譯/可悅 繪/老八

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愛是謬論

譯/可悅 繪/老八

Cool was I and logical. Keen，calculating， perspicacious， acute and astute-I was all of these. And-think of it！-I am only eighteen.

It is not often that one so young has such a giant intellect①intellect 英［'?nt?lekt］ 美 ［'?nt?l?kt］ n. 智力，理解力；知識(shí)分子；思維邏輯領(lǐng)悟力；智力高的人Their power does not come from rank or title but from intellect and perseverance.他們的權(quán)力并非來自等級(jí)或頭銜，而是來自他們的智慧和毅力。. Take， for example， Petey Bellows，my roommate at the university. Same age， same background，but dumb as an ox. Worst of all，a faddist.

One afternoon I found Petey lying on his bed with an expression of such distress on his face that I immediately diagnosed②diagnose 英 ［'da??ɡn??z; -'n??z］ 美 ［,da??ɡ'nos］ vt. 診斷；斷定 vi. 診斷；判斷Evidently this springs from some defect in their nature， but it is one not altogether easyeither to diagnose of to cure. 這種情形顯然源于他們本性上的某種缺陷，但是這種缺陷既不容易診斷也不容易治療。appendicitis.

"I should have known it，" he cried， pounding his temples. "I should have known they'd

come back when the Charleston came back. Like a fool I spent all my money for textbooks， and now I can't get a raccoon coat."

He leaped from the bed and paced③pace 英［pe?s］ 美 ［pes］ n. 一步；步速；步伐vi. 踱步；緩慢而行vt. 踱步于；用步測(cè) keep pace with 并駕齊驅(qū)，保持同步Quickening his pace， he soon left all the other runners behind. 他加快速度，不一會(huì)就把別的運(yùn)動(dòng)員都甩在后頭了the room. "I've got to have a raccoon coat，" he said passionately. "I've got to！" I s t r o k e d m y c h i n thoughtfully. It so happened that④it so happened that 碰巧；恰好I saw him yesterday， as it happens.； It so happened that I saw him yesterday. 碰巧我昨天看見了他。I knew where to get my hands on a raccoon coat. My father had had one in his undergraduate days；it lays now in a trunk in the attic back home. It also happened that Petey had something I wanted. He didn't have it exactly， but at least he had first right on it. I refer to his girl，Polly Espy.

I h a d l o n g coveted Polly Espy.

Beautiful she was.

Intelligent she was not. In fact， she veered in the opposite direction. But I believed that under my guidance she would smarten up. At any rate， it was worth a try. It is， after all， easier to make a beautiful dumb girl smart than to make an ugly smart girl beautiful.

"Look，" I said to Petey when I got back Monday morning. I threw open the suitcase and revealed the huge， hairy， gamy object that my father had worn in his Stutz Bearcat in 1925.

"Holy Toledo！" said Petey reverently. He plunged⑤plunge 英［pl?n（d）?］ 美 ［pl?nd?］ n. 投入；跳進(jìn) vi. 突然地下降；投入；陷入；跳進(jìn) vt. 使陷入；使投入；使插入plunge into 投入；跳入；突然或倉(cāng)促地開始某事take the plunge 冒險(xiǎn)嘗試；采取決定性步驟plunge pool n. 瀑布下的水潭We can take the cue from our fears and plunge the world into chaos.我們應(yīng)該從我們的憂慮中以及世界陷入混亂中獲取暗示。his hands into the raccoon coat and then his face. "Holy Toledo！" he repeated fifteen or twenty times.

"Would you like it？" I asked.

"Oh yes！" he cried， clutching⑥clutch 英 ［kl?t?］ 美 ［kl?t?］ n. 離合器；控制；手；緊急關(guān)頭 vi. 攫；企圖抓住 vt. 抓住；緊握Modern clutch purse looks like a real can of Coca-Cola.看著很像一聽真的可口可樂的時(shí)尚手握式錢包。the greasy pelt to him. Then a canny look came into his eyes. "What do you want for it？" "

Your girl." I said， mincing no words.

"Polly？" he said in a horrified whisper. "You want Polly？"

"That's right." He flung the coat from him. "Never，" he said stoutly.

I shrugged. "Okay. If you don't want to be in the swim， I guess it's your business."

"Try on the coat，" said I. He complied. The coatbunched high over his ears and dropped all the way down to his shoe tops. He looked like a mound of dead raccoons. "Fits fine，" he said happily.

