Nick Watt: That is Tata, a pioneer in our universal and vain search for beauty. She takes a face and she slaps it.

Tata: Dont give a care if you want to be beautiful, and handsome.

Nick: Recently trained in Thailand, Tata claims shes now the first face-slapping practitioner in the Western 1)hemisphere.

Mawin: Hi.

Nick: How are you? So yi kah.

Mawin: How are you? So yi kah.

Nick: Thats Tatas fellow with the business brain, the big desk and the 2)hutzpah to charge 350 bucks for each 15 minute session.

Mawin: Were gonna do our best to, you know, make you look more handsome.

Nick: Tata claims she can mold me into a 3)matinée idol. Can you make me look like Ryan Gosling?

Tata: Uhm…

Mawin: Look like Ryan Gosling.

Nick: Is that a “no”? Cue the Thai synth-pop. And pretty soon theyre claiming results.

尼克·瓦特：這是塔塔，在追求美這場全民動員又徒勞無功的大潮中，她是先鋒。逮到一張臉，然后就給一巴掌。

塔塔：如果你想要變得漂亮和英俊，那就別在意。

尼克：塔塔最近在泰國接受培訓，現(xiàn)在聲稱自己是西半球“拍臉”第一人。

馬文：你好。

尼克：你好！你好（泰語）！

馬文：你好！你好（泰語）！

尼克：這一位是塔塔的同事，他有商業(yè)頭腦，大號辦公桌，還有敢每十五分鐘就收取350美元的膽量。

馬文：我們會盡力的，你知道，讓你看上去更英俊。

尼克：塔塔說她能把我打造成大眾情人。你能讓我看上去像瑞恩·高斯林嗎？

塔塔：這就……

馬文：看上去像瑞恩·高斯林。

尼克：就是“不能”的意思嗎？先插播一段泰國電子音樂，等一會兒就會有結(jié)果了。

Mawin: You see a jaw line right here? On this side you dont see a jaw line.

Nick: Then it was Jenna, our producers turn. Would you describe this as pleasurable, Jenna?

Jenna: Nn-n-n-n-n.

Nick: So were Jane and 4)J.Lo actually making each other more gorgeous in Monster-in-Law?

(Voices in Monster-in-Law): (slap) Ahhh! (slap) Daah! (slap) Aah, this is crazy!

Nick: Of course there is no medical evidence this really works, although doctors concede it might improve 5)circulation and bring on a healthy flush. Tata claims its, quote, “ancient Thai wisdom.” You can say anythings with ancient Thai wisdom, and everyonell think its great…

Mawin: Yes.

Nick: (whisper)…when actually its a load of rubbish. No?

Mawin: This is definitely not rubbish. This is very serious.

Nick: In Thailand, for years, theyve been slapping faces and chests, uhm, to enlarge, and something else that roughly translates as “butt punching.”

Mawin: Its to firm the butt. Its to help shape the butt, make it bigger as well.

Nick: By punching it.

Mawin: Correct.

Nick: Transforming a whiskey-soaked correspondent into the gorgeous Gosling? Impossible! Did you see The Notebook? Maybe this is Goslings secret.

(Voices in The Notebook): Ow!

馬文：你看到這兒的下顎線了嗎？另一邊你就看不到下顎線。

尼克：然后，就輪到我們的制作人珍娜出場了。你會把這段體驗視為愉快的嗎，珍娜？

珍娜：呃呃呃呃……

尼克：那么，在電影《怪獸婆婆》里，簡和J.Lo是在讓對方變得更漂亮？

（《怪獸婆婆》的聲音）：（拍打聲）?。。ㄅ拇蚵暎┌。。ㄅ拇蚵暎┌?，瘋了！

尼克：當然，沒有醫(yī)學證明這樣做會奏效，盡管醫(yī)生承認這樣做能夠加速面部的血液循環(huán)，讓人紅光滿面。塔塔說，她的原話是“古老泰國的智慧”。你可以把任何一個做法看作是古老泰國智慧，而每個人就會覺得這非常棒……

馬文：沒錯。

尼克：（小聲地）……事實上只是一堆廢話。對嗎？

馬文：這當然不是廢話。這是非常嚴肅的事情。

尼克：在泰國，許多年來，人們都一直拍打臉和胸部，嗯，來豐胸，還有其他一些別的手法，大體上說，就是“打屁股”。

馬文：為了讓臀部緊實。有助于為臀部塑形，同時也讓臀部更大。

尼克：通過用拳頭打。

馬文：沒錯。

尼克：把一個灰頭土臉的記者打造成帥氣逼人的高斯林？不可能！你看過電影《戀戀筆記本》嗎？或許那就是高斯林的秘密。

（《戀戀筆記本》的聲音）：哎呦！