by Autumn Whitefield-Madrano

I was a fat kid. I havent written about this before because being a fat kid hurt me then. And having been a fat kid hurts me now.

Things I remember about being fat： Not being able to wear jeans （there was no such thing as jeans for fat girls in 1983）. Not wanting to participate in any games at the 1）school fair except the 2）cakewalk. Faking sick on the day we were supposed to do height-weight testing， only to find out that it had been postponed a day. Pretending to twist my ankle at age 7 in the 50-yard dash to spare myself the embarrassment of being the fat kid who came in last； doing the same at age 8， and 11. Stealing bags of brown sugar from the 3）pantry to eat in my bedroom， alone； denying to my mother that Id done so， even when it was clear she knew I had.

There is a theme here： absence， and 4）falsity. I couldnt wear jeans； I didnt want to play games that wouldnt get me cake； I faked sick； I pretended to twist my ankle； and I denied secret eating. Being a fat child wasnt so much about the fact of being fat as it was about couldnt， wouldnt， shouldnt. There is a counter-theme too： Love—of food， exquisite food， food， füd， phood， food， the 5）panacea to whatever 6）free-floating stresses there were in my life as an intellectually mature but emotionally not-so-mature 8-yearold girl. I didnt have a difficult childhood by any means， but it was a childhood； it came with bumps and dents and scratches that I didnt really know how to handle. Lucky for me， I didnt have to learn， because I had food right there， every day， making it all okay. It worked—until it didnt， but thats not the story Im trying to tell here. Food felt like it worked， and in a childs mind， thats enough.

When I look at my own experience as a fat kid， I dont see a problem with society， or cruel children， or unlimited soda refills. I see a problem with—how do I put this without appearing to be swatting the wrist of my 8-year-old self？—I see a problem with me， and with the way I understood my size. There was very little fat-shaming in my life， but I still felt like being fat was wrong， bad， unfeminine， shameful—all those things fat activists say are 7）erroneously attached to weight. Theyre right to say that； those feelings should be separate from weight. Yet they werent separate， not for me. I filtered any feeling I had—about my fatness or anything else—through food， and my chronic overeating was what kept me fat. My feelings were my fatness； my fatness， feelings. I wouldnt have been better off had I been basically bullied into losing weight， or into feeling worse about being fat. But I certainly would have been better off if I werent fat.

Id also had been better off if the world around me didnt 8）disperse shame upon overweight people—had my grandmother not told me I was “too big，”had my classmate remained 9）nonchalant whatever the number on my height-weight card， had my neighbor not 10）insinuated I could single-handedly 11）topple over a trailer designed for far greater stress than a fourth-graders frame. The world needs to change in its attitude toward fat people， and that is unquestionable. And yes， I wish the world around me had been different. But I wish Id been different too.

Being a fat kid wasnt easy. I wasnt teased or bullied， and few people ever tried to make me feel like I was lesserthan because my body was more-than. The problem went much deeper than that. The problem—to a point—was me.

The emphasis on childhood obesity is a convenient 12）scapegoat for the deeply conflicted relationship that pretty much our whole society has with food， comfort， bodies， and conformity. And we as a society have a responsibility to not only take a cold， hard look at that relationship for our own benefit， but， yes， “for the children.” We need to help children on a physical， mental， emotional， and sociological level be as healthy as possible. And sometimes being as healthy as possible includes losing weight. Im not a public health expert， Im not a psychologist. I dont know how to help children reconcile the 13）ostensibly dueling messages of“You are good just the way you are”and “You might be better off if you took certain steps that will make you healthier—and， as it happens slimmer”. I just know that we need to.

Nobody should be made to feel bad because of how they look， or because of the size their body takes up in the world. But not all fat-phobia comes from outer sources. Yes， Im tired of the idea that weight loss is 14）unequivocally a good thing； I loathe the 15）bumper-sticker wisdom that inside every fat person theres a thin person waiting to get out. Nobody wins when we assume fat people must be unhappy. That doesnt mean that there arent fat people—including children—whose size makes them unhappy， and who dont have a vocabulary for 16）articulating that unhappiness without falling down the rabbit hole of self-loathing. Had I such language as a child， I might have found more satisfaction from what came out of my mouth than what went into it.

我曾經(jīng)是個(gè)胖娃。以前我從未寫(xiě)過(guò)這番經(jīng)歷，因?yàn)槟菚r(shí)“是個(gè)胖娃”讓我很受傷。而曾經(jīng)是個(gè)胖娃，如今亦讓我心傷。

我記得肥胖時(shí)的那么一些事情：不能穿牛仔褲（在1983年，根本沒(méi)有給胖妞穿的牛仔褲）。不想?yún)⒓訉W(xué)校游園會(huì)里的任何游戲，除非是步態(tài)競(jìng)賽。在要測(cè)量身高體重的日子假裝生病，卻不料測(cè)量日子推遲了一天。七歲時(shí)在50碼短跑中假裝扭傷腳踝，以免落得成為“跑最后的胖子”的尷尬；然后在八歲和十一歲時(shí)故伎重演。從食雜柜里偷出袋裝紅糖，藏在臥室里獨(dú)吃。在媽媽面前極力否認(rèn)自己的行徑，即便我明知她是知道實(shí)情的。