I rose from my chair. "Is it a deal？" I asked， extending my hand.

He swallowed. "It's a deal，" he said and shook my hand.

I had my first date with Polly the following evening. This was in the nature of a survey，I wanted to find out just how much work I had to do to get her mind up to the standard I required.

I went about it， as in all things， systematically. I gave her a course in logic. It happened that I， as a law student， was taking a course in logic myself，so I had all the facts at my fingertips. "Poll，" I said to her when I picked her up on our next date， "tonight we are going over to the knoll and talk."

"Oo， terrif，" she replied. One thing I will say for this girl： you would go far to find another so agreeable.

"We take up a fallacy called Hasty Generalization. Listen carefully： You can't speak French. Petey Bellows can't speak French. I must therefore conclude⑦conclude 英 ［k?n'klu?d］ 美 ［k?n'klud］ vt. 推斷；決定，作結(jié)論；結(jié)束 vi. 推斷；斷定；決定conclude with 以……結(jié)束conclude a contract 訂立合同 conclude an agreement 達(dá)成協(xié)議that nobody at the University of Minnesota can speak French."

"Really？" said Polly， amazed. "Nobody？"

I hid my exasperation⑧exasperation 英 ［?ɡ,zɑ?sp?'re??（?）n; eɡ-］ 美 n. 惱怒；惡化；惹人惱怒的事Their progress was exasperatingly slow， but we were beyond exasperation. 車速很慢，令人惱怒，但我們何止是惱怒呢。. "Polly，it's a fallacy. The generalization is reached too hastily. There are too few instances to support such a conclusion."

"Know any more fallacies？" she asked breathlessly. "This is more fun than dancing even."

I fought off a wave of despair. I was getting nowhere with this girl， absolutely nowhere. Still， I am nothing if not persistent⑨persistent 英 ［p?'s?st（?）nt］ 美 ［p?'z?st?nt］ adj. 固執(zhí)的，堅(jiān)持的；持久穩(wěn)固的If you really can't find any， at least the experience teaches you to be persistent in anysituation.如果你實(shí)在學(xué)不到什么東西，至少這種體驗(yàn)可以教給你在任何情況下都要堅(jiān)持。. I continued.

Five grueling nights with this took， but it was worth it. I had made a logician out of Polly； I had taught her to think. My job was done. She was worthy of me，at last. She was a fit wife for me，a proper hostess for my many mansions， a suitable mother for my well-heeled children.

"Polly，" I said when next we sat beneath our oak， "tonight we will not discuss fallacies."

"A w， g e e，" s h e s a i d，disappointed.

"My dear，" I said， favoring her with a smile， "we have now spent five evenings together. We have gotten along splendidly. It is clear that we are well matched."

"Hasty Generalization，" said Polly brightly.

"I beg your pardon，" said I.

"Hasty Generalization，" she repeated. "How can you say that we are well matched on the basis of only five dates？"

I chuckled with amusement. The dear child had learned her lessons well.

"Polly， I love you. You are the whole world to me， the moon and the stars and the constellations of outer space. Please， my darling，say that you will go steady with me， for if you will not， life will be meaningless. I will languish. I will refuse my meals. I will wander the face of the earth， a shambling，hollow-eyed hulk."

There， I thought， folding my arms， that ought to do it.

"Ad Misericordiam，" said Polly.

I ground my teeth. I was not Pygmalion； I was Frankenstein， and my monster had me by the throat. Frantically I fought back the tide of panic surging through me； at all costs I had to keep cool.

"Well， Polly，" I said， forcing a smile， "you certainly have learned your fallacies."

"You're right，" she said with a vigorous nod.

"And who taught them to you，Polly？"

"You did."

"That's right. So you do owe me something， don't you， my dear？ If I hadn't come along you never would have learned about fallacies."

"Hypothesis Contrary to Fact，" she said instantly.

I dashed perspiration from my brow.

That did it. I leaped to my feet， bellowing like a bull. "Will you or will you not go steady with me？"

"I will not，" she replied.

"Why not？" I demanded.

"Because this afternoon I promised Petey Bellows that I would go steady with him."

With an immense effort of will， I modulated my voice. "All right，" I said. "You're a logician. Let's look at this thing logically. How could you choose Petey Bellows over me？ Look at mea tremendous intellectual， a man with an assured future. Look at Petey-a jitterbug， a guy who'll never know where his next meal is coming from.

"I certainly can，" declared Polly. "He's got a raccoon coat."

我是個(gè)很酷的男生，邏輯能力超強(qiáng)，思維敏銳，善于分析，特具有洞察力，并且感覺靈敏，為人精明——我簡(jiǎn)直是造物主的奇跡。并且，想想吧，我才十八歲！

如此年輕便有這樣的智慧，這可不常見。反觀我的大學(xué)室友皮特·貝洛斯（Petey Bellows），相同的年齡，同樣的背景，卻蠢笨如牛。最糟糕的是他隨波逐流，盲目地追求時(shí)尚。

某天下午回到寢室，發(fā)現(xiàn)皮特正躺在床上，神情沮喪，形容憔悴。我以為他得了闌尾炎。

他猛敲著太陽(yáng)穴，自言自語(yǔ)，嚎啕大叫：“在查爾斯頓舞卷土重來時(shí)，我就該料到熊皮大衣要風(fēng)靡了。我真傻，為什么將所有的錢都花在課本上了，現(xiàn)在，我買不了熊皮大衣了?！?/p>

他從床上一躍而起，繼而在房間里踱來踱去。突然，他像下定了決心，激昂地說：“我一定要得到一件熊皮大衣，我得馬上想辦法！”

我輕撫著下巴，陷入沉思。很慶幸，我知道上哪搞到一件熊皮大衣。我父親畢業(yè)時(shí)曾有一件，現(xiàn)在正躺在家中屋后閣樓上的大箱子里呢。剛巧，皮特也有我想要的東西。其實(shí)，也不能說那是他的所有物，但至少他有著優(yōu)先權(quán)——我指的是他的女友，波莉·伊思貝爾（Polly Espy）。

我垂涎波莉·伊思貝爾已久。她美麗。但很可惜，她缺乏智慧，而且是反其道而行。但我有自信能把她教聰明，不管怎樣，都是值得一試的。畢竟，改造笨的美女比改造聰明的丑女容易。

“皮特，快看這是什么！”周一回校，我就敞開行李袋，一個(gè)龐大物體赫然眼前，毛茸茸的，散發(fā)出濃重的腥臭。1925年，我爸在斯圖茨·貝爾卡特（Stutz Bearcat）工作，這件皮衣就是他當(dāng)年穿過的。

“哇，太棒了！”皮特的語(yǔ)氣竟有些恭敬。用手摸了摸衣服，之后又將臉貼了上去?！巴郏袅?！”他一遍又一遍地重復(fù)著，至少有15到20遍。

“喜歡嗎？”我問。

“哦！是的！”他喊著，將油滑的皮毛緊緊地抓在手中。然后防備地看著我，問道：“你想要什么？”

“你女朋友?！蔽抑苯亓水?dāng)，毫不含糊。

“波莉？”他輕聲地問著，語(yǔ)氣里充滿了恐懼?！澳阆胍ɡ?？”

“是的?！?/p>

他狠狠地扔下大衣，堅(jiān)定地說：“你休想?！?/p>

我聳了聳肩，說道“那好，你不想趕上潮流了吧！很好！那是你的事?！?/p>

“穿上大衣試試?！蔽艺f。

他照做。衣服很長(zhǎng)，包住了腳，拖到地上，蓋住了鞋子，整個(gè)人就像是裹在里面，看上去像是一堆浣熊尸體。

“太合身了?！彼吲d地手舞足蹈。

我站起身，問道：“那我們就成交了？”同時(shí)伸出右手。

他忍痛割愛?！俺山弧?，說著握了握我的手。

次日晚上，我和波莉就進(jìn)行了第一次約會(huì)。這次約會(huì)是為了弄清她的底細(xì)，我想搞清她的智力水平，這樣我才能對(duì)癥下藥，同時(shí)知道自己要下多大的工夫改

⑥clutch 英 ［kl?t?］ 美 ［kl?t?］ n. 離合器；控制；手；緊急關(guān)頭 vi. 攫；企圖抓住 vt. 抓?。痪o握Modern clutch purse looks like a real can of Coca-Cola.

看著很像一聽真的可口可樂的時(shí)尚手握式錢包。

⑦conclude 英 ［k?n'klu?d］ 美 ［k?n'klud］ vt. 推斷；決定，作結(jié)論；結(jié)束 vi. 推斷；斷定；決定conclude with 以……結(jié)束conclude a contract 訂立合同 conclude an agreement 達(dá)成協(xié)議造她，最終讓自己滿意。

思前想后，我決定教她邏輯。作為法律系的學(xué)生，我碰巧也在上邏輯課，所以手頭有充足的事例。第二次接她出來后，我對(duì)她說：“波莉?qū)氊?，今晚我們到小山丘上談?wù)劙桑　?/p>

“哦，太棒了?！彼貞?yīng)。我對(duì)這個(gè)女孩的評(píng)價(jià)是：你再也找不到更沒主見的姑娘了！

“我們看看以偏概全（Hasty Generalization亦稱輕率歸納）。聽仔細(xì)咯：你不會(huì)說法語(yǔ)，皮特·貝洛斯也不會(huì)說法語(yǔ)。那我就可以得出結(jié)論：明尼蘇達(dá)大學(xué)里沒人會(huì)說法語(yǔ)?！?/p>

“真的嗎？”波莉震驚了，“真的沒有嗎？”

我掩去心頭的不悅，說道：“波莉。這是個(gè)謬誤！這個(gè)結(jié)論太草率了。支撐這個(gè)結(jié)論的個(gè)例實(shí)在太少了?！?/p>

“你還知道更多的謬誤嗎？”她屏氣凝神，“我發(fā)現(xiàn)邏輯比跳舞還有趣呢！”

絕望在我心頭涌動(dòng)，但我壓制住了。我絕不和這女孩一起出去了，絕不！但如果不堅(jiān)持到底，我就一無所成，一無所得。于是，我克制著繼續(xù)。

這足足花了我五個(gè)晚上，搞得我精疲力竭。但一切都是值得的，我讓波莉變得很有邏輯，我教會(huì)了她思考，我的工作算是完成了。她終于成為了配得上我的女生，她將是我理想的妻子，是我眾多豪宅的女主人，是我富有的孩子們的母親。

“波莉，”坐在橡樹下，我對(duì)她說，“今晚我們不談謬誤了。”

“真討厭。”她失望地說。

“親愛的，”我對(duì)她溫柔地一笑，說，“我們已經(jīng)一起度過五個(gè)晚上了，我們相處地很愉快，很顯然，我們是多么的登對(duì)?！?/p>

“這是以偏概全。”波莉歡快地說。

“你說什么？”我問道。

“以偏概全?！彼貜?fù)了一遍?！皟H僅只有5個(gè)晚上，你怎么能說我們很般配呢？”

我輕笑了兩聲，很是高興，這孩子真是學(xué)得太不錯(cuò)了。

“波莉，我愛你。你是我的全世界，你是皎潔的月亮，是明亮的星星，是外太空所有的星座。親愛的，當(dāng)我的女朋友吧！沒有你，我的人生將黯然失色，慘淡無光，失去意義；我會(huì)為你消得人憔悴，三餐無味；我會(huì)形單影只地徘徊在街頭，步履蹣跚，眼窩深陷?！?/p>

這總該行了吧，我想著，將兩只手臂交叉在胸前。

“轉(zhuǎn)移論題，”波莉說。我氣的兩行牙齒直打架。

“好吧，波莉。”我強(qiáng)擠出一抹微笑，說道，“很顯然，你謬誤學(xué)的很好。”

“你說得完全正確，”她用力地點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭。

“那是誰(shuí)教你的呢？”

“你?！?/p>

“那就對(duì)了。所以這是你欠我的，是不是呢？親愛的。如果沒遇到我，你就永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)學(xué)會(huì)謬誤?！?/p>

“虛擬假設(shè)，”她不假思索地答道。

汗水從我的眉毛上滾下。

真是作繭自縛?。∥叶技钡奶_了，向公牛般的狂吼道：“你到底要不要做我的女朋友啦！”

“不。”她答。

“為什么？”我刨根問底。

“因?yàn)榻裉煜挛缙ぬ亍へ惲_斯讓我當(dāng)他的女友，我同意了。”

用了巨大的意志，我才調(diào)整了自己的聲音?！昂冒?，”我無奈地說，“你是個(gè)邏輯學(xué)家了。那我們就用邏輯來分析這件事。你為什么選皮特而不選我呢？你能用邏輯來解釋你為什么要跟皮特嗎？”我，聰慧過人，前途無量。皮特，動(dòng)輒緊張，永遠(yuǎn)吃了上頓沒下頓。

“當(dāng)然，”波莉說?！八幸患芷ご笠隆！?/p>

Love Is Fallacy