I used to feel doomed2). I used to worry that I would grow up to be like my brother. I didn't understand why Eric behaved the way he did， and I was afraid I'd catch his problems. Now I understand that my brother and I are different.

Eric has Asperger's syndrome3). It means he has a hard time making friends. Sometimes he screams and cries， and he worries about everything. Crowds and noises make him uncomfortable， he hates the way some foods feel on his tongue， and he tears the labels out of his clothes. He doesn't like to be touched. But most of all， having Asperger's syndrome can mean feeling lonely. I think Eric sometimes feels like a puzzle piece4) that doesn't fit the puzzle. It looks like it should fit， but it doesn't.

I'm only eight， but everyone asks me to be understanding and patient with Eric. Sometimes it's too much—I just want to be a normal child with a normal family. Sometimes I wish I could just go to live with a different family， or stay in a hotel， just to get away.

Even little things， like getting ready to go out， take ages. Eric can never leave the house without certain toys. It doesn't matter how late we are; he has to find the toys he needs. If he can't find them， he has a tantrum5). I get scared， then. When he's having a tantrum， he screams and throws things. He says horrible things—that he hates me， and that I'm stupid—or he hits me. Sometimes I feel like I am the only kid who has to deal with all this. That makes me feel lonely.

But other times I feel protective of him. Eric gets very nervous with people he doesn't know. When he gets nervous， he doesn't know what to say or do， so he just stands there looking scared. And when he gets scared， he has tics6)—sometimes he shakes his head， sometimes he sniffs or coughs a lot， sometimes he throws things up in the air， and sometimes he picks at7) his skin or cuts his clothes. My family is used to his tics， but most kids think it's weird， so they tease him. I am not afraid of other kids. If I was there when they bullied him， I would tell them to leave him alone.

Eric is very funny and he likes to act silly a lot of the time. I usually enjoy watching him— he makes me laugh. But sometimes I just don't feel silly. I ask him to stop， but he doesn't. It really gets on my nerves8)! Other times， Eric comes into my room while I'm sleeping and wakes me up. He knows I'm sleeping， but he wants to be with me. I know that he feels lonely， so I don't want to get cross9)， but I really hate it when he wakes me up.

It's even hard sometimes when Eric just wants to show me he loves me. He likes to hug me or give me a kiss. I love him too， but sometimes it bothers me the way he shows his love: he hugs me too tight， or gives me slobbery10) kisses. Mum tries to teach him how to be gentle， but he just doesn't seem to get it.

I know that Eric needs special help， but sometimes I resent that he gets to do special things， even though he misbehaves. And Mum and Dad spend lots of money to get help for Eric， which means that we don't have money left for fun things like holidays.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed about him. Eric's 13， but he still likes to dress up like his favorite TV characters. He always wants me to play along， which is fine when we are at home. But I feel silly when he wants me to do it in public， like at the supermarket.

Sometimes I don't want to talk to my friends about Eric because I am embarrassed to tell them about the things that he does. I am afraid that people in my school will know that he is my brother， and they won't want to be my friends. But even though Eric bothers me sometimes， I miss him when he is gone. I enjoy being away from him for a couple of hours， but I hate it when he is away for a long time.

Eric doesn't have many friends. When I play with Eric， he wants everything to be his way and he likes to do the same things over and over again. He likes to watch the same TV programme， listen to the same songs， and play the same games. If he says or does something to make you laugh， he will keep doing it even after it isn't funny any more. He never knows when to stop.

I feel sad that Eric's life is so hard for him. I wish he had more friends. I wish school were easier for him. I wish he didn't have to have tantrums. I wish he could be happy more of the time. Sometimes I even think that he has changed and I start to trust him. He does his homework or takes a shower without complaining， and then I think that maybe he will be all right after all.

Eric's behavior upsets Mum and Dad， and I don't want them to be unhappy， so I often feel that I can't make mistakes or do anything wrong because they will end up being even more upset. For example， when Dad cooks something new， Eric won't taste it. Sometimes he has a tantrum if someone asks him to eat something he doesn't think he will like. It can ruin the whole dinner. So I feel like I have to eat everything Dad makes and say \"It's great!\" even if I don't really like it.

Even though Mum and Dad tell me that I don't have to fix the family's problems， I still feel that I have to do it. Trying to be perfect is very exhausting.

I spend even more time with Eric than Mum and Dad. I always feel that I have to watch him to make sure that he's OK. It's hard to have fun while you are worrying about someone else. Sometimes I feel like I'm the older brother even though I'm not.

Deep down， I know Eric doesn't do it on purpose. I know that he feels scared when he is out of control， and I know he regrets saying mean things to me. So， no matter what Eric says or does， I always forgive him. I always still love him.

