that I missed my curfew8）. I know I'm wrong， and I understand if I can't go out again until I've regained your trust."

Does it fly or flop？

Fly！ This apology works because you point out exactly where you had a small mistake. "It's important to acknowledge that you're apologizing because you knew a rule but broke it anyway，" explains Winch. （Without that， you're really only apologizing for getting caught， which sounds shady9）！） You're also expressing that you've learned from your mistakes—an admission10） your dad can take as proof that you're mature enough to be trusted again.

道歉場(chǎng)景：周五晚上你玩得忘了時(shí)間。當(dāng)你偷偷溜進(jìn)門(mén)卻被爸爸逮了個(gè)正著時(shí)，你說(shuō)：“對(duì)不起，我沒(méi)按規(guī)定時(shí)間回家。我知道自己錯(cuò)了，而且如果我在重新獲得您的信任之前都不能再出去玩，我也可以理解。”

這樣的道歉管不管用？

管用！這樣的道歉是有效的，因?yàn)槟銣?zhǔn)確地指出了你在哪里犯了一個(gè)小錯(cuò)?！澳愕狼甘且?yàn)樽约好髅髦烙幸粭l規(guī)定但還是違反了這條規(guī)定，承認(rèn)這一點(diǎn)很重要?！睖仄娼忉屨f(shuō)。（如果不這樣做的話，那你實(shí)際上只是因?yàn)楸蛔チ藗€(gè)正著而道歉，這聽(tīng)起來(lái)就有點(diǎn)不誠(chéng)懇！）你同時(shí)還表達(dá)了你已經(jīng)從自己的錯(cuò)誤中得到了教訓(xùn)——你爸爸可以把你的承認(rèn)當(dāng)做是一種證明，它證明你已經(jīng)足夠成熟，值得他再次信任。

假如你犯錯(cuò)了……

A sincere "Sorry！" is a tricky deal—but these tips will get it done right.

Do

1. Apologize as soon as possible in person. Texts can come off as harsh11） and sarcastic12）. For an apology to sound sincere， you need to talk face-to-face.

2. Watch your body language. Make eye contact， put your phone down and keep your arms uncrossed. These signals will show you take the apology seriously.

3. Have a post-apology check-in. At the end of your conversation， ask if there's anything else you can say or do. It shows how much you want to rebuild trust.

Don't

1. Don't be defensive. When you say， "Sorry， but [insert excuse here]，" you're not taking responsibility， says Jennifer Thomas， co-author of When Sorry Isn't Enough.

2. Don't forget to actually ask： "Will you please forgive me？" You may think it's implied， but no apology is complete without these magic words.

3. Don't apologize just to make peace. If you truly don't feel you have any fault， don't apologize. Apologies lose their power if they aren't genuinely given！

真誠(chéng)的道歉是一件需要謹(jǐn)慎對(duì)待的事情，不過(guò)以下這些小竅門(mén)將幫你把這件事搞定。

請(qǐng)這樣做

1. 盡快當(dāng)面道歉。文字會(huì)顯得無(wú)情而諷刺。如果想讓道歉聽(tīng)起來(lái)真誠(chéng)，你需要面對(duì)面地去溝通。

2. 注意你的肢體語(yǔ)言。進(jìn)行眼神交流，放下你的電話，不要雙臂交叉。這些信號(hào)將表明你對(duì)這次道歉是認(rèn)真的。

3. 道歉后不忘再次過(guò)問(wèn)。在你們的對(duì)話結(jié)束時(shí)，問(wèn)一下對(duì)方還有沒(méi)有什么是你能說(shuō)或是能做的。這表明你是多么想要重建信任。

請(qǐng)不要這樣做

1. 不要擺出一副防御姿態(tài)。當(dāng)你說(shuō)“對(duì)不起，不過(guò)[此處插入借口]”時(shí)，你是在逃避責(zé)任，《當(dāng)?shù)狼高€不夠》一書(shū)的作者之一珍妮弗·托馬斯說(shuō)。

2. 不要忘記實(shí)實(shí)在在地問(wèn)一句：“請(qǐng)?jiān)徫液脝幔俊蹦阋苍S覺(jué)得這句話不言而喻，但如果不說(shuō)出這幾個(gè)神奇的字，任何一個(gè)道歉都是不完整的。

3. 不要只是為了和解而道歉。如果你真心不覺(jué)得自己有任何錯(cuò)誤，那就不要道歉。道歉如果不是真心實(shí)意而為，就失去了力量！