這其中有一個(gè)主題：缺席和謊言。我不能穿牛仔褲；我不玩沒(méi)有蛋糕作為獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)的游戲；我佯裝生??；我假裝扭傷腳踝；我還否認(rèn)偷吃。作為一個(gè)胖娃，其實(shí)跟“胖”沒(méi)多大關(guān)系，而是關(guān)乎不能、不愿意和不應(yīng)該。這其中也有一個(gè)與前者相對(duì)立的主題：熱愛(ài)——熱愛(ài)食物、精致的食物、食物、食物、食物、食物，那是靈丹妙藥——為我這個(gè)智力成熟但情緒不太成熟的八歲女孩排除人生中一切飄忽壓力的靈藥。我的童年怎么說(shuō)也不算艱難，但那確實(shí)是童年時(shí)光，也會(huì)有一些我真的無(wú)法處理的磕磕碰碰、坑坑洼洼和小擦小傷。我很幸運(yùn)，我不必去費(fèi)心領(lǐng)悟教訓(xùn)，因?yàn)槲颐恳惶於紦碛惺澄?，一切都不是?wèn)題。食物很有效——直到其最終失效，不過(guò)這不是我要說(shuō)的故事。在一個(gè)小孩子看來(lái)，食物讓人覺(jué)得有效，這就足夠了。

當(dāng)我回首以前那些“肥胖的日子”時(shí)，我不覺(jué)得這社會(huì)有什么毛病、也不覺(jué)得搗蛋欺人的孩子或者無(wú)限次汽水續(xù)杯是多嚴(yán)重的問(wèn)題。我只看到一個(gè)問(wèn)題——我該怎么說(shuō)才不會(huì)看起來(lái)像給八歲的自己手腕上一記重?fù)簦俊铱吹搅俗约旱膯?wèn)題，關(guān)于我怎么看待我的身形的問(wèn)題。我的一生中幾乎沒(méi)有因?yàn)殚L(zhǎng)得胖而覺(jué)得羞恥，可是我至今仍然覺(jué)得長(zhǎng)得胖不對(duì)，很糟糕，缺乏女人味，也可恥——肥胖激進(jìn)分子認(rèn)為是錯(cuò)加于體重問(wèn)題的那些東西。他們這么說(shuō)是對(duì)的；那些情感應(yīng)該與體重分開(kāi)。但是這兩者并非互不相干，至少在我身上不是那樣。我會(huì)通過(guò)食物對(duì)我所有的情感——關(guān)于我的肥胖或者其他方面——進(jìn)行過(guò)濾，而我長(zhǎng)期過(guò)量進(jìn)食是導(dǎo)致我肥胖的原因。我的情感就是我的肥胖；而我的肥胖就是我的情感。說(shuō)實(shí)在的，如果我被強(qiáng)制減肥，或者被迫認(rèn)為當(dāng)一名胖妞很糟糕，我不會(huì)幸福。不過(guò)，如果我不曾是一個(gè)胖娃，我肯定會(huì)過(guò)得更好。

如果我周?chē)氖澜绮唤o超重人群渲染上羞恥的色彩，我也會(huì)過(guò)得更好——如果我的祖母沒(méi)有說(shuō)我“塊頭太大”，如果我的同班同學(xué)對(duì)我身高體重卡上的數(shù)字漠不關(guān)心，如果我的鄰居不再含沙射影地說(shuō)我一手便可以推翻那種承重能力遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超出一個(gè)四年級(jí)學(xué)生體格的貨柜拖車(chē)。這個(gè)世界需要改變其對(duì)肥胖人群的態(tài)度，這是毋庸置疑的。是的，我希望以前我周?chē)氖澜缒苡兴煌?。不過(guò)我也希望過(guò)去的我非彼時(shí)的模樣。

當(dāng)一個(gè)胖小孩不容易。我沒(méi)有受到嘲笑或欺凌，幾乎沒(méi)有人會(huì)因?yàn)槲业纳眢w“卓卓有余”而做些什么讓我覺(jué)得自己“不足”。問(wèn)題的層次要深得多。問(wèn)題——從某種程度上來(lái)說(shuō)——在于我自己。

我們整個(gè)社會(huì)在美食、慰藉、體型和從眾心理這些問(wèn)題上，立場(chǎng)態(tài)度總是矛盾重重，兒童癡肥現(xiàn)象輕易便成為眾矢之的。而我們作為一個(gè)社會(huì)群體，有責(zé)任冷靜、認(rèn)真地看待這種關(guān)系，既是出于我們自己的利益，也是，“為了孩子們著想”。我們需要幫助孩子們?cè)谏眢w上、精神上、情緒上和心理上獲得盡可能健康的成長(zhǎng)。有時(shí)，盡可能的健康成長(zhǎng)也包括了減肥。我不是一個(gè)公共衛(wèi)生專家，我也不是一個(gè)心理學(xué)家。我不懂得如何幫助孩子們權(quán)衡這兩個(gè)表面上對(duì)立的信息：“做回自己就很好”和“如果你能采取某些行動(dòng)讓自己更健康，也許你會(huì)過(guò)得更好，而且隨之而來(lái)的是更為苗條的身材”。我只知道，我們需要這么做。

沒(méi)有人應(yīng)該為自己的外表或體型感到難過(guò)。然而，不是所有的肥胖恐懼都來(lái)自于外因。是的，我已經(jīng)厭倦了“減肥是明擺著有益的事”這一說(shuō)法；我討厭那些車(chē)尾貼警句——“每一個(gè)胖子的體內(nèi)都藏著一個(gè)呼之欲出的瘦子”。以為肥胖人群一定過(guò)得不開(kāi)心的這種心態(tài)，對(duì)誰(shuí)都沒(méi)好處。但那不意味著沒(méi)有不因自己體型而苦悶難過(guò)的胖人（包括兒童），也不意味著沒(méi)有因胖愁難言而掉入自憎自棄深淵里的胖人。如果我小時(shí)候就擁有那樣的語(yǔ)言能力，也許我從說(shuō)出的話中獲得的滿足會(huì)比吃進(jìn)去的更多。