Eric can make me laugh so hard that I can't breathe. When I cry， he tries anything and everything he can think of to make me happy. He brings me stuffed animals11) and acts silly to make me laugh. He waits for me when I'm busy and he likes to pick me up from the school bus. He takes me for rides on his skateboard. He tries to get me interested in things that are important to him. Eric helps me find things when I lose them. He always knows where I am and what I am doing. He worries if I am not where he expects me to be. In his own way， he watches out for12) me and tries to take care of me. He loves me.

Even though life is a challenge for Eric， he never stops trying. I am proud of him.

我以前常常覺得一切都是命中注定。我很擔(dān)心自己長大了也會(huì)像哥哥一樣。我以前不明白為什么埃里克會(huì)是那個(gè)樣子，很害怕自己也會(huì)變成那樣?，F(xiàn)在我明白了，哥哥和我是不一樣的。

埃里克患有埃斯伯格綜合癥。這就意味著他很難和別人交朋友。有時(shí)他會(huì)大哭大叫，對(duì)什么事都感到焦慮不安。人群和噪音會(huì)令他心神不寧，他討厭某些食物的口感，還把衣服上的標(biāo)簽扯掉。他不喜歡別人碰他。最糟糕的是，患有埃斯伯格綜合癥可能意味著感到孤獨(dú)。我覺得埃里克有時(shí)就像拼圖玩具中不合適的一塊——看著好像能拼上去，實(shí)際上卻不能。

我只有八歲，可是大家卻都要我體諒埃里克，要對(duì)他有耐心。有時(shí)候這一切真讓人受不了——我只想做一個(gè)正常的孩子，擁有一個(gè)正常的家庭。有時(shí)候我真希望自己能到另一個(gè)家庭去，或者去住旅館，只要能逃離就好。

即使是一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)小事，比如準(zhǔn)備出門，都要拖拖拉拉很長時(shí)間。埃里克要是不帶上他那幾樣玩具就絕不肯走出大門。不管時(shí)間多晚，他一定得找到他要的那些玩具。如果找不到，他就大發(fā)脾氣。每當(dāng)這時(shí)候，我就會(huì)很害怕。他發(fā)脾氣的時(shí)候會(huì)尖聲叫喊，亂摔東西。他要么說一些很難聽的話——他說他恨我，說我是個(gè)蠢貨——要么就揍我。有時(shí)候我覺得我是世界上唯一一個(gè)要應(yīng)付這種事的小孩子。這讓我覺得很孤獨(dú)。

但是有的時(shí)候，我覺得我想保護(hù)他。埃里克在他不認(rèn)識(shí)的人面前特別緊張。他一緊張就不知道該說什么或者做什么，因此他就呆呆地站在那里，看上去嚇壞了的樣子。他感到害怕的時(shí)候，就會(huì)抽搐——或者有時(shí)候會(huì)搖頭，有時(shí)候會(huì)使勁抽吸鼻子或者不?？人裕袝r(shí)候會(huì)把東西扔到半空中，有時(shí)候會(huì)掐自己的皮膚或剪自己的衣服。我們家的人對(duì)他的抽搐已經(jīng)習(xí)以為常，但是別的孩子大多會(huì)覺得他行為古怪，便嘲笑他。我不怕那些孩子。我要是看到他們欺負(fù)他，就會(huì)警告他們別去招惹他。

埃里克非常逗人，他經(jīng)常喜歡裝傻充愣。我很喜歡看他表演——他能讓我開懷大笑。但是有的時(shí)候我不想犯傻。我要他停下來，可他就是不停，真把我氣壞了。有時(shí)候，埃里克會(huì)在我睡覺的時(shí)候到我房間里來，把我弄醒。他明知我在睡覺，可他還是想和我玩。我知道他感到孤單，所以我不想對(duì)他發(fā)脾氣，但是我真的很討厭他把我弄醒。

有時(shí)，埃里克只是想表示一下他愛我甚至都不是件容易的事。他喜歡抱我或者親我。我也愛他，可是有時(shí)他表達(dá)愛的方式真讓我受不了:他要不就把我抱得太緊，要不就口水嗒拉地親我。媽媽也試著教他怎樣動(dòng)作輕一點(diǎn)，可他似乎就是學(xué)不會(huì)。

我知道埃里克需要特殊的幫助，但是有時(shí)候即使他表現(xiàn)很差還能受到特殊待遇，我就會(huì)覺得很生氣。爸爸媽媽為了給埃里克治病花了很多錢，這樣我們就沒有錢去享受諸如度假之類的樂事了。

有時(shí)候我會(huì)為他而感到很難為情。埃里克都13歲了，還喜歡打扮得像他最喜歡的電視劇里的人物一樣。他總是要我也這樣陪他玩。在家里的時(shí)候倒也沒什么，可是在公共場合，比如在超市，他還要我這樣，我就覺得太傻冒了。

有時(shí)候我不愿和我的朋友們談?wù)摪＠锟耍驗(yàn)檎f起他做的那些事我會(huì)覺得很難堪。我怕學(xué)校里的人知道他是我哥哥，怕他們不再想和我做朋友?？杀M管埃里克有時(shí)會(huì)讓我心煩，如果他不在我還挺想他的。離開他幾個(gè)小時(shí)我會(huì)很開心，但是如果長時(shí)間離開他我就不樂意了。

埃里克朋友不多。我和他一起玩的時(shí)候，什么事情都要按他說的辦，而且他喜歡同一件事情重復(fù)做個(gè)不停。他總喜歡看同樣的電視節(jié)目，聽同樣的幾首歌，玩同樣的幾個(gè)游戲。如果他說了什么或做了什么把你逗笑了，盡管那已經(jīng)不再好笑了，他還會(huì)老說老做。他不知道什么時(shí)候該停。

埃里克的生活真是太艱難了，我為他感到難過。我希望他能有更多的朋友;我希望他能更加適應(yīng)學(xué)校生活;我希望他不要總是控制不住發(fā)脾氣;我希望他快樂的時(shí)候能多一些。有時(shí)我甚至覺得他已經(jīng)變了，我開始信任他了。他做作業(yè)或洗澡時(shí)也不再滿腹牢騷，這時(shí)候我就想，或許他終究會(huì)好起來的。

埃里克的行為讓爸爸媽媽很傷心。我不想看到他們不高興，所以我常常覺得自己不能犯錯(cuò)誤或做錯(cuò)事，因?yàn)槟菢訒?huì)讓他們更難過。比如說，爸爸要是做了什么新菜，埃里克是不會(huì)去嘗一口的。有時(shí)候要是別人讓他吃什么東西，而他覺得自己不會(huì)喜歡，他就會(huì)大發(fā)脾氣，那這一頓飯就算是毀了。所以我覺得爸爸做什么我就應(yīng)該吃什么，哪怕我并不是真的喜歡，也要說“味道棒極了!”

雖然爸爸媽媽叫我不必操心家里這些事兒，可我覺得不得不操心。要想把什么都做得很完美真是太讓人身心疲憊了。

我和埃里克在一起的時(shí)間比爸爸媽媽和他在一起的時(shí)間還多。我總覺得我得看著他點(diǎn)兒，別讓他有個(gè)什么閃失。當(dāng)你一門心思關(guān)注著某人的時(shí)候，就沒法痛痛快快放開玩兒。盡管我是弟弟，有時(shí)候卻覺得我是當(dāng)哥的。

在我內(nèi)心深處，我知道埃里克不是故意要那樣的。我知道當(dāng)他無法自控時(shí)他自己會(huì)感到很害怕，我也知道他在辱罵我之后也會(huì)感到內(nèi)疚。所以，無論埃里克說了什么或做了什么，我都原諒他。我仍然會(huì)一樣地愛他。

埃里克能讓我笑得喘不過氣兒來。在我哭泣的時(shí)候，他就想方設(shè)法地讓我開心起來。他給我拿來毛絨填充動(dòng)物玩具，做各種傻乎乎的動(dòng)作逗我發(fā)笑。如果我在忙著做事，他會(huì)等著我;他還喜歡到校車?？空窘游一丶?他讓我和他一起玩滑板。對(duì)于那些他覺得重要的東西，他極力想讓我也產(chǎn)生興趣。我要是丟了東西，埃里克會(huì)幫我去找。他總是知道我在哪兒，在干什么。要是我不在他認(rèn)為我應(yīng)該在的地方，他就會(huì)很擔(dān)憂。他以他自己的方式看護(hù)著我，盡心盡力地照顧著我。他愛我。

盡管生活對(duì)埃里克而言非常艱難，但是他從來沒有停止過努力。我為他感到驕傲。

Vocabulary

1.本文是2007年《衛(wèi)報(bào)》(The Guardian)上的一篇文章，節(jié)選自2007年發(fā)表的Brotherly Feelings: Me， My Emotions， and My Brother with Asperger's Syndrome一書。這本書是Sam Frender 11歲時(shí)和母親Robin Schiffmiller合著而成的。該書以第一人稱的形式，寫了8歲的Sam和13歲的哥哥Eric在一起生活時(shí)的故事。

2.doom [du:m] vt. 注定，命定

3.Asperger's syndrome: 埃斯伯格癥，是一種“高功能自閉癥”。其典型癥狀是:幼年時(shí)就比較不善于社會(huì)交往，對(duì)別人肢體語言無法理解，不太能聽出來別人講話時(shí)的話外音。

4.puzzle piece: 拼圖的一塊

5.tantrum [5tAntrEm] n. 發(fā)脾氣

6.tic [tIk] n. 【醫(yī)】抽搐

7.pick at: 扯拉，撥弄

8.get on sb.'s nerves: 觸某人的神經(jīng)，使某人緊張不安;惹得某人心煩

9.get cross: (對(duì)……)生氣，發(fā)脾氣

10.slobbery [5slCbErI] adj. 淌口水的

11.stuffed animal: 毛絨填充動(dòng)物

12.watch out for: <美口> 密切